body

body needs body
body thirsts for touch, skin discoveries and holding, keeping safe.
this body can cuddle
and appreciate, huddle into shapes that fit,
just right, simply to.
hold.
be.
find out and remember as it all comes back.
this body needs to be comforted.
to be held, to curl
and
unfurl into.
because this body needs body.
some body.
don't want to be in each other, don't want to be
tied up in tangles of promises of feelings that
genuinely couldn't exist yet,
as if saying a thing calls the depth into existence.
no.

but this body wants to be with a body.
and just exist with it touching mine.

there is not very much touching
not the right kind
the needed kind
the giving kind
the seeing kind.
there is only the wanting, clawing, impatient, this way,
no move over a little but let me see all of you before giving you anything
kind of touching.

and that is too much.
the same hands but different mind.
give me your body
to be next to my body
so we can know one another.
but not biblically.
not even a little,
because that's not what this body needs right now, and that's all the other bodies want.

because there is no middle ground, no language society has taken any kind of time to give it.
touch:
parental
friend/acquaintance in passing
death
work
lover/liar
inappropriate/abuse
sports
medical
therapeutic paid.

i am looking for the other kind. where you are wanting to get to know someone
and they are wanting to get to know you
and before they would be able to even CONSIDER asking so much
they would ask even more, that you open your heart to them.
and your body. for cuddling only. first.
because anything more is too much, too soon, and all you want is their body.
for holding.
come hold my comfort. i am very inviting.
i need your comfort too.

life is hard.

waterglass

outside.

it is my norm to feel as though i am on another plane
than the other people
normal
connected
fine
wealthy
carefree
my head and my laugh and my eyes
all experience life
differently than those i
reach through
the waterglass wall to offer some of
myself to.

the jokes and the looks and the thoughts all
seem
to make it through
and every once in a while
someone reaches back.
to try and step onto my plane
even for a few moments
and it means the world when it happens
when they sincerely try
i truly feel them
and we are the same kind of different
because we are seen.
without the waterglass wall.

when i force myself to really look into the
face of this, i find it is a
farce.
because
it is easier
to believe you are

alone

than it is to reach through that
wall.


life is hard for everyone.

pain
is universal.

no matter what i see, it is only through the
waterglass mirage
of comfortable distance.
it is not i who is alone.
it is all of us.

the push through, past the judgements
about how together someone has it
or what their day to day actually feels like,
that
will get us together.
it is harder to connect
than to believe you are alone in your experience.

no more warterglass wall.
shatter.
let others see you.
be wise, but connect.
we are more alike than we know.

not for you

i am not here for you
for your entertain(t)ment
for your personal narrative
your view of reality and how i fit into it
i am not looking to you
for anything
because my validation comes from within
The Source
The Light
The Beyond
The Love

i do not need your "encouragement" or assessment
breathing heavy down my neck
the holler from all sides i did not ask for
simply by existing.

as it turns out, i am not here for you.
i am here for my experience of the world
what i can bring
what i can give
what i can do and be and see and smell and touch and hear and lift up and shout out
i am not here for your pleasure or imagination of what i would like
i will tell you when i want to know and what and how.
my brain
my body
my brawn.
mine.
this is not here for you.
these luscious curves or this fine statement or the way i laugh loudly in public,
is here.

is.

regardless.

foster that hope

past three days it's been
speaking to me
everywhere i go everything i read
hear
think
breathe in.
same message
and
frankly
it's getting pretty clear
(i know, detective of the year
here)
that this tiny little speck
of ground down
run over
left in the ditch
where it landed last time

hope

needs to be heeded.
needs to be fed.
seen and held onto and fostered and
cradled.
this hope that it is around the corner
that if i
continue to move forward and continue to try
new things
and new people and new places and new experiences
and challenges (all i might not always want to try),
that this hope will still be real.
not the death inside and the fake outside
but truly a flicker
in the dark.

holding out hope for me to walk towards the light
more inward and inward and deeper
i go and to find out
it isn't all muck
the darkness
the unpleasantness
the trial and brutal same seeming result
as the other corners
but just
that i couldn't see it yet.
because it was in the darkness
but that
so is this light
this hope.

so foster it.
because this hope sees you.

and it's holding on.

corners

this feeling not so fleeting but warm and lingering
that shows up unexpectedly
as the corners of his mouth won't stop curving upwards
keeping me in suspense
what is this magic?
oh.

it's me.

two feelings

i am following the head and the heart
the one
tells me not to disbelieve the
one
because of
the other.
and these ideas confuse each other nearly every other

time.


i live in the very clear black and white on the resting place
of the six feet under
but it doesn't feel more friendly or easier to swallow
my heart
in my throat
every time the memories well
of the beautiful times
the experience of him. of us. and i don't want to
distrust my heart because of my head.
they are a good team.
but they also got me here and i am grateful for the clearing of the fog.
even though the cost was the end.

i try to remember only the one
value the one good big part
have hope that i could feel that again
because that was
the
first.
he
was the first
i ever truly felt that with.
connected.
but it is as pointless as saying the ground under me is made of rainbows as i know full well that
the one without the other isn't whole.
the head and the heart make me
whole.
and i am lonely again.
but i am whole.

i take both forward with me. two feelings.

birds

sunshine greets me when I

step

out

and the day cannot hold back a minute more

the sounds lift my heart as my ears pick up their owners.

a bird song that transports me to my 

childhood

a breath of memory in a tune none can replicate, a soul calling out to

find

it's

one.

my spirit would have fallen a month ago

but

today!

joy is all I can hear,

all I can take

all I can give.

this bird song. namaste.