forever

"i'm sorry we don't have forever..."

floats in the background of tears filling the eyes of anyone

watching the father dying and the daughter living until

she starts to die.

nothing is permanent.
we take what we
have
and
hold
for granted as it is.

the forever we live in only
feels
endless
because it hasn't ended

habit or consistency, the pulsing of life in the everyday.

rarely is the flower both dead and alive
how the sun does shine
on the living and the dead.

it is your breath.
you choose.

so many chances

scenes of life flashing before my eyes
famine
celebration
new breath
last breath
discovery
hope
failure
wonder
grief
love
joy
fear
protest
acceptance
journey.

and i am so grateful for the constant chances to we have been given.
it overflows my heart
out my eyelids and onto my cheeks.
the beauty and pain of life i wouldn't miss, not for all the
sameness
in the world.
give me liberty
to make the right choices
for me, trust me to know what i need to do for myself.
because when i do, we all can.

not all the problems will be solved
there will still be ugly selfishness
and i can't choose for others but i can choose again, so many times this day, what i will do to bring beauty to the pain.

thank you for these chances. we have been given so many chances.

control

who knows how many more
sunsets i will see.
5,000?
or
5?

who knows how many more times i can hear people compliment me like waves on the beach
while also not wishing the sand they carried back out with them was staying with me?

being raised to be aware of others, i now cannot figure out how to be fully aware of myself.
(there are greater problems, do not worry, i will not stop here).
however, i seem to have no problem putting others ahead of myself except when it comes to romantic love.  i will not let go; i never have.  i am  afraid of it, so it controls me.  this thing that should be so glorious and beyond a depth i have ever driven!

instead
i wear a trench coat
and dark glasses and one of those ugly floppy hats.

to hide away from it, blend in with the masses; i am ok, i am fine by myself.


i cannot hide much longer though.

my heart is telling me

'enough.'
it pangs so hard, so often, more than ever before.
'stop holding me back.'
it says.
'just give him a chance! or, him!'
and it clamors to be heard
'if you try to squelch me again, next time it will hurt worse. but not nearly as much, you see, because you will have shut it out.  sooner or later you will numb me entirely, and the frozen
nub
of me left will hit the ground, never to be moved again.  and that will hurt the worst you see, because you won't feel a thing at all.  to pain is to live, to agonize is part of love, part of the same beat that skips with delight at the thoughts of he
that loves you.

no promise comes without sacrifice.
give me up.'

and it is good.  amen.

the great tribulation

what does this all mean
and why must we hold up our head
when we just want to lay it all down
at your

feet.

how can i help be the hands and the
feet
of your love
when all i know to do is
hug
and
pray
and say "i'm sorry"
for the umpteenth time.

where can i
go
to take it all away to
another place
so far removed
perspective is restored
that wasn't ever even there.

all these questions god.
and all these answers.
maybe they just can't make it through the time warp.
because i know heaven isn't above the clouds any more
than you are
in the city of gold
whilst we are in the city of dirt
and you watch and laugh from above as we stumble and fall.
no, i know better.
i just don't always know what.

i do know your love is unfailing
your hand holds me when i want to let go
you never show me anything less than an offer of mercy and a good future filled with hope.
these things i know.
let me then live.
it is enough.
you are.

it is found!

when you've looked everywhere
high and lo
inside and
out.  in the pocket of your favorite
jeans and in the book you
read last week.

with puzzled expressions
and nervous mouth twitches
serious pondering and
exasperated foot stomping.
every nook and cranny
and even your granny
has impatiently lifted her
left elbow for you to
peer underneath and
see that it is not there.
it is not anywhere.

but in your heart.
what you lost can be found.
just stop frantically searching
and pause.
to seek the Master's heart.
He'll lend an ear and
you will too.  "Find Me."

the depths

row
and grow
miles and miles beneath the sea
and just when you think
you're dead
BOOM
it hits your flank with an
inspiration none too kind.
this life!
you better wake up
sit up
swim up
and take it.
and live.
because you only sink
when you're still
breathing.

jerks like a knee

this pain jerks me awake

so cruel, like a joke that's not kidding.

no warning, no permission granted, but it sears just the same.

my head throbs and my nerves squeal

relent!

uncle!

cease and desist!

i give uuuuuuuup.

i can't handle this, god!

is what i yell through the most honest, unstoppable tears i have dropped in years.

the flood comes, night after painful night, when i haven't even wanted it, worked for it, sought it out.

this water falling from my eyes belies a heart fresh in healing from pain just as severe.

a root canal can fix only one of these things, and that is unfortunate

but bliss in the end.

because if i could, go to the doctor, and have him fix everything wrong with me

and get a prescription to kill this, numb it, i wouldn't. no, because he can only know so much, you see

and i need to know all

of me

before i can fix it.

even then

i can really only hold it together with band-aids and wishes

that god will hold me tight in the palm of his soul and protect me when the wave threatens again

in the middle of the night

this pain

i didn't ask for, but have and can't make go away.

if only a root canal could fix that.

come to see

today i have come to see
a pain away and into
for some mysterious shift has occurred
a change so swift
i have to double check.
i can take myself away from it, and i can put myself back into it
but i can.
and i realize that.
i have chosen.
frighteningly close to giving in to heartbreak.
now is the time to twine into learning and pain and loving this game and filling the holes with sunshine to burst out into the winter of my life.
the solitude and the introspective me
this
i have come to see.

chunky lentil soup

regret like the lumps of underdone carrots remain in my mouth for far too long.
this extra lung of pain cannot just dissipate, it ruminates to the contrary.
oh no
oh no
sometimes we dig our own graves.
i wish i had wanted to eat this soup as much as i wanted to make it.

the flowers all pop up in rows without me
and they don't even know.
that this fame and glory and guts has all been for naught.
i don't want to win.
i just want to rewind,
to the place
where i was in that brief moment when our eyes matched
with windows finally open to souls that were full
and on the same page.
for that one moment.

but i can't get that back
and i can't sit around wanting that back.
because it is not my chair
it is not my window
it is only my soul that is left
frankly,
and i know this way well.
i have made my soup.
and now i must eat it.
tears and all.
oh,
if only they would come.

this heat

this heat reminds me of
the cold i felt this morning.
the crisp wind blew and friends came too
this morning on my face.
a heart so full of joy and wonder
dew frozen solid and saved just for me
to glance and to stare for as long as you stayed.
what a secret, what surprise i never did expect.
i hoped to hope and dared to dream but
snow,
here,
in austin?
TEXAS?

but i think the best thing about this cold heat
is that it still glows on my cheeks.  hours upon hours after we were together.
the outside and i.
if i could bring you in and hold you close, and always be with you i would.
but then i would never miss you.
and it's always nice to want you.
outside, i take it back.  i will appreciate you for what you are, but we can't always be together.  sometimes i have to sit in a comfy chair and sip something warm and tasty.  so thanks.  thanks for leaving me with a reminder of you on my cheeks.

the room

the room is endless and narrow

i feel the ceiling looking at me

this way is the only way to go

forward.

i have paused.

for far too long.

in front of a closed door

again.

why can't it be open?

why can't it be another door?

why can't it be a long time ago?

these doors are everywhere

they are all shut.

shit.

well, hm.

i will have to keep walking then.

because actually,

i want the door to swing open to ME

when i am not stopped

waiting

waiting

forever

staring

i want the air in the room

the light in the room

to GUSH with change and brillance

and fresh breath.

as the one opens!

to come chasing after me!

oh yes.

and i know it in my bones,

i have always known it will be so.

this room is long and wide open, carefree onwards saunter i.

allowed

allow yourself to hope.

for that day when you will go on a hike

with your husband and toddler.

allow yourself to hope.

for the moment when you realize your

fears won't be.

allow yourself to hope.

for the time when you show up with

someone else

no longer empty handed.

allow yourself to hope, filkins, because it won't be forever that you are here. and it hurts either way. let love in. let hope begin. let it stay.

crack open november

and let it breathe. like this book sitting in my hands

on my heart

written by one i know.

show me a part of your soul i can't handle and make it move the ground

this place is a new one

eager am i to turn off replay

and shove my depths into concentrating on your words.

a book is a feast for many enjoyed one at a time and spared not in the cloaked words of the past and present and future.

for this time is one we all will share and live through.

the tunnel narrows.

i turn off the computer.

and delve into the paper and ink.

oh, delicious.

batch out

when these dollars and cents add up to

be

the sum total of my life's time

up to this

point

i find another reason to pause

and search for the best.

the very best.

what i have before me is nothing less than the unpredictable and

potentially very full life of

living.

alone it is magnanimity.

with god it is magnificent even beyond my comprehension.

and this is why

i will never

can never allow myself to go it without the spirit which made me and lives in me still

this weakness, penchant for half-assed living due to it's easy nature

lends oneself to believe, nay, be clouded with, the vision of success.

but i have only succeeded when i have failed to live a life cloistered

a life uneven

with the keel

of the path

or the soft hewn planks of the stern

worn by the worried and frantic pacing during the storms.

nary a hair on my head goes uncounted.

these pennies and dimes will show me why

it is never the end or the change that results

but the moment in which i give it away.

let it never be me that settles.

for less.

than the best.

ink on a roll

start out raw and tiny

unsure and hopeful that i will turn

eventually

into this giant thing i desperately want to

be.

a small ball of string

that starts tipping, then slowly rocking and

gently

on it's way to becoming

the biggest

ball of collected life stor(ies)y

ever in my history.

frankly my dear, i don't give a damn.

it's only ever been

about pushing

being pushed

into the shape

whatever it is

of something i am inside but cannot be

on my own.

i keep discovering little corners and bits of geometry

that i didn't know fit into my structure

but do.

oh, so well.

these sharp angles that keep poking out are preventing me from rolling,

but then,

i am finding

the stopping and slowing

is all this ink needs

to flow life into these dry bones.

green as a dandelion leaf.

dry spell

crackle

and spackle

when you just can't stop to breathe

spit

fire

and roll on the ground

for when you can't blink you need not hesitate

halt and lay down

lay it all down.

take a nap, take a rest, take a break.

rest up in the warm covers and the security that

god's got your back

and your front and your everything uncertain.

he's in the picture, he is the picture.

lord, when all i can think about are my failures you give me rest, peace, persuade me yet again with just a glance

that i am not lovely because of what i do. no not in the least.

i am loved by you and created to bring all that you have shoved in my soul to life simply because of what you are.

this war that wages in the blink of an eye in the conflict of middle battleground ceases when i drop my gun and raise my surrender

for you are always ready to jump in my stead

lead me away from the middle and give me perspective.

let the things i think on be noble and pure and a delight to your eyes, god. all of them.

i think,

therefore i am.

promise me this dry spell won't last, father. whatever it is, just promise me you'll be here speaking still.

promise.

disrupted

i am not lonely yet we are not fanciful or starry eyed

this disruption is not too far away, in fact it is right in my face

see the look in my soul?

the window floats open on hinges always oiled

during the meeting i could tell you were coming

i knew the ground had shifted

how, i couldn't tell you

but then it surely had.

forever i have waited for this distinction

for words to come and go and be and be just so

that i do not know what they are

but that the truth must be spoken and if it is of the past present future the only thing that matters is that they are said

and in real time

not alone and sadly but with others who have not learned how to avoid patience having

and who listen and are with each other during everything. during life.

this disrupted notion is not contrived or a motion to move to a new place, new station

merely a grand scheme to move my contrite heart out of the cold and into the heat of the day

out of the shadows of just ho-hum and focus in the eye of the lens at the sun and risk my sight and my shutter and

disrupt.

as i have been

disrupted.

make the muscles of my face

grin.

again.

make me do it again.

this laughter that spills out

the anticipation of the next moment...

i have never been good at keeping secrets

and i can't keep this one.

all will know i wrote that, drew a line that looked like a cat when i meant to form a monkey

but it's ok

it's fine

a perfect evening was never had

but the muscles in my face

are stronger

as is the laughter in my soul.

so thank you friendsandstrangers

my cheer is due to you.

alphabet soup

fraught forlorn

eyes enter

near now

towards together.

yea, yell

mountains made

kids kairos

beauty besot.

stolen secrets

picture possession

laughter lightly

held higher.

awaken ardent

woeful wetness

crime committed

gregarious generosity.

fresh faces

and just like that

the night goes from

sad and pitiful

to understood and shared.

even though we haven't

spoken of what is on my

mind.

being with

with

with.

a friend like you.

new

and old.

always kind and forever

ready to understand...

makes this dark ache

go to another place

where

i am not staying.

you have taken me

from myself

and given me

you. streams of gratitude.