staying

leaving is out for now. 

which it tough.  

could have gone back to the mountains and worked this summer, but i felt rooted here.  like, i shouldn't pick up and go even though I could have, easily.  

so, here i sit.  

and wait.  

and am reminded constantly that i am a believer of the unseen, of the invisible yet tangible beyond belief.  

i am a liver of life in the only one i know who has ever truly lived.  

i am following one who loves me more than i can ever understand and always holds me in his hand even when i feel like i can't take anymore of this harsh life, because it is.  

but it is also beautiful.  

all so beautiful.

the itch

to run and hide

to speak real loud

throw caution to the wind and just

give in

follow whatever it is that i want to do

without thinking.

or sometimes, when the mood is right

to look left and back to see

that the itch is fine and good

and

GO!

this feeling of wildness comes over me, this abandon to all things polite and boring.

to run into the unknown and relish it, envelop the minutes without hesitation.

for tonight is the night i want to dance long and loud and crazy and well

without regret.

it is not bad or ugly or wrong.

it is of beauty and truth that the things we can take, the things we can touch are of no consequence in the end.

only that which comes from within.

all i want

for christmas is my friends and family to be in one place.  and for me to be with them.  oh, to be so torn in such a beautiful way, for such a beautiful reason.  love!  if i could only have one thing for my selfish selfish self, that would be it. 

*sigh*

chums

leaves crunch all the way home

under the noiseless whir.

breathe deep in the moon from a cloudy sky that cannot find it, exhale the sliver from my shoulder.

people who astonish with

'midnight ride! we'll stop by

for you

for companionship

for doing something crazy

see you in 3o minutes!'

and the spokes 

jokes

flew.  my friends and i grew

even a step closer in what you might call

the thoughtfulness of those who care enough

to send the very best.

themselves.

cheer, chapped cheeks all around, the air a kind of soggy cold. the kind that takes parts of you an hour to fully regain feeling from, even though it's texas.

the kind of woman who will not let me ride her and her husband all the way home due to the sketchy nature of some area residents at this wee hour with the reasoning that 'there are too many big things god has to use your life for' who uses phrases like 'this is not a joke!' and then creates something extraordinary.

i lock and stop to thank god for these friends, they are the very best.  what did i ever do...?  no, that isn't how it works. oh man.  blessings out the wazoo.

rest

to rest the tired feet the tired mind the tired

soul.

oh to rest father,  i hear you.  the feel of

the bed beneath me beckons a call to rest not only my body, but my everything.  

when i say

"push melissa, just keep GOING" 

you say 

"rest melissa, just rest in me, i am enough".  

when i say 

"of course i'll be there, i don't have any other plans" 

you say 

"stop melissa, and sit at my feet".

the moment i give in to the silence inside of me i fear it, i fear the still quiet of your soul, father.  i say i want you so badly, but when it comes down to hanging out in the evening with your voice or going to hang out with my friends, i do not choose you.  not as i should.  not without severe hesitation and claiming the "valid excuse" of my need for sleep instead.  no, no i do not say "i just need to sit with god tonight" because that would be too honest, too blunt, wouldn't it?  no.  telling the truth is fine when it isn't about your need for him, all the time.  how i am never going to be enough. 

never.

without him.

i am empty and even void of the desire to give anything without his love filling every crevice in my bones.  to shoot out my fingers and ears and the tips of my hair and the very thoughts i think.  

i long to/he longs for me to 

soak in the soul of my creator, my love, my friend, my god.  the just one who showers me with grace i don't know how to give and lavishes attention on a starved heart, grasping for grass in the desert.   like a small child who can't make good decisions for herself i will choose to let him make mine.  he knows better.  he loves the world better.  he sees clearer.  i see with filters of busyness.  of too many activities, meant to fill my life with life but ends up taking it.  

because i have said yes one too many times.

and

so i will sit.i will soak.

i will say yes to you lord god, my one.

oh hope

hope oh hope where are you?
for all these years ,forever.
i have believed in you. in me.
but now i feel empty, despondent.
like the believing isn't worth it, a different thing hasn't happened.
this is NOT THE END OF MY LIFE.

not.



oh
hope.

i need you like rain on my upturned face. i need you like a walk.
i need you in everything i do, every moment i choose badly, or well.
hope? you are all i am ignoring, for you have come at the wrong time. from the wrong place. from a future that wouldn't work, i say. i refuse to believe you now. not that i cannot, but
won't.

my friend says i will learn from this, and i say i need to pay close attention. then i make that comment, the one i often do.
'yes well, i only have the one chance. this one life.'
and it is true. but how i hate saying it! trying to placate myself, make my hurt sound trite and trivial.
oh hope take me!
away from this bitterness and aged anger. take me to faith and trust and willingness to be hurt, yet again. to opening myself up to the possibility of a future different than the one i imagined when i never said i knew what my life would look like. but i lied. i had a plan, in the back of my heart. but i don't want it anymore, not the way i had it set. i want what you have for me god. if it is the same or if it is the opposite. oh lord even the very opposite! it hurts, but i give it. for i want you more. i cannot live without you. i do not understand you, i don't understand your love. i do trust you god.

i trust you.
i trust you!
i trust you.
and your hope.

amen.