invisible

glass in my thumb.

obnoxiously invisible.

wondering wounded wishing someone would

notice.

mumbled, fumbled dropped.  a thing of perfection turned raw

cutting to the

quick!

invisible to everyone,

but we all see it

all feel it

invisible

pain.

zzle

rizzle.  it speaks!  the words leap off my tongue and onto the screen.

how i wish i could write "paper" instead.  this life is so different, this blogging.

rizzle.  the friend who asks for a prayer, the man who asks for a flash, the stranger who asks for bread.  and i give it.  in a different way than i imagined.  in honesty and vulnerability, which really go handinhand.

rizzle.  this moment will never be repeated.  i said it today as i have said a million times before it, well perhaps a couple hundred at least: i want to live without regrets.  not at work, not in love, not in physicality, not in giving in or standing strong.  i want to live.  LIVE!

rizzle.  this ghetto speak is as close to the neighborhoods i bike through daily, as close to them a i get.  disaster.  mostly i am busy warding a smile off my face, lest i let one slip and am turned on faster than i can pedallikenotomorrow.

but there is no tomorrow.  there really isn't.  i am only promised today.  my daily bread.  i take it, greedily and without doubt that it will fill me, at least in part.  before i can think of what else i want to spend my energy on, my focus.  to give.  what would my life look like if that were my only motivation? 

i am such a selfish girl.  so silly and careless with my loved ones, my strangers, my god.  

for rizzle.

jesus, but you, YOU, you love me anyway.  love this drizzle away.

brazen colors

life is in my face right now.

i am hyper-sensitive to it,

to it all

it seems.

the colors are brilliant

blatant

brazen

bold and bright

beautiful.

borderline 

bodacious.

conversations infused with life and meaning and things i never saw before.

understanding permeates sentences i have overlooked.

zingers shoot from the fingers of thoughts i hear in a tense i could not comprehend before,

before.

before the you of today shoved them in front of my eyes, up my nose and into my gaping mouth.

pleasant and disturbing all at once.

the love you have for me in every moment shows itself clearly at every opportunity. i can see.

i can see!

i see you!

i see something of what you see!

the life you promised.  the pain i have felt before, the beauty and the ugly intermingling to create this reality of a day.  every day.  but then i see something new.

and it

it

is 

you.

in a aqua hue i have never lived in,

until now.

let me grab it with 

the

vim

and

vigor

.

that i do with everything else.

some do not understand

the way my heart is made.  the way i am.

but then.

they do and i just have never let them say

my heart

say

what i am to them.

for my heart is blatent.

my heart is bold.

brazen and beautiful.

this heart you have crafted in me father?

it is

it is

is

the love

that 

you 

have 

for 

me.

aqua hues i have never seen, never lived.

i

love

living

you.

let it be so, and let it be so.

deny

to live a life that revolves around the 

don't

s

is to live a life void of the

breathtaking abundance

of 

god.

a kiss

grace in weakness, in everything.
faith that something
capable, all-knowing, a soul of infinite depth
has my soul
in their hands. intercedes on my behalf with groanings beyond utterance.

these are the things that i need. this is the way.


the greatest of these is love. faith, hope, and peace. the greatest. that is no suggestion, the statement that the best, the biggest, most permanent way to actually live is to love. to love beyond the call of desire. to love when i have nothing left to give, to open my soul so that the love of the father can flow through me to truly love god, others, myself. to love. period. like a kiss. a connection i know nothing about, but seems a promise, a desire to give. to take. to learn.

what is sacred anymore? what is left under the sun? nothing new.

honor thy father and mother. honor thy teacher, thy stranger, thy friend, thy lover. honor. respect and esteem one another.




the greatest of these is love. faith, hope and peace.
i pray for love.
i pray for faith.
i pray for hope.
i pray for peace.
i pray. prayer is the power of friendship and love between us, the communication i so often ignore. you are whispering to me in everything. sometimes shouting. i whisper back. or shout. but sometimes i do not listen. sometimes i do not see.
i will pray.
because he loves me.
he. loves. me.
jesus open my eyes, push me
in front of a bus
shove flowers under my nose,
wake me up!
i want to live in the world you are in. jesus, your love is the most wordless thing i have ever felt, it is indescribable. i want my love to be like you.without grounding or sensibility.without selfish desire to have it returned.you give without condition.bike gangs, jesus will you be in my bike gang?teach me to bike slower so that i can be with my friends, BE with my friends and strangers.i feel your heart in this father, the selfishness in my heart desires to be the fastest, to be the best.it kills love.KILLS it.father, let me be the slowest and let my pride die daily.i want to love you more.and them.

oh hope

hope oh hope where are you?
for all these years ,forever.
i have believed in you. in me.
but now i feel empty, despondent.
like the believing isn't worth it, a different thing hasn't happened.
this is NOT THE END OF MY LIFE.

not.



oh
hope.

i need you like rain on my upturned face. i need you like a walk.
i need you in everything i do, every moment i choose badly, or well.
hope? you are all i am ignoring, for you have come at the wrong time. from the wrong place. from a future that wouldn't work, i say. i refuse to believe you now. not that i cannot, but
won't.

my friend says i will learn from this, and i say i need to pay close attention. then i make that comment, the one i often do.
'yes well, i only have the one chance. this one life.'
and it is true. but how i hate saying it! trying to placate myself, make my hurt sound trite and trivial.
oh hope take me!
away from this bitterness and aged anger. take me to faith and trust and willingness to be hurt, yet again. to opening myself up to the possibility of a future different than the one i imagined when i never said i knew what my life would look like. but i lied. i had a plan, in the back of my heart. but i don't want it anymore, not the way i had it set. i want what you have for me god. if it is the same or if it is the opposite. oh lord even the very opposite! it hurts, but i give it. for i want you more. i cannot live without you. i do not understand you, i don't understand your love. i do trust you god.

i trust you.
i trust you!
i trust you.
and your hope.

amen.

over under all around

hello world.

i am over
under
all around
whelmed.

surrounded all at once, almost in an intentional effort to undermine me living a quiet life. to upset the balance of quiet and comfort and hovering on the verge of committing. to something. to love. to loving something, besides myself.

you are asking me to come early to work and wash the dishes by hand because the dishwasher is broken again for the thousandth time. and not complain, but have joy in my heart.
you are asking me to give of my time when i feel i have the smallest amount of it, when i want to hoard it the most.
asking me to love the way your heart beats so different from mine, but love the way you paid close attention in making mine as well.
pleading with my soul to listen to the message you sing to me all day long. the words without speaking. utter.a.sigh.of.anguish.
the movement in my body as i walk with defiance, you ask me to give it up. to give you my anger, to share it with you. you are complete to handle me.
the walls i put up when i am most afraid. afraid of letting fear make my decisions. you ask me to open my fist of anger, to empty myself of it. just stop building the wall, this foundation of sand. stop.
the digging i do when it is me that is hurting, the hurting i unload on others. i have no right, you ask me to grab hold of grace. for them, for myself.
the way you ask me. god? it is like asking the moon to move over a little so more stars can join in it's path of brilliance. listen to the lord god, foolish moon! he created you! he loves you! you cannot see the brilliance until you get out of the way! it is a breath, a whisper, a SHAKE, a laugh, a gesture, a breeze. it is like the hardest thing i have ever heard. love is painful. but love is the only way.

you are asking me. you.are.love.