what if

the walkers shake

and soft shoes tap

smooth pants and outfits all out dated

around the music go

dancing and shooting the stars and

start to make me wonder 

why

we are infatuated with youth

when it is the old who know the joy of living

who relish the moments

knowing

there might not be more.

none of us holds tomorrow

for a fragile grasp at life grips us all.

what if

old people made the music videos?

what if they showed us

how it's done?

let me never forget to stop and talk.

generations lost for fear and regret, shown up in a poll

of unimportant and noncommittal.

we are losing them by simply not choosing them

they are just like us.

celebrate the stages and the phases, each one.

i hope i may get old

or at the very least

truly live with those who are.

three strands

sisters

not easily broken.

shards of a whole

but whole in each

the greatest of these

remain

faith

hope

love.

bring me your tired, your weak

show them my sisters and they will find

within themselves

a love for the dysfunction of their family

as i love mine.

all of us shards

splintered and broken

into tiny pieces of a whole

we are whole

when we are with 

those who know us best.

all one river, one pack, one nation, one family.  

no one looks the same inside

when beauty comes from every corner.

take the time to hear me

hear you

hear the silent sweep of arms pulling us all in

to an embrace

of pain needing comfort

echoing another's thoughts

questioning the caveats and crevices

shallow souls need not enter

for family abounds

if you will shift to give and take.

all of us broken

left hopin'

three strands or one

we never stand alone.

3rd update on my dad's rocks, er, stones

pled for continuity report on my dad's kidney stones.  p.s. my mom is really hilarious, i mean let's not leave her out of this story!  she sent me the most recent update on his condish and i must tell a little back story for it to make a bit more sense to you wonderful friends: my mom is really progressing in her internet savvyness and when i first started this blog up last year, i checked in with her, challenging and reminding her to check it (she is a big fan.  not just because she is my mother, she insists upon this detail.) and one such conversation went like this:

me: "so mom, have you checked my recent blog posts?"

mom: "uh no honey, i haven't logged on it for awhile."

me: *guffaws and gasps for air for more than a moment.  howls might be a more appropriate description of this noise*

mom: *silence.  small chuckle.*  "uh, melissa what is so funny?  what?  what are you laughing about?"

me: "mom *gasp* oh    my    goooosh !  that is soooo hilarious!  'logged on'?  ohh my gosh!  mom-"

mom: "melissa, well isn't that what it's called?  i mean, what else would you say?"

me: "*snort* uhhh, you don't have to log on to my site, mom, you just have to type the address in and it'll take you there.  anyone can read it."

mom: "well *huf* OK.  no, i haven't visited it recently.  i'll look at it this evening.  gracious!"

ok so that was lengthy, but most of the time my mom manages to totally crack me up for something i might deem hilarious and others would simply glide right on past.  i just can't resist it, she's too cute.  she writes me e-mails sometimes regarding the things i have written (which are letters i will always treasure.  she is a builder, my mom.) and following is just one such note:

"Thanks for mentioning your Father's kidney stone.  We were just commenting this am (over blueberry muffins and tea*) that it was 4 weeks ago today that we spent the night in the ER.  He has only taken 2 pain tablets in the whole month!  He continues to take the herbal product, drink lots of water, and hangs upside down.  Isn't he a riot?  We cancelled the lithotripsy appointment because he is doing OK for now and we need to give the herbs time to work.  Except for getting up three times in the night to go to the bathroom, he doesn't give it much thought.  Keep up the prayers!  We know they are helping!"

 

*= my mother loooooves tea and has tea time as often as she can reason.  my dad joins her now that all the girls are out of the house.  it makes me sad, imagining them sitting there at the kitchen table by themselves, lonely.  perhaps they actually love this time and the silence in between all the kids coming in and out for reading lessons, but i, being one of their daughters who wishes the distance were mere blocks instead of thousands of miles, feel sad that i am not there as well. 

-update on my dad-

thanks so much to all of you who have asked about my dad, he is doing well!  here is an e-mail excerpt he sent recently:

"I thought you'd like to pass along to your friends the results I've had with "hanging upside down" to stop kidney stone pain. It works! Two times today when I was teaching the pain started to come on, so at break time I went downstairs to my Soloflex machine and hung upside down on the chin-up bar, hanging by the back of my knees for a minute or two. 

The pain came back again within an hour of the first trial.

For the second trial, I drank a glass of water about 15 minutes before hand and I also gently swung back and forth a little. The pain seemed to go away more quickly and it hasn't returned (as of four hours later), so adding water seems to be beneficial. I'm really excited that when I am home I can do this and thereby avoid having to take the tylenol #3 with codeine tablets.

For a long term solution, I've ordered an herbal product that appears to be capable of slowly dissolving the kidney stones and helping to improve kidney function at the same time."

he did get this product in the mail and is going to give it a try.  as i mentioned before, he does have several kidney stones and while i am hopeful that this product will in fact do great things to reduce the size of the stones, i still have some reservations.  he is on the waiting list for the lithotripsy procedure and i will keep ya'll updated, but thank you again for all your generosity, thoughts and prayers.  i cannot express how deeply it has affected me.  incredible!

My dad has several kidney stones. This is not a joke.

It all started a long time ago when my dad, David Filkins, was born. I mean, a looooong time, well ok, I guess he's not that old. =0) Anyway, for some strange reason, he is prone to kidney stones.  He had one in '96 and it was awful.  This time the doctor has confirmed he has more than one in his kidney, with the largest and most irritating stone measuring 1cm. You read that right, MAMMOTH.  One cannot pass a kidney stone that large, so my father has to have it lasered with a process called lithotripsy into smaller, passable pieces. My dad has the highest pain tolerance of anyone in our whole family (and perhaps anyone I know otherwise), but he was in severe pain for 2 days before we all convinced him late Wednesday night that this was not going to disappear and he really needed to find out what the problem was.  No matter the cost.  Especially because you don't have the money dad, you're all we do have. Loving and being loved by you (and mom) is and has been the most influential aspect of my life.  My entire family's.  GOSH!  So my mom took him in.

  My parents don't have health insurance, haven't since dad was employed by a company with benefits.  Currently my parents work as reading tutors out of their home and they cannot afford it health insurance, so this is a huge burden financially.  One that may take them the rest of their working lives to pay off.  My dad is on the waiting list for the lithotripsy procedure (aprox. wait time: 1 month) so I'm praying he doesn't have too many intense bouts of pain in that timeframe.  Poor guy.

  If you think of him and are a praying person, please pray for my father.  If you want to take it a step further, my older sister Vanessa, who is an amazing photographer has set up a special deal on her incredible photos and all proceeds are going to pay the hospital bills.  She will send our parents a check on 3/30/09 with all the money she has gathered.  I am planning on having a car wash in the next couple weeks, so if you live in Austin let me wash your car!  Or, baby sit your children, or do chores or spring cleaning!  I'll do anything, within the law.  =0)  There is also a donation button here through PayPal (it is not required that you have a PayPal account to donate) if you'd like to just give.  Our parents have no idea we're doing this, I know they will see it as a miracle.  Thanks for any and all thought you have given this. 

customized birthday books and the growth of toddlers

tonight i was part of a miracle

and i didn't even know it.

i was baby sitting for three kids i have sat for since the girls were 6 weeks old.

yes, i know i talk about them all the time, give me a break.  if you knew them you would too.

anyway, i taught them something, and it was a complete miracle.

to be witness to this growth and yet the initiator, the one who requested something specific of them, and to see it contemplated and then performed impacted me in a way i can only describe as

intensely beautiful.

it was remarkable!  to watch these girls, who have been part of the world 2 short years, learn something before my very eyes, and showcase their personalities and individual ideas at the same time, well i could talk about it all night.  i mean,

kids

people

we

are genius.

get them dance classes!  ap everything!  organic 24/7!  freedom in all pursuits!

let them live!

i beg you this one thing; just let me be part of it.

riot

take me away

i can't take this anymore.

you make me

[no, i give you the right]

detest this thing i have become.

a monster, the bad guy, the one you thought had your back.

not anymore.

i am tired

of watching 

my soul

die.

a sad thing

i let you go

let down

the time i should have held on.

you are precious, to be treasured and known

instead i let you fend for yourself.

never again.

these eyes

are new.

anniversaries

hello great big world and all sorts of people reading this. hello.
i am writing this today to let you know i have just figured something out: someday, one day, i will be my parents. yours too. i will be a parent whose child knows them as "mom", not "melissa", which will be very strange and wonderful and hard and fun and growing and demanding and new. mostly new. i wonder if you ever really get used to the reality of having people whose lives you have been entrusted with, whose well being and education are top priority, manners and knowledge of the world at large come from you? this responsibility is huge, the magnitude of which i cannot even grasp. to be given this gift, this job of raising a person to care about the state of their neighbors, the environment they live in, about the choices they make and how they affect everyone and everything around them. raising someone who grows and evolves and knows through and through that the person they are is just wonderful, that the gifts they have been given are like no one other person on this earth, that they can give of their talents and passions and change their areas of influence. that their voice will be heard if they want it to be, because they are yours. and you will do whatever it takes to see them succeed in life. whatever that means, whatever that looks like, but that they would embrace their soul. isn't that what it means to be a parent? to love? that i will be a parent and known as such will be very different. the role is unlike any other, and has unmatched challenges. you give and give and give for years and then maybe someday, when she is 22 she might think of me as "melissa" as well as "mom".

today is my parents, dave and brynda's, 36th wedding anniversary. it is an occasion marked with joy and peace and comfort and memories and thankfulness and hope. a day marked, that changes my mind just a little more about who they are every year. and i wonder, do my parents know how much i love them? how much i adore their selflessness? i mean i can tell them until i am blue in the face, but do they really know? the time that they gave me, the patience and love, an environment that wasn't protected from the harsh reality of life but was sheltered from the things they deemed unnecessary to our growth. they were right and wrong. they are people. just like me. enjoy your anniversary mom and dad, brynda and dave! i love you for being you, an older me.