a door is not a window. unless it is.

do you see this
fierce
icy cold
piercing
determined

HOPE
in my eyes?

do you feel this
beat
smooth as the wind is strong
round the corner of my steering wheel

JOY
pushing out my fingertips?

do you know this
jesus
kinda prayer breathing
life as a step and another

LOVE
fleshing out this journey?


do you?
it is consuming me.

all the other steps

what if we could
go backwards
through time.
let's say we could.

all the steps we took
the clunks
and jerky

unsure

movements we made.
all the final runs we ran and jumps

we thought through

then lept into.

all those places we went on our own two feet.
or


did we
?

but now the ungraceful has
been redeemed
the moves and
nervous trips
have come to pass as

glides

down the school hallway in elementary
and it is.

for when we go backwards through time
we come to where we are.

control

who knows how many more
sunsets i will see.
5,000?
or
5?

who knows how many more times i can hear people compliment me like waves on the beach
while also not wishing the sand they carried back out with them was staying with me?

being raised to be aware of others, i now cannot figure out how to be fully aware of myself.
(there are greater problems, do not worry, i will not stop here).
however, i seem to have no problem putting others ahead of myself except when it comes to romantic love.  i will not let go; i never have.  i am  afraid of it, so it controls me.  this thing that should be so glorious and beyond a depth i have ever driven!

instead
i wear a trench coat
and dark glasses and one of those ugly floppy hats.

to hide away from it, blend in with the masses; i am ok, i am fine by myself.


i cannot hide much longer though.

my heart is telling me

'enough.'
it pangs so hard, so often, more than ever before.
'stop holding me back.'
it says.
'just give him a chance! or, him!'
and it clamors to be heard
'if you try to squelch me again, next time it will hurt worse. but not nearly as much, you see, because you will have shut it out.  sooner or later you will numb me entirely, and the frozen
nub
of me left will hit the ground, never to be moved again.  and that will hurt the worst you see, because you won't feel a thing at all.  to pain is to live, to agonize is part of love, part of the same beat that skips with delight at the thoughts of he
that loves you.

no promise comes without sacrifice.
give me up.'

and it is good.  amen.