dance

if i

when i

let it go

flow

slo-mo

fancy-o 

tight and loose

hips and wrists and loving all the moves i didn't

know i had.  when i let go

stop caring what i look like compared to my friends

all the strangers around me making their bodies move to 

a beat i haven't chosen, don't enjoy.

stop thinking about who is watching me and start digging in to the music, responding to the moment, the freedom coursing with the sweat and the inhibition.

of this dance

this rhythm

where i make the rules, my knees make the dips and my back shows it's skillz.

yes.

i can't dance like some, but i can dance like me.

and i love it.

violence

i am sick of myself, sick of opening and closing the same chapters of my life.  done with the endless questions i love to ask.  over making my thoughts the truth.  through with the emptiness that is the vanity of me.

i want something more, something that is the farthest thing from all of the rote.  this suffering must mean something, anything, full of nothing.  the price i pay is far less, so much less, than the idea of death daily.  step it up, filkins!  take it.  you beg for it, plead for mercy and grace and love and courage and the best he has to offer and nothing less.  so what are you willing to give for it?  where is that stalwart dedication, that piercing gratitude and rushing musher?  where is the strength when it comes to the grime, the shattered fog?  it's so easy

easy

to be christmas at halloween, it's unexpected and not quite right.  

but it is beautiful.  to mush the pristine beauty of a hem in the caked dirtvomit of the street.  of letting go when you want to hold on.  of choosing change, not waiting for it to happen.  the beauty in that, the gorgeousness: of the highest integrity.  let it be said of me, and not just when i am dead.  i am willing to give it all.  to die today, tomorrow, forever.  take my pride father, take the pain i am focused on and show me yours.

love me so thoroughly that i am left without words.    so that i may live love with 

violence

valor 

and the vision of a warrior.