control

who knows how many more
sunsets i will see.
5,000?
or
5?

who knows how many more times i can hear people compliment me like waves on the beach
while also not wishing the sand they carried back out with them was staying with me?

being raised to be aware of others, i now cannot figure out how to be fully aware of myself.
(there are greater problems, do not worry, i will not stop here).
however, i seem to have no problem putting others ahead of myself except when it comes to romantic love.  i will not let go; i never have.  i am  afraid of it, so it controls me.  this thing that should be so glorious and beyond a depth i have ever driven!

instead
i wear a trench coat
and dark glasses and one of those ugly floppy hats.

to hide away from it, blend in with the masses; i am ok, i am fine by myself.


i cannot hide much longer though.

my heart is telling me

'enough.'
it pangs so hard, so often, more than ever before.
'stop holding me back.'
it says.
'just give him a chance! or, him!'
and it clamors to be heard
'if you try to squelch me again, next time it will hurt worse. but not nearly as much, you see, because you will have shut it out.  sooner or later you will numb me entirely, and the frozen
nub
of me left will hit the ground, never to be moved again.  and that will hurt the worst you see, because you won't feel a thing at all.  to pain is to live, to agonize is part of love, part of the same beat that skips with delight at the thoughts of he
that loves you.

no promise comes without sacrifice.
give me up.'

and it is good.  amen.

the great tribulation

what does this all mean
and why must we hold up our head
when we just want to lay it all down
at your

feet.

how can i help be the hands and the
feet
of your love
when all i know to do is
hug
and
pray
and say "i'm sorry"
for the umpteenth time.

where can i
go
to take it all away to
another place
so far removed
perspective is restored
that wasn't ever even there.

all these questions god.
and all these answers.
maybe they just can't make it through the time warp.
because i know heaven isn't above the clouds any more
than you are
in the city of gold
whilst we are in the city of dirt
and you watch and laugh from above as we stumble and fall.
no, i know better.
i just don't always know what.

i do know your love is unfailing
your hand holds me when i want to let go
you never show me anything less than an offer of mercy and a good future filled with hope.
these things i know.
let me then live.
it is enough.
you are.

it is found!

when you've looked everywhere
high and lo
inside and
out.  in the pocket of your favorite
jeans and in the book you
read last week.

with puzzled expressions
and nervous mouth twitches
serious pondering and
exasperated foot stomping.
every nook and cranny
and even your granny
has impatiently lifted her
left elbow for you to
peer underneath and
see that it is not there.
it is not anywhere.

but in your heart.
what you lost can be found.
just stop frantically searching
and pause.
to seek the Master's heart.
He'll lend an ear and
you will too.  "Find Me."