forever

"i'm sorry we don't have forever..."

floats in the background of tears filling the eyes of anyone

watching the father dying and the daughter living until

she starts to die.

nothing is permanent.
we take what we
have
and
hold
for granted as it is.

the forever we live in only
feels
endless
because it hasn't ended

habit or consistency, the pulsing of life in the everyday.

rarely is the flower both dead and alive
how the sun does shine
on the living and the dead.

it is your breath.
you choose.

curl into me.

as the smoke hurries upward

what was once a steady flame

begins its end. 

going so quickly it rolls onto and into

itself

transforming the nothing into an

exceptional display of motion and play with light and dark visible

when otherwise this would go unnoticed. 

flickering in the light already lit

this darkness

full of intrigue and wonder

pushing the air out of its way

to display it's spectacular

finish.

fireworks in the daytime, the moment gone nearly as abruptly as it came.

swiftly, 

we all go. 

and to remember that the end can be as significant as the duration of the light. 

the giving and the receiving, 

hurriedly pushing upwards. 

the deliberation of all this time

if i pause long enough in my spinning with the world and all

it's fancies

i hear it loud and clear right below the noise

"you miss him. this is unprecedented, given you just spoke to

him mere hours ago."

and i wake up at 2am and again at 4

presumably because i am cold

(under my cozy comforter)

wide awake

waiting for something i shouldn't expect, another call.

we said "goodbye" for his trip already.

but i look for whatever must have woke me as though it were a

tangible thing

when i know 

this feeling is it.

connectedness.

he must be awake too. 

worried. wondering. hoping.

i almost reach for the phone, because that is what we do

humans

when we want something

immediately try to satisfy the want.

realizing i want to satisfy it not for him but for me

makes me stop, and instead

review the hopes i shared in hushed

prayerful

tones over the phone for his time away.

and that is enough.

i cannot change his being gone for my  wants

because his wants are just as important

to me.

give him peace of mind to leave on

and return with.

god speed.

all of the feelings left at the end of a day.

if you tie it up with a bow, having done your best to show

the inner self the outer is just as productive and savvy, 

but still

at the end of your work world, feel, that there is an

untidiness to the edges, a slight haze that gives it away,

come sit with me.

on the daily i find at least one thing i could have focused

more wholly upon, one more life i should have sincerely

paused for, one more sky i could have imprinted upon the 

picture of my memory to take with me forever.

life is short and although there is so much value in the 

realization that all we have is the now, and you only get the

one shot, and nothing is guaranteed, well, i am also here to tell you that it is overhyped.

even by me.

do not sell yourself short in doing something "TODAY!" that 

you ordinarily wouldn't feel in your nature to do!

stay true to yourself, dear heart.

life is also just as long as we LIVE IT.  

enjoy the opportunity to sip your favorite latte and take

in an incredible sunset. savor the moments in time with your

loved ones and be open to learning from strangers. sit down 

with a book and immerse your imagination in the story someone

else has shared.

but do not do these things, any of them, out of hurried guilt.

life is short, yes, but never too short for you to enjoy the

beauty and gift of self. 

the way you see and feel the world is unlike that exact frame of

any other, and that is a joy to be shared as well.

sit down with me, love, if at the end of the day your heart is 

still wanting.  look at the warm lights with me dear, and 

hear your own voice.  this time is so brief that it could last

forever.

so many chances

scenes of life flashing before my eyes
famine
celebration
new breath
last breath
discovery
hope
failure
wonder
grief
love
joy
fear
protest
acceptance
journey.

and i am so grateful for the constant chances to we have been given.
it overflows my heart
out my eyelids and onto my cheeks.
the beauty and pain of life i wouldn't miss, not for all the
sameness
in the world.
give me liberty
to make the right choices
for me, trust me to know what i need to do for myself.
because when i do, we all can.

not all the problems will be solved
there will still be ugly selfishness
and i can't choose for others but i can choose again, so many times this day, what i will do to bring beauty to the pain.

thank you for these chances. we have been given so many chances.

baboom baboom

I can hear the music shake

And I convert the energy in my legs into 

Shifty hips that sway with the beat. 

Carefree in appearance

I

Listen for the stranger's voice. So many surround me and most of them slurred

But I feel I will know the one that is his

When he says "hello, oh it's you."

Waiting

I

Almost forget why I am here

And you are not. 

Waiting I imagine all the ways our first conversation will go. 

This voice never comes but instead a summons

Not in so many words but in the between the lines that asks "will you go first instead?" Maybe covering for the "you don't look like your picture online so I don't really want you to be you" or "I can't leave my friends" or "this is harder than I thought, strangers meeting."  

So I take the breath in necessary to swallow the fear and the pride and all my lovely dreams of how it would go, and make the first move instead. 

Out of my space and into yours. 

After I arrive home and the tape starts replaying in my head, my internal mantra. 

"Why was I so weird? I acted stupid, like I didn't have any conversation starters. Like there was nothing I wanted to know about him, except everything! His friends watching us made me nervous and they were prettier than me or at least skinnier and he probably regrets obliging and asking me to ice cream tomorrow after all but had to do it so he wouldn't seem like a jerk. Well, maybe he actually wants to go... No, duh. He's in way better shape than you and has all the options in the world!  Why would he want to be with you?  

Also, he is cooler.  More of a risk taker.

Shit. 

Well I basically decide I wanna do things and then just MAKE THEM HAPPEN all the time, so what am I, chopped liver?! STOP.  You are not gonna do this.  I'm effing tired of this routine.  Stop the campaign slogans and the junk putting you in a separate camp from the people you want to be with. Classes are for learning, not for cutting up dreams."

And so I do. Because I am really tired of the tape and it's getting worn out anyway. If I pull it just a little more, it will break forever and I can't listen to it again. 

I empty my head. Fill my lungs with air. And take the step I need to be the first version of myself to make the move towards what I want. 

Peace. 

Disintegrating.

The more I hold on the more I am forced to

Let go. 

As the plans I have constructed fall away and in their place

Grains of sand

A dream once made of rock

Washed down into nearly nothing. 

And you would think that would be depressing. 

And it is. 

But the beauty in all those tiny moments holds my attention

More so than what I wanted. 

Not to replace but to be part

The sand in my hands and the rock I once thought I knew are one and the same. 

What I want is to be known. 

I have so many gifts and supports. 

Who am I to call it less than or not as whole? 

They are broken just like me. 

And all those dreams of 

Sand

Like the time 

Slipping through my fingers. 

Broken down, but so beautiful.