we are not

community

we are not in this alone

we cannot be.

it is not good.

when i sit and stare into the darkness for too long

by myself

it turns into all i can think about

all that surrounds me.

when i stretch out my hand

like those famous hands in that painting on the ceiling

i can feel you grip me tight

right

away with reassurance that you are there

with me

in the midst of everything.

pulling me out of

or you in, too

the darkness i have seen.

the willing heart of one ready to go into battle

for those they love

even when it is over something small.

that is truth, that is honor, that is confidence which

flows

about sharp and poignant like the surprise of a pomegranate.

friends.

we are not in this alone.

on to the apologies

do you know?  this one little mistake

is eating me alive.

the guilt could survive on very little

does not need to be fed often

or more than once, really.

it can be left alone and unattended

yet it will flourish

not like a flower

or a carrot

but like a weed

a prickly, defensive cacti.

it consumes the smallest part of me that holds onto

regret and shame and dishonor

that i have strung up around my neck like

some pretty pearls.

but these are not to be adorned

or adored

they are to be shunned; blatantly reminds me of the 

choices i have made

not in that one mistake

but in every moment after ruing the decision plucked from a thought line

made only of and for myself.

this place is ugly.

i want to leave.  

but the only way out is where i entered.

back

through the regret and into the room i should have sauntered bravely into

the harbor that holds difficulty and peace side by side.

i cannot choose the easy life.

i cannot ever change that.  sorrys cannot make it better, but maybe they can make me think

more, next time.  will that the thoughts on the line be about them.  the others.  the ones i love

claim to

hold claim to

and push the block of self out of the way.

only with your strength god, only in my weakness.

-update on my dad-

thanks so much to all of you who have asked about my dad, he is doing well!  here is an e-mail excerpt he sent recently:

"I thought you'd like to pass along to your friends the results I've had with "hanging upside down" to stop kidney stone pain. It works! Two times today when I was teaching the pain started to come on, so at break time I went downstairs to my Soloflex machine and hung upside down on the chin-up bar, hanging by the back of my knees for a minute or two. 

The pain came back again within an hour of the first trial.

For the second trial, I drank a glass of water about 15 minutes before hand and I also gently swung back and forth a little. The pain seemed to go away more quickly and it hasn't returned (as of four hours later), so adding water seems to be beneficial. I'm really excited that when I am home I can do this and thereby avoid having to take the tylenol #3 with codeine tablets.

For a long term solution, I've ordered an herbal product that appears to be capable of slowly dissolving the kidney stones and helping to improve kidney function at the same time."

he did get this product in the mail and is going to give it a try.  as i mentioned before, he does have several kidney stones and while i am hopeful that this product will in fact do great things to reduce the size of the stones, i still have some reservations.  he is on the waiting list for the lithotripsy procedure and i will keep ya'll updated, but thank you again for all your generosity, thoughts and prayers.  i cannot express how deeply it has affected me.  incredible!

february

sometimes

when you feel just

blah

you remember the way you felt when you tossed the covers aside that morning.

and that feels good.

it feels better.

i want to live the

fresh

zest

sustenance 

each blah,

i want to savor the sunshine and the breeze and a friend to talk to who is listening.

i want to draw with chalk on the sidewalk for no reason and take my time.  i want to love what i do and who i have become and accept the things people compliment me on.

i want to work so hard on myself that i never stop

but stop

to stop

and see

this moment.

hope

opportunities,

grace.

pull back those covers, there is so much more.

quiver

"keep your chin up, but don't mind 

if your lip quivers."

(-carmen petrick, e-mail) 

the only thing about joblessness is the quivering, really.  it's not so bad, but for the uncertainty of a paycheck.  this mention from carmen (quoted) was perhaps one of the most astounding things i have read this week.  it hit me like a small child crying for attention.  you want to pay some mind to it, to assure them they are indeed cared for and uniquely important to you, however you do not want to jump too fast, thus encouraging the behavior.  

some of the things i say are like a foreign language.

in the attempt to keep my chin up, i know that it's quivering can be seen.  shockingly enough those who notice have only words of comfort and support for me.  it is a safe place to quiver, a safe bunch to walk with.  even though we all hurt each other as people do, unconditional love covers over these pains with immaculate love that is not from us, but from the father.  he is beyond capable, he is more than i can imagine.  oh love, oh lord, you have lifted me above these rising storms with your people, your love, your intimacies for my heart.  help me not to look down, but keep my quivering chin up towards your face.  oh.

this is

this is the day

this is the day

that the lord has made

i will rejoice

i will rejoice 

and be glad in it!

(song based off psalm 118:24)

 

today i was laid off.  and so it is, i cry and i rejoice for god is with me always.

faith

("we have to have faith, even though it's hard

and easy for me to say"

-phil quirk g/chatting)

faith is one of the most complex issues i have ever dealt with.  in what other parameters of life are we asked to place our complete and blind trust in a being so divine we cannot even understand in it's entirety?  

none.

except faith.

and why?

why, god?

well, i have no idea.

love maybe, maybe that is what love is, showering unconditional faith over a situation we deem impossible, or dismal at best.  

that no matter the outcome, we have still trusted

loved

hoped for what we could not

would not

should not

see.

we have to have faith even though it's hard.

always.

a kiss

grace in weakness, in everything.
faith that something
capable, all-knowing, a soul of infinite depth
has my soul
in their hands. intercedes on my behalf with groanings beyond utterance.

these are the things that i need. this is the way.


the greatest of these is love. faith, hope, and peace. the greatest. that is no suggestion, the statement that the best, the biggest, most permanent way to actually live is to love. to love beyond the call of desire. to love when i have nothing left to give, to open my soul so that the love of the father can flow through me to truly love god, others, myself. to love. period. like a kiss. a connection i know nothing about, but seems a promise, a desire to give. to take. to learn.

what is sacred anymore? what is left under the sun? nothing new.

honor thy father and mother. honor thy teacher, thy stranger, thy friend, thy lover. honor. respect and esteem one another.




the greatest of these is love. faith, hope and peace.
i pray for love.
i pray for faith.
i pray for hope.
i pray for peace.
i pray. prayer is the power of friendship and love between us, the communication i so often ignore. you are whispering to me in everything. sometimes shouting. i whisper back. or shout. but sometimes i do not listen. sometimes i do not see.
i will pray.
because he loves me.
he. loves. me.
jesus open my eyes, push me
in front of a bus
shove flowers under my nose,
wake me up!
i want to live in the world you are in. jesus, your love is the most wordless thing i have ever felt, it is indescribable. i want my love to be like you.without grounding or sensibility.without selfish desire to have it returned.you give without condition.bike gangs, jesus will you be in my bike gang?teach me to bike slower so that i can be with my friends, BE with my friends and strangers.i feel your heart in this father, the selfishness in my heart desires to be the fastest, to be the best.it kills love.KILLS it.father, let me be the slowest and let my pride die daily.i want to love you more.and them.

oh hope

hope oh hope where are you?
for all these years ,forever.
i have believed in you. in me.
but now i feel empty, despondent.
like the believing isn't worth it, a different thing hasn't happened.
this is NOT THE END OF MY LIFE.

not.



oh
hope.

i need you like rain on my upturned face. i need you like a walk.
i need you in everything i do, every moment i choose badly, or well.
hope? you are all i am ignoring, for you have come at the wrong time. from the wrong place. from a future that wouldn't work, i say. i refuse to believe you now. not that i cannot, but
won't.

my friend says i will learn from this, and i say i need to pay close attention. then i make that comment, the one i often do.
'yes well, i only have the one chance. this one life.'
and it is true. but how i hate saying it! trying to placate myself, make my hurt sound trite and trivial.
oh hope take me!
away from this bitterness and aged anger. take me to faith and trust and willingness to be hurt, yet again. to opening myself up to the possibility of a future different than the one i imagined when i never said i knew what my life would look like. but i lied. i had a plan, in the back of my heart. but i don't want it anymore, not the way i had it set. i want what you have for me god. if it is the same or if it is the opposite. oh lord even the very opposite! it hurts, but i give it. for i want you more. i cannot live without you. i do not understand you, i don't understand your love. i do trust you god.

i trust you.
i trust you!
i trust you.
and your hope.

amen.