it is only

the breaking of the dawn

his body

this fraught will of iron feathers

my heart.

it is not the 

starving multitudes or the end of the light we call life.

it is only.

a job.

an occupation.

a paycheck.

it 

is

not

who i am.

thin layer

of glass dividing me

from the silky pants and the flowing skirts.

high heels and cell phone breaks outside.

the sunshine glares, friendly albeit.

thin layer of work and no work.

complaints all around.

a coffee break later

we are glad we have a paycheck.

glass divides those of us, sliced down the middle.  caught in the cacophony in our brains

to slave 

or

starve.

we all wish there were more options.

adam, i blame you for this one.

eve, you too.

soundoff, 3, 4!

i like waco, yes i do

i like waco 'cause it is new,

new to me but not to texas

lots more chevy and way less lexus

soundoff, 3, 4!

they talk real good and they seem real nice

when it comes to friendly, they don't dice.

the food is tasty and the custard divine

even if 'wild west' is dead at nine.

soundoff, 3, 4!

wa-co, you go!

i think it's fun to try new things

the town is country and all that brings.

the gym is apparently the place to be

even if it's the same old people they see

soundoff, 3, 4!

can't steal internet cause no one has it

we'll talk and watch movies, get back in the habit

one thing about country that ignites a passion

ya are yourself cause ya got no distractions

soundoff, 3, 4!

rest

to rest the tired feet the tired mind the tired

soul.

oh to rest father,  i hear you.  the feel of

the bed beneath me beckons a call to rest not only my body, but my everything.  

when i say

"push melissa, just keep GOING" 

you say 

"rest melissa, just rest in me, i am enough".  

when i say 

"of course i'll be there, i don't have any other plans" 

you say 

"stop melissa, and sit at my feet".

the moment i give in to the silence inside of me i fear it, i fear the still quiet of your soul, father.  i say i want you so badly, but when it comes down to hanging out in the evening with your voice or going to hang out with my friends, i do not choose you.  not as i should.  not without severe hesitation and claiming the "valid excuse" of my need for sleep instead.  no, no i do not say "i just need to sit with god tonight" because that would be too honest, too blunt, wouldn't it?  no.  telling the truth is fine when it isn't about your need for him, all the time.  how i am never going to be enough. 

never.

without him.

i am empty and even void of the desire to give anything without his love filling every crevice in my bones.  to shoot out my fingers and ears and the tips of my hair and the very thoughts i think.  

i long to/he longs for me to 

soak in the soul of my creator, my love, my friend, my god.  the just one who showers me with grace i don't know how to give and lavishes attention on a starved heart, grasping for grass in the desert.   like a small child who can't make good decisions for herself i will choose to let him make mine.  he knows better.  he loves the world better.  he sees clearer.  i see with filters of busyness.  of too many activities, meant to fill my life with life but ends up taking it.  

because i have said yes one too many times.

and

so i will sit.i will soak.

i will say yes to you lord god, my one.

invisible

glass in my thumb.

obnoxiously invisible.

wondering wounded wishing someone would

notice.

mumbled, fumbled dropped.  a thing of perfection turned raw

cutting to the

quick!

invisible to everyone,

but we all see it

all feel it

invisible

pain.