forever

"i'm sorry we don't have forever..."

floats in the background of tears filling the eyes of anyone

watching the father dying and the daughter living until

she starts to die.

nothing is permanent.
we take what we
have
and
hold
for granted as it is.

the forever we live in only
feels
endless
because it hasn't ended

habit or consistency, the pulsing of life in the everyday.

rarely is the flower both dead and alive
how the sun does shine
on the living and the dead.

it is your breath.
you choose.

the woods

you've led me into

this thicket of poison

and bear traps under 

every root and leaf

i have never felt more

safe as your hand holds mine.

the look in your heart is kind

eyes behold best intentions

and yours are pure.

from every bush comes 

noises i have heard 

that chilled me to the

bone.  but you have led me

here.

graceful

as i tiptoe along

this tightrope

extends beyond the corner

and i cannot see

trip and ye shall be picked up

doubt and ye shall be comforted

fly and ye shall join the heavens

in praise of this graceful life.

topple off the space provided and find

the rest.

there.

you are free to trust and push

show them the cloth

you are

cut

from.

grace.

it is too much, always.

i never deserve it

i always belittle it

he brings it as he has never failed to do.

lead me blind, farther than i have been before

trip with me

we'll turn it into a skip

and jump into your arms

they follow me and are ahead of me

in the constant questioning.

this morning always starts with darkness of black city streets 

but the sun rises.

steady and faithful.

you rise.

through all the choices i make to contrary your grace.

when i shout out you shout back

and i love you for it.

please do not leave me, i am weak.

in your strength.

i need you god

i need your grace to walk.

turned around

socioeconomic wonder 

at this hate filled fear

for we have only been hurt

by love

in our fragile state.

we have been pierced by

grace

bled from

mercy

turned over in our graves from 

forgiveness.

we are alive in fear but

we are whole at least

kept to ourselves.

safe.

but we are dead to all

that is life.

love.

rest

to rest the tired feet the tired mind the tired

soul.

oh to rest father,  i hear you.  the feel of

the bed beneath me beckons a call to rest not only my body, but my everything.  

when i say

"push melissa, just keep GOING" 

you say 

"rest melissa, just rest in me, i am enough".  

when i say 

"of course i'll be there, i don't have any other plans" 

you say 

"stop melissa, and sit at my feet".

the moment i give in to the silence inside of me i fear it, i fear the still quiet of your soul, father.  i say i want you so badly, but when it comes down to hanging out in the evening with your voice or going to hang out with my friends, i do not choose you.  not as i should.  not without severe hesitation and claiming the "valid excuse" of my need for sleep instead.  no, no i do not say "i just need to sit with god tonight" because that would be too honest, too blunt, wouldn't it?  no.  telling the truth is fine when it isn't about your need for him, all the time.  how i am never going to be enough. 

never.

without him.

i am empty and even void of the desire to give anything without his love filling every crevice in my bones.  to shoot out my fingers and ears and the tips of my hair and the very thoughts i think.  

i long to/he longs for me to 

soak in the soul of my creator, my love, my friend, my god.  the just one who showers me with grace i don't know how to give and lavishes attention on a starved heart, grasping for grass in the desert.   like a small child who can't make good decisions for herself i will choose to let him make mine.  he knows better.  he loves the world better.  he sees clearer.  i see with filters of busyness.  of too many activities, meant to fill my life with life but ends up taking it.  

because i have said yes one too many times.

and

so i will sit.i will soak.

i will say yes to you lord god, my one.

a kiss

grace in weakness, in everything.
faith that something
capable, all-knowing, a soul of infinite depth
has my soul
in their hands. intercedes on my behalf with groanings beyond utterance.

these are the things that i need. this is the way.


the greatest of these is love. faith, hope, and peace. the greatest. that is no suggestion, the statement that the best, the biggest, most permanent way to actually live is to love. to love beyond the call of desire. to love when i have nothing left to give, to open my soul so that the love of the father can flow through me to truly love god, others, myself. to love. period. like a kiss. a connection i know nothing about, but seems a promise, a desire to give. to take. to learn.

what is sacred anymore? what is left under the sun? nothing new.

honor thy father and mother. honor thy teacher, thy stranger, thy friend, thy lover. honor. respect and esteem one another.




the greatest of these is love. faith, hope and peace.
i pray for love.
i pray for faith.
i pray for hope.
i pray for peace.
i pray. prayer is the power of friendship and love between us, the communication i so often ignore. you are whispering to me in everything. sometimes shouting. i whisper back. or shout. but sometimes i do not listen. sometimes i do not see.
i will pray.
because he loves me.
he. loves. me.
jesus open my eyes, push me
in front of a bus
shove flowers under my nose,
wake me up!
i want to live in the world you are in. jesus, your love is the most wordless thing i have ever felt, it is indescribable. i want my love to be like you.without grounding or sensibility.without selfish desire to have it returned.you give without condition.bike gangs, jesus will you be in my bike gang?teach me to bike slower so that i can be with my friends, BE with my friends and strangers.i feel your heart in this father, the selfishness in my heart desires to be the fastest, to be the best.it kills love.KILLS it.father, let me be the slowest and let my pride die daily.i want to love you more.and them.

over under all around

hello world.

i am over
under
all around
whelmed.

surrounded all at once, almost in an intentional effort to undermine me living a quiet life. to upset the balance of quiet and comfort and hovering on the verge of committing. to something. to love. to loving something, besides myself.

you are asking me to come early to work and wash the dishes by hand because the dishwasher is broken again for the thousandth time. and not complain, but have joy in my heart.
you are asking me to give of my time when i feel i have the smallest amount of it, when i want to hoard it the most.
asking me to love the way your heart beats so different from mine, but love the way you paid close attention in making mine as well.
pleading with my soul to listen to the message you sing to me all day long. the words without speaking. utter.a.sigh.of.anguish.
the movement in my body as i walk with defiance, you ask me to give it up. to give you my anger, to share it with you. you are complete to handle me.
the walls i put up when i am most afraid. afraid of letting fear make my decisions. you ask me to open my fist of anger, to empty myself of it. just stop building the wall, this foundation of sand. stop.
the digging i do when it is me that is hurting, the hurting i unload on others. i have no right, you ask me to grab hold of grace. for them, for myself.
the way you ask me. god? it is like asking the moon to move over a little so more stars can join in it's path of brilliance. listen to the lord god, foolish moon! he created you! he loves you! you cannot see the brilliance until you get out of the way! it is a breath, a whisper, a SHAKE, a laugh, a gesture, a breeze. it is like the hardest thing i have ever heard. love is painful. but love is the only way.

you are asking me. you.are.love.

anniversaries

hello great big world and all sorts of people reading this. hello.
i am writing this today to let you know i have just figured something out: someday, one day, i will be my parents. yours too. i will be a parent whose child knows them as "mom", not "melissa", which will be very strange and wonderful and hard and fun and growing and demanding and new. mostly new. i wonder if you ever really get used to the reality of having people whose lives you have been entrusted with, whose well being and education are top priority, manners and knowledge of the world at large come from you? this responsibility is huge, the magnitude of which i cannot even grasp. to be given this gift, this job of raising a person to care about the state of their neighbors, the environment they live in, about the choices they make and how they affect everyone and everything around them. raising someone who grows and evolves and knows through and through that the person they are is just wonderful, that the gifts they have been given are like no one other person on this earth, that they can give of their talents and passions and change their areas of influence. that their voice will be heard if they want it to be, because they are yours. and you will do whatever it takes to see them succeed in life. whatever that means, whatever that looks like, but that they would embrace their soul. isn't that what it means to be a parent? to love? that i will be a parent and known as such will be very different. the role is unlike any other, and has unmatched challenges. you give and give and give for years and then maybe someday, when she is 22 she might think of me as "melissa" as well as "mom".

today is my parents, dave and brynda's, 36th wedding anniversary. it is an occasion marked with joy and peace and comfort and memories and thankfulness and hope. a day marked, that changes my mind just a little more about who they are every year. and i wonder, do my parents know how much i love them? how much i adore their selflessness? i mean i can tell them until i am blue in the face, but do they really know? the time that they gave me, the patience and love, an environment that wasn't protected from the harsh reality of life but was sheltered from the things they deemed unnecessary to our growth. they were right and wrong. they are people. just like me. enjoy your anniversary mom and dad, brynda and dave! i love you for being you, an older me.