not a whisper

wring the word

his name

from your lips, the gut wrenching sound of his suffering love

and desire for your heart pulling on your tongue as you speak.

this is the word

name

that showers you with life and shame

freedom and the way

he is, this man, this god

he is mine.

jesus.

i will not whisper his name, and i refuse to believe the only way you will hear me is with your ears.

but i will scream and fly with the word he is

and always has been

for me

and everyone ever made and unknown to the strength of this universe

but i will recognize.

that he is all there is.

this love i know only because he is, he died, he never gave me up, he lives.

i will pray

but never in a whisper

only in grace and ferocity will these words

names

leave my lips.

he strains to hear it all, and i know he will not forget me, never them he saw first, before the beginning.

my grievous errors

1. i worry even though i'm not supposed to 
   
2. i speed when i know it is posted lower for a good reason
   
3. i laugh really loudly when the atmosphere is demure-like
   
4. i eat with my fingers when it is clearly silverware time
   
5. i do not make eye contact with creepy strangers who obviously want my attention
6. i swear without carefully checking to ensure a child-free environment
7. i use my typewriter when my roommate is trying to sleep
8. i procrastinate about little things
9. i do not pray as often as i want to
10. i take weeks to return some calls
11. i do all these things, knowingly.  i am a sad, sad little (wo)man.

BUT!  there is hope!  for tomorrow is another day, a fresh day.

free from my previous grievous errors.  what a chance, what an opportunity!

feet

tonight i stand

and walk

with hands on my head

and feet in slow motion.

towards you

your

body and

blood.

i walk and i watch the floor

the feet

surround me

and i follow the set

in front of me.

'melissa, do you hear me?

yes, i am listening.

melissa, you can't see in front of her feet.  you can only see them move, bit by bit.

and this is all i want you to do.  just follow my feet.  you don't have to see where they are going, but you know they are mine.'

and i felt enveloped in safety like i have not known in months.  i cannot see in front of your feet, jesus, but i will follow them to the ends of the earth.  hold me, i feel like a child.

a kiss

grace in weakness, in everything.
faith that something
capable, all-knowing, a soul of infinite depth
has my soul
in their hands. intercedes on my behalf with groanings beyond utterance.

these are the things that i need. this is the way.


the greatest of these is love. faith, hope, and peace. the greatest. that is no suggestion, the statement that the best, the biggest, most permanent way to actually live is to love. to love beyond the call of desire. to love when i have nothing left to give, to open my soul so that the love of the father can flow through me to truly love god, others, myself. to love. period. like a kiss. a connection i know nothing about, but seems a promise, a desire to give. to take. to learn.

what is sacred anymore? what is left under the sun? nothing new.

honor thy father and mother. honor thy teacher, thy stranger, thy friend, thy lover. honor. respect and esteem one another.




the greatest of these is love. faith, hope and peace.
i pray for love.
i pray for faith.
i pray for hope.
i pray for peace.
i pray. prayer is the power of friendship and love between us, the communication i so often ignore. you are whispering to me in everything. sometimes shouting. i whisper back. or shout. but sometimes i do not listen. sometimes i do not see.
i will pray.
because he loves me.
he. loves. me.
jesus open my eyes, push me
in front of a bus
shove flowers under my nose,
wake me up!
i want to live in the world you are in. jesus, your love is the most wordless thing i have ever felt, it is indescribable. i want my love to be like you.without grounding or sensibility.without selfish desire to have it returned.you give without condition.bike gangs, jesus will you be in my bike gang?teach me to bike slower so that i can be with my friends, BE with my friends and strangers.i feel your heart in this father, the selfishness in my heart desires to be the fastest, to be the best.it kills love.KILLS it.father, let me be the slowest and let my pride die daily.i want to love you more.and them.