two feelings

i am following the head and the heart
the one
tells me not to disbelieve the
one
because of
the other.
and these ideas confuse each other nearly every other

time.


i live in the very clear black and white on the resting place
of the six feet under
but it doesn't feel more friendly or easier to swallow
my heart
in my throat
every time the memories well
of the beautiful times
the experience of him. of us. and i don't want to
distrust my heart because of my head.
they are a good team.
but they also got me here and i am grateful for the clearing of the fog.
even though the cost was the end.

i try to remember only the one
value the one good big part
have hope that i could feel that again
because that was
the
first.
he
was the first
i ever truly felt that with.
connected.
but it is as pointless as saying the ground under me is made of rainbows as i know full well that
the one without the other isn't whole.
the head and the heart make me
whole.
and i am lonely again.
but i am whole.

i take both forward with me. two feelings.

birds

sunshine greets me when I

step

out

and the day cannot hold back a minute more

the sounds lift my heart as my ears pick up their owners.

a bird song that transports me to my 

childhood

a breath of memory in a tune none can replicate, a soul calling out to

find

it's

one.

my spirit would have fallen a month ago

but

today!

joy is all I can hear,

all I can take

all I can give.

this bird song. namaste. 

past

and I have hope I will get 

past 

these

feelings. 

but I have to 

walk through it first, before 

i can decide to 

leave it behind, 

you feel me?

tearing

the tearing of my heart

goes whoosh

as all my air is taken and briefly I forget to do even the most basic

breathing

during this moment of realization crashing upon realization. 

seeing reality, isn't that the definition?

it hits me and I am deflated momentarily, 

frozen in fear of the pain I am about to experience. the inevitable sucking of life's beauty in sparkle and brightness and cheer. I know it will come back, I am not afraid of that; it's just that the valley always seems

so

much

deeper

than the last time I was here

when it comes to loosing love. 

for my heart can withstand this, it's not fear of never regaining love in my life, it is the grief of loosing this particular love, that 

cripples 

the sobs emitting from my mouth

muting the words I try so gallantly to 

sing with as I process. 

the tears running down my face

remind me of you again as I watched you cry them earlier and I think

even that will not happen again. 

one small death, one small goodbye, over and over again. 

until there are no more. and eventually 

the valley is not all I walk in

but there are trees and sunshine and I can remember the beauty in you and in us

without having to wring in my breath and submit to the darkness again. 

because the love I lost with you

was once and not now. 

the whoosh turns out to be time moving again. 

and so I go 

forward. 

face it

this fear that you have let

make the calls

and the decisions too

shows up finally on your doorstep

asking if this is all you wanted. 

face it now, you've stolen time long enough

and it's just time, all made up.

tell me and the fear what 

you know deep inside 

can't live so planted over anymore.

show us how much truth you want to live

dug up

for the sun to shine.

this news isn't new but it's freshly cultivated and solid

because you know this is your heart

finally

that even though the person is wonderful

he wants

not 

what you want. 

and you go forward 

into that bright light

by way of the valley

steps sodden in occasional tears

but full of certainty and wonder

at your own strength in 

letting go

to

hold on. 

face it, you're just on the doorstep.

clichés in movement

preparation to encourage

living a day to day focused only on what

sincerely matters to my path. 

feels right, fluffs the freedom under my wings

again

and I know it is good what I'm wanting 

good what I'm choosing to follow

and that this big voice in me

will weed out all the small distractions

deigning to hold me back

by their grasp

of ownership. 

I lead, in act ll, with an opening scene of 

less

to

beget

more.

the windows in my soul smile so hard

it spreads to my face and my hands and my work and all the words that flow forth. 

because moving towards this future creates room for parts of me now that I otherwise would be stranger to.

for this and all new challenges I am grateful. 

deep breath now, live in the gifts.

hope to the rafters!*

*less than 14' by regulation

the same

i don't know but sometimes

it all feels the same. 

game to me and by others 

and aren't we all just in our own

heads?

this life ain't gonna slow down

fo

no one

and i brought my best smile

the rest I'll file

under "SPOKEN"

my peace

in these sheets

just doesn't get any more honest

but i guess

these days are bound to happen

only if i happen to

choose

what my future self 

told me

sold me

in the dream that lives right along side my 

other motions and tells me

'get it right, give it all'

because you only have today and

anyone else is

just lying. 

find inside to live fully

your dreams can happen

if you just get up to them. 

wake up to this day

and stand up for what you want

in this middle place

time you stop feelin

the 

same.