high heels

i really like high heels. greanted they're not functional(ie. practical) for anything but fashion and showing off one's body, but they do that very nicely. =0) there are so many things in my life that i would like to say i could eliminate and be happy to be down to the bare minimum, the essentials. conflicting feelings bring me back to what dad always taught 'when you're having a tough time making a decision, make a list of pros and cons. it's always helpful to see it written out.' so:



pros:

less stuff

more time to spend on what really matters: god, love, people

focus on the things that are not about me

discover who i am with out all this...



cons:

loose an expression of who i am

uh....



well, the pros win. i do live very simply comparativly, but i think if i boil it all down to this i can figure out my standard of simplicity: live a life where my love speaks louder than anything i could say with clothing, stuff or status. live to be empty, but full to overflowing. i don't have anything to give of myself, because the created is nothing without their creator in every facet of their lives.



i am so unique and exciting, he says.

so terribly dangerous in my willingness to give everything i have for passion

the way i laugh gives him chills, he smiles.



i never knew he thought about me this way. god, why did i think you were far away? you are a part of me, but so much bigger than i can fathom. shoot, you even love the way i talk to you at stop lights.

adjustment

do you know, my left leg has been 1/2 an inch shorter than my right for the past 3 months? for serious!

i went to my new chiropractor last week and gave him the ld on my recent injuries and mentionables. on a whim, i mentioned my dream. no, i'm not talking about my dream of being in the olympics as a gymnast! *sigh* i have such a vision for my floor routine and the balance beam...WOW.

no, my dream about my left hip. in this dream, it was broken. i could feel the grinding of the broken bones, and i was trying to set it. but no matter how hard i tried, it wouldn't set. that was the dream in its entirety. really weird because it is one of about 5 dreams i actually remember. my sister sent me this link: http://www.sawlogs.net/dictionary_hello/definitions/definition.php?definition_id=60 and i couldn't believe how accurate it seemed.. since the dream, i have had problems with my left hip. can't do certain moves on the medicine ball, pain in my back as a result of over compensation from burpees (you know, the navy seals shiznit)- just a really disappointing performance from my body!

so i told all this to dr. chris, feeling something of a kinship with "those people that tell those kind of totally unrelated and dramatic details to their chiropractors", and he nodded and 'um hm'ed, like he actually believed me. he is pretty much the best dr. i have ever been to, i'll tell you that right now. and not solely because of what he did to adjust my hips or my back or even make my legs the same length again. but for the simple fact that he listened to me, took into account what affect this dream may have had on my physicality and allowed for it to be true. i don't know why that made such a huge impact on me, but i think it must be that
i don't let many people do that for me.
believe in me
get in my head
respect me not for things i do but for the person i am.
i don't let them in, because i don't want to be so honest back with them.
because i don't want to evaluate myself in my response, it's ugly.


ooooh.


the saaame old shit. GEEZ! when am i going to adjust myself so that i am NOT myself? huh, when? first a hip, then my back, continually i want my heart. to break into a million tiny pieces i can't put back together the same way again. it's not right, it's broken now. see?


this is my pattern of growth. discover the habit. break it. make a better one. and i will break as much as it takes to find a new way to live. because some things in me are OH so good! and some are not.
i will live again like never before. THIS is the
unprecedented future i long for. in this breath.


broken and planted.

green grass

...if it were any other color would it smell as amazing? =0] i l o v e grass.
the texture on my skin
the color in all shades
the smell when it is cut.
the memories it holds of my neighbors
my dad
my grandmothers push mower i used when i was little. the only mower i've ever used in fact since my dad was afraid we'd slice our toes off if he let us use the gas one. pretty much the one thing he never taught his girls to do. i used a riding mower once, that was fun because it was a really old stick shift... i digress.

this all seems to be part of the 5 senses i'm really into these days. i think they have been heightened by being aware and being in a new place, awake to things i've never thought of. ideas and experiences, what life is all about. did you know that grass tastes pretty good? i mean, if you're a cow and we eat cows and drink their milk and wear things made from their skin, so we might as well thank the grass as much as the cow. yep, a little grass with some good ole' american cheese and ketchup, YUM! =0] hahaha, i need to sleep more than 4 hours a night. word.

oh smell that grass. i would even stop my car, get out and smell fresh cut roots anytime. that is what it's about, taking your opportunities, enjoying the everyday. i like todays grass the best, i don't know if i'll get to seesmelltouchlovebreatheindelightful grass tomorrow. be here with me.

snackety snacks

i have decided to give up snacks.

permanently.


i came to this conclusion today at approx. 6:34pm sitting in my car. i wrote it down right away because obviously, that is what one must do to make it concrete. and by one i mean me.


so no more snacks. it's possible i will eat a small candy bar on a weekend. or, even some crackers and cheese if i'm low on protein. but i realized that i'm sabotaging my healthy eating choices if i constantly interrupt my body with junk.
i will eat 3-4 meals a day that consist mainly of:

whole grains
as many fresh and organic products as i can manage
dairy
mostly white meat & fish
nuts & berries from the woods.
ok, maybe not from the woods, but yuuuummm blueberries!
etc. on with the goodness!

one exception to this is fruit, i will eat that anytime i want and in any amount. however, i don't expect to go overboard on this. i remember when i never craved chocolate. i want those days back. i don't like the feelings i get when i 'need' something like that. hello, it's food! you eat it to make your body produce energy, life, yes you enjoy it but it's just fuel. this is what i believe. if i ask you to say this and slap me a couple times, please do.


goodbye snacks.


FOREVER.






i won't miss you. hahahahah! take that.

cavities

*sharp intake of breath* my cavities are killing me this morning. why? probably because i still eat too much sugar (even though i do a LOT less of the stuff than i used to..i was a hardcore addict, borderline diabetic.) and haven't been to the dentist in a several years. i try to go as infrequently as possible for several reasons.



contrary to popular opinion, i actually like dentists and feel it's a great idea to treat the one set of teeth i have with love and care. i do not go to the dentist because i don't have any insurance and cannot afford it otherwise. i really need to go to the dental students program, they'll fix me up for cheap! = 0 ] however it normally takes a lot longer... time is money. geez. ok, so i don't get why the torturous pain of cavities must continue after they keep the thing from spreading. what's the deal with that? eternal punishment for bad eating habits? nice.



cavities in my upper left molar

cavities in my heart

pain that radiates and clouds then shrouds perception of depth, reality, life, success, health.

it is easier, always, to remember pain. to hold on to that bitter feeling, when it is just that. because i would rather, i get more from it. i like pain better obviously, otherwise i would focus on something else. like the last time i woke up feeling so refreshed and excited i jumped out of bed, got wiggly hands and grinned at god in the darkness of my room. like the miracle of new life everywhere! like the breath i will take in a second. it is easier to remember pain, but so empty and unsatisfying. joy that springs up in my soul at the stoplight because i just remembered something nice a customer said to me this morning, that was a direct 'hey, you are living in community melissa, THIS is what it's about' from the big man. it is better to remember the good things, to choose to dwell on them and learn just as much from both.



and just like that, my cavities don't hurt anymore. seriously.



a personal reflection: periods. so painful i'm in bed all day with the shades drawn, moaning and being bItChY to everyone who comes in to offer me tea, books on tape, a backrub, ibprofen, love, support, music, a bell so i don't have to yell when i need them. the next day: the pain is gone like a miracle. i want to

run a marathon

sing in front of a thousand people

pick flowers and give them to random unhappy people

kiss everyone i see. ok, maybe just family members.

jump up and down for hours

do something risky.

i am ALIVE!



this is what it feels like to let go. and fall into life full of pain and joy. it is horribly beautiful.





gorgeous cavities.

Here, ride my bike!

Dear Mom,
I have poison ivy. AGAIN.
Love,
Melissa


P.S. I got it while climbing a tree on Monday. It reminds me of when
I was little and I got it while making mud soup in Katie's backyard up
the hill on Oxbow. Then that night after you'd figured out it
was Poison Ivy and told us all I remember we went out to ride bikes.
I offered mine to all the neighborhood kids and they were very
suspicious. Someone almost took me up on it finally but then Al
screamed "DON'T DO IT, SHE HAS POISON IVY AND YOU'LL GET IT ALL OVER
YOU!" and with a collective gasp they all ran home to tell their
mothers. I can still feel the oil on my hands and handlebars and the
glee I took in the thought of spreading the misery. Oh gosh I was a
horrible kid!

It hurts a bit and itches and CONSTANTLY weeps. Just on my laft
arm, woop de doo. I am taking some homeopathic Hylands under my
tounge and washing it a lot to dry it out( I just remembered today
that I have some poison ivy soap by Burt's Bees in my room, I can use
it!!), and cortisone cream as well as hydrogen peroxide. It's killer
because it seems to be getting better and then the next day looks back
to a state of horridness it was in before. Man, I hate this stuff!
BUT I will not stop climbing trees! Maybe just not that one though...
=0{

anyone...?

i don't think anyone is reading my blogs. or, they are but they're not leaving comments. WHY THE FREAK NOT?!







common people, where's the love? what do i have to write to get feedback? that's all i want, geez. *sigh*