night

alive chatter

jumping over one another's sentences

flowing around the circle

igniting a new flame 

thought

question

experience 

piece of life. 

we gather because we want to

we came because we care

invest in others

invest inside. 

in no particular order we check in with the other

ask deeply and often

"how ARE you?"

and friends tell

because we want to be known

that the pain will be less

and the heart will be more

if we do so. 

risk. enjoy. step in. 

these friends bring lightning with the rain. 

my favorite.

this heat

this heat reminds me of
the cold i felt this morning.
the crisp wind blew and friends came too
this morning on my face.
a heart so full of joy and wonder
dew frozen solid and saved just for me
to glance and to stare for as long as you stayed.
what a secret, what surprise i never did expect.
i hoped to hope and dared to dream but
snow,
here,
in austin?
TEXAS?

but i think the best thing about this cold heat
is that it still glows on my cheeks.  hours upon hours after we were together.
the outside and i.
if i could bring you in and hold you close, and always be with you i would.
but then i would never miss you.
and it's always nice to want you.
outside, i take it back.  i will appreciate you for what you are, but we can't always be together.  sometimes i have to sit in a comfy chair and sip something warm and tasty.  so thanks.  thanks for leaving me with a reminder of you on my cheeks.

crack open november

and let it breathe. like this book sitting in my hands

on my heart

written by one i know.

show me a part of your soul i can't handle and make it move the ground

this place is a new one

eager am i to turn off replay

and shove my depths into concentrating on your words.

a book is a feast for many enjoyed one at a time and spared not in the cloaked words of the past and present and future.

for this time is one we all will share and live through.

the tunnel narrows.

i turn off the computer.

and delve into the paper and ink.

oh, delicious.

make the muscles of my face

grin.

again.

make me do it again.

this laughter that spills out

the anticipation of the next moment...

i have never been good at keeping secrets

and i can't keep this one.

all will know i wrote that, drew a line that looked like a cat when i meant to form a monkey

but it's ok

it's fine

a perfect evening was never had

but the muscles in my face

are stronger

as is the laughter in my soul.

so thank you friendsandstrangers

my cheer is due to you.

fresh faces

and just like that

the night goes from

sad and pitiful

to understood and shared.

even though we haven't

spoken of what is on my

mind.

being with

with

with.

a friend like you.

new

and old.

always kind and forever

ready to understand...

makes this dark ache

go to another place

where

i am not staying.

you have taken me

from myself

and given me

you. streams of gratitude.

cold

if this is the way

of your cold finger

cold ear.

turn it away from me.

all that i have given and

all that i don't deserve,

all because i didn't want

you to be alone.

i can tell sometimes

you are afraid when

you're alone.

but there is a difference

between being along by

choice and being alone

because you cannot be with

others.

i think you have taken

the latter and made it

your reason.

but we both know

you are never alone.

and that is why you

are giving me the cold

shoulder. you don't want to see.

bedtime

amidst the laughter and the glances

music and the pain of close but not close enough just yet

we sit

and eat pancakes and wonder

'is this the way we make friends?'.

i have said often i speak more than i listen and i have

said

it

often.

lord.

make my ear one quick to listen

my heart a sponge for those i am around

make my arm a resting place for the weary

and this worthless back useful to carry those whose burdens outweigh them.

as a finger of you, god, let me lighten let me push

the corners of the frown into a hopeful glance.

make me a friend, father. one who truly jumps at the opportunity to BE with those that need to be WITHed.

i am anxious without you, and with you. i am heavy with the danger of letting my small mouth make the biggest blunder of all

by saying so much

that i fail to say anything

of love

of silence

of listening.

let's get together, yeah yeah yeah. why don't you and i combine?

we are not

community

we are not in this alone

we cannot be.

it is not good.

when i sit and stare into the darkness for too long

by myself

it turns into all i can think about

all that surrounds me.

when i stretch out my hand

like those famous hands in that painting on the ceiling

i can feel you grip me tight

right

away with reassurance that you are there

with me

in the midst of everything.

pulling me out of

or you in, too

the darkness i have seen.

the willing heart of one ready to go into battle

for those they love

even when it is over something small.

that is truth, that is honor, that is confidence which

flows

about sharp and poignant like the surprise of a pomegranate.

friends.

we are not in this alone.

rocking down the aisle

is a someday thought, wish, hope.

right now

i am fully satisfied rocking

down the road

nodding my head

and scooping shoulders and shoving my neck this way

and that.

the music within and around isn't always the beat i want

but somehow, it morphs from the horrible

and tragic to the shared

pain of beauty that this road always holds.

turns into

curves into

the celebration that is the moment you get the call

or read those words that make you want to weep with relief

even though you're not a cry-er.

these things outweigh the negative

10 to 1.

or at least, keep you rocking down the road, not hoping for the end or when you have 

figured it all out and can control yourself at all times

and always say the right things

and think the right things

and never hesitate when you hit someone's parked car to leave your info on their window.

but keep pushing on to the everyday, because it is in that we learn

i learn

to lean

into the things that really matter

not traffic and money and being on time for everything,

because sometimes it's when you're on the back burner and walking 2 miles in three inch wedges

when you find it.

that spot. the one by the railroad tracks with the gorgeous sunflowers and beaming rails waiting for you

just there

around the bend.

today.  when you weren't even looking for it, and you were hot and cranky and stressed.  but it was perfect before you. and after you.  and with you.

like god, like little bits of god.  sunshine rain.

re-do!

the gruff responses that i shove

the harsh and short and 

clipped,

they all remind me of me when i am 

\distracted./

show me a pause button on the tv

the mute on the conversation in my book

the lovely rewind on the traffic light i ran

please just show me a way to make it so that i can listen to you

with all the love and attention you deserve,

and reply with sensical answers instead of 

"huh?"s and "yeah"s and "nope"s.

so that i can really

listen,

and not with 1/2 my focus.

i am frustrated with having to pause, but not because of you, because of 

me.

fading into new

as this once i thought i knew

is coming unfurled and all things

new

i am shown to be forever true

to what

i do not know.

for just then i think i have shown it too.

allegiance to my skin

this sheen i was born in

but never can quite fit

upon this frame of face and heart that shifts

so quickly i cannot catch it.

burn me up and inside out

for all this life i shan't comprehend 

the beauty that lies within.

these souls He has shaped.

shutter

whisp and whir the afternoon

clicking by the moments roll onto

a roll

and capture all the feelings in my fingertips

which sizzle with excitement

jumping the gun and proving

the point

and click!

the deed is done.

but what if i have done it wrong?

forgotten a smidgen of detail vital to the snip

of a slip

of a shoe sideways on concrete

in the evening crescent?

shore 'nuff the lessons

i've learned like a lurching car

sticking and grabbing the gears

just feel it up

feel it out

these moments will mesh

you just 

wait

and see.

fly

but this is so much different from what

everyone else tells me, responds with.

i am not sure that this is even the 

best thing for my

weak heart

i can't take it.

because of that, i am sure it is.

fly melissa, she says

what do we have left if we hoard our

hearts?

is that what life is about?

saving the scraps?  getting something back?

shoot, it's the experience

stop trying to figure out what everything is for and

be in it.

making everything just so, so right and so purposeful for 

what you do not know

like the leaves growing upward on a tree, defying the odds of smidgets and winks of sun

pushing to live, taking any little bit they can

i should not be so afraid of living with my heart outside my chest.  seem so confident but too

scared. 

my friend sandra says

no no no

it is much better

to fly

than to doubt.

and she is righter than i have ever been.

the coop holds no promises

but then

neither does the sun.

My dad has several kidney stones. This is not a joke.

It all started a long time ago when my dad, David Filkins, was born. I mean, a looooong time, well ok, I guess he's not that old. =0) Anyway, for some strange reason, he is prone to kidney stones.  He had one in '96 and it was awful.  This time the doctor has confirmed he has more than one in his kidney, with the largest and most irritating stone measuring 1cm. You read that right, MAMMOTH.  One cannot pass a kidney stone that large, so my father has to have it lasered with a process called lithotripsy into smaller, passable pieces. My dad has the highest pain tolerance of anyone in our whole family (and perhaps anyone I know otherwise), but he was in severe pain for 2 days before we all convinced him late Wednesday night that this was not going to disappear and he really needed to find out what the problem was.  No matter the cost.  Especially because you don't have the money dad, you're all we do have. Loving and being loved by you (and mom) is and has been the most influential aspect of my life.  My entire family's.  GOSH!  So my mom took him in.

  My parents don't have health insurance, haven't since dad was employed by a company with benefits.  Currently my parents work as reading tutors out of their home and they cannot afford it health insurance, so this is a huge burden financially.  One that may take them the rest of their working lives to pay off.  My dad is on the waiting list for the lithotripsy procedure (aprox. wait time: 1 month) so I'm praying he doesn't have too many intense bouts of pain in that timeframe.  Poor guy.

  If you think of him and are a praying person, please pray for my father.  If you want to take it a step further, my older sister Vanessa, who is an amazing photographer has set up a special deal on her incredible photos and all proceeds are going to pay the hospital bills.  She will send our parents a check on 3/30/09 with all the money she has gathered.  I am planning on having a car wash in the next couple weeks, so if you live in Austin let me wash your car!  Or, baby sit your children, or do chores or spring cleaning!  I'll do anything, within the law.  =0)  There is also a donation button here through PayPal (it is not required that you have a PayPal account to donate) if you'd like to just give.  Our parents have no idea we're doing this, I know they will see it as a miracle.  Thanks for any and all thought you have given this. 

soundoff, 3, 4!

i like waco, yes i do

i like waco 'cause it is new,

new to me but not to texas

lots more chevy and way less lexus

soundoff, 3, 4!

they talk real good and they seem real nice

when it comes to friendly, they don't dice.

the food is tasty and the custard divine

even if 'wild west' is dead at nine.

soundoff, 3, 4!

wa-co, you go!

i think it's fun to try new things

the town is country and all that brings.

the gym is apparently the place to be

even if it's the same old people they see

soundoff, 3, 4!

can't steal internet cause no one has it

we'll talk and watch movies, get back in the habit

one thing about country that ignites a passion

ya are yourself cause ya got no distractions

soundoff, 3, 4!

february

sometimes

when you feel just

blah

you remember the way you felt when you tossed the covers aside that morning.

and that feels good.

it feels better.

i want to live the

fresh

zest

sustenance 

each blah,

i want to savor the sunshine and the breeze and a friend to talk to who is listening.

i want to draw with chalk on the sidewalk for no reason and take my time.  i want to love what i do and who i have become and accept the things people compliment me on.

i want to work so hard on myself that i never stop

but stop

to stop

and see

this moment.

hope

opportunities,

grace.

pull back those covers, there is so much more.

a sad thing

i let you go

let down

the time i should have held on.

you are precious, to be treasured and known

instead i let you fend for yourself.

never again.

these eyes

are new.

sitting in the quiet in my head

you see me

sitting here at the table

wishing to be with you, with everyone

at the same i wish to be inside my head.

plugged into my headphones 

plugged into my computer 

plugged into the wall 

plugged up, 

locked up.

stolen away with technology but starving for others, companionship.

even if we don't talk

and we sit across from each other for 4 hours and we never exchange names.

community it is, truly it's not.

i see you sitting there, do you see me?

the quiet in my head is almost right.

almost.

day two

twirling with delight

at the wonder of movement.

the freedom escapes our fingers and ankles and heads thrown back in joy, utterly at peace with ourselves.

how can we all be such strangers together?

where is the harsh unfamiliarity of the everyday, the everyman?  gone. outside.  where there is no

dancing.

karaoke and the joys of public humiliation

for sure, i'll do it!

get up there and sing my heart out

or at least my guts

show them that i am just as willing as the next guy to

blow it

in front of utter strangers

and love it

because this is what living is about.

not being the best

prettiest

most talented or adored

but truly living in the moments you have.

"be here now" my friend rohni says, she says it a lot

to remind me

that if i am not here

i am there

and everywhere

gone

into the distance

that is my daydreams and not with

by 

for

into

the people and life i have now.

show up, never let anyone shut you up, but listen: be here now.

oh, and belt "goodbye earl" with your friend dearing on stage.  lo/li/ve it!