graceful

as i tiptoe along

this tightrope

extends beyond the corner

and i cannot see

trip and ye shall be picked up

doubt and ye shall be comforted

fly and ye shall join the heavens

in praise of this graceful life.

topple off the space provided and find

the rest.

there.

you are free to trust and push

show them the cloth

you are

cut

from.

grace.

it is too much, always.

i never deserve it

i always belittle it

he brings it as he has never failed to do.

lead me blind, farther than i have been before

trip with me

we'll turn it into a skip

and jump into your arms

they follow me and are ahead of me

in the constant questioning.

this morning always starts with darkness of black city streets 

but the sun rises.

steady and faithful.

you rise.

through all the choices i make to contrary your grace.

when i shout out you shout back

and i love you for it.

please do not leave me, i am weak.

in your strength.

i need you god

i need your grace to walk.

turned around

socioeconomic wonder 

at this hate filled fear

for we have only been hurt

by love

in our fragile state.

we have been pierced by

grace

bled from

mercy

turned over in our graves from 

forgiveness.

we are alive in fear but

we are whole at least

kept to ourselves.

safe.

but we are dead to all

that is life.

love.

find me not

in this shroud

of emptiness and torn flesh

i have not come to leave you yet

i will for always be inside.

the sorrow seeps, the weeping moans

my bone chance to overextend

for life itself is none too soon

the cost i brought shan't order me.

cross and alone

at long last he

the willow the only one

his shadow keeps

fraught up in pain the wormwood seeks

to swallow the truth, but never he.

sit down my friend

the deed is done

your coin is paid the morning comes

but not for you, your work is done.

liftoff

i am almost ready.  well, i still have to figure out what i am taking, pack, shower, sleep, get up, double check, last minute leftovers pack, and go to the airport.

what i mean is, i am so ready to GO.  the moment i step foot into the airport/plane/terminal/into my parents arms/the chilly michigan air can't come soon enough.  

THIS is the anticipation i want for jesus this christmas.  it may, or may not be even remotely close to his actual birth date, but i want to be so focused on his life and the things he told me as he entered the world, the way he came,  that nothing else matters.  not gifts, not lost luggage, not delays or cranky travelers.  

i am ready for christmas.  ready!!  now i have to go think about what i am taking.

violence

i am sick of myself, sick of opening and closing the same chapters of my life.  done with the endless questions i love to ask.  over making my thoughts the truth.  through with the emptiness that is the vanity of me.

i want something more, something that is the farthest thing from all of the rote.  this suffering must mean something, anything, full of nothing.  the price i pay is far less, so much less, than the idea of death daily.  step it up, filkins!  take it.  you beg for it, plead for mercy and grace and love and courage and the best he has to offer and nothing less.  so what are you willing to give for it?  where is that stalwart dedication, that piercing gratitude and rushing musher?  where is the strength when it comes to the grime, the shattered fog?  it's so easy

easy

to be christmas at halloween, it's unexpected and not quite right.  

but it is beautiful.  to mush the pristine beauty of a hem in the caked dirtvomit of the street.  of letting go when you want to hold on.  of choosing change, not waiting for it to happen.  the beauty in that, the gorgeousness: of the highest integrity.  let it be said of me, and not just when i am dead.  i am willing to give it all.  to die today, tomorrow, forever.  take my pride father, take the pain i am focused on and show me yours.

love me so thoroughly that i am left without words.    so that i may live love with 

violence

valor 

and the vision of a warrior. 

brazen colors

life is in my face right now.

i am hyper-sensitive to it,

to it all

it seems.

the colors are brilliant

blatant

brazen

bold and bright

beautiful.

borderline 

bodacious.

conversations infused with life and meaning and things i never saw before.

understanding permeates sentences i have overlooked.

zingers shoot from the fingers of thoughts i hear in a tense i could not comprehend before,

before.

before the you of today shoved them in front of my eyes, up my nose and into my gaping mouth.

pleasant and disturbing all at once.

the love you have for me in every moment shows itself clearly at every opportunity. i can see.

i can see!

i see you!

i see something of what you see!

the life you promised.  the pain i have felt before, the beauty and the ugly intermingling to create this reality of a day.  every day.  but then i see something new.

and it

it

is 

you.

in a aqua hue i have never lived in,

until now.

let me grab it with 

the

vim

and

vigor

.

that i do with everything else.

some do not understand

the way my heart is made.  the way i am.

but then.

they do and i just have never let them say

my heart

say

what i am to them.

for my heart is blatent.

my heart is bold.

brazen and beautiful.

this heart you have crafted in me father?

it is

it is

is

the love

that 

you 

have 

for 

me.

aqua hues i have never seen, never lived.

i

love

living

you.

let it be so, and let it be so.