bedtime

amidst the laughter and the glances

music and the pain of close but not close enough just yet

we sit

and eat pancakes and wonder

'is this the way we make friends?'.

i have said often i speak more than i listen and i have

said

it

often.

lord.

make my ear one quick to listen

my heart a sponge for those i am around

make my arm a resting place for the weary

and this worthless back useful to carry those whose burdens outweigh them.

as a finger of you, god, let me lighten let me push

the corners of the frown into a hopeful glance.

make me a friend, father. one who truly jumps at the opportunity to BE with those that need to be WITHed.

i am anxious without you, and with you. i am heavy with the danger of letting my small mouth make the biggest blunder of all

by saying so much

that i fail to say anything

of love

of silence

of listening.

let's get together, yeah yeah yeah. why don't you and i combine?

re-do!

the gruff responses that i shove

the harsh and short and 

clipped,

they all remind me of me when i am 

\distracted./

show me a pause button on the tv

the mute on the conversation in my book

the lovely rewind on the traffic light i ran

please just show me a way to make it so that i can listen to you

with all the love and attention you deserve,

and reply with sensical answers instead of 

"huh?"s and "yeah"s and "nope"s.

so that i can really

listen,

and not with 1/2 my focus.

i am frustrated with having to pause, but not because of you, because of 

me.

feet

tonight i stand

and walk

with hands on my head

and feet in slow motion.

towards you

your

body and

blood.

i walk and i watch the floor

the feet

surround me

and i follow the set

in front of me.

'melissa, do you hear me?

yes, i am listening.

melissa, you can't see in front of her feet.  you can only see them move, bit by bit.

and this is all i want you to do.  just follow my feet.  you don't have to see where they are going, but you know they are mine.'

and i felt enveloped in safety like i have not known in months.  i cannot see in front of your feet, jesus, but i will follow them to the ends of the earth.  hold me, i feel like a child.