snackety snacks

i have decided to give up snacks.

permanently.


i came to this conclusion today at approx. 6:34pm sitting in my car. i wrote it down right away because obviously, that is what one must do to make it concrete. and by one i mean me.


so no more snacks. it's possible i will eat a small candy bar on a weekend. or, even some crackers and cheese if i'm low on protein. but i realized that i'm sabotaging my healthy eating choices if i constantly interrupt my body with junk.
i will eat 3-4 meals a day that consist mainly of:

whole grains
as many fresh and organic products as i can manage
dairy
mostly white meat & fish
nuts & berries from the woods.
ok, maybe not from the woods, but yuuuummm blueberries!
etc. on with the goodness!

one exception to this is fruit, i will eat that anytime i want and in any amount. however, i don't expect to go overboard on this. i remember when i never craved chocolate. i want those days back. i don't like the feelings i get when i 'need' something like that. hello, it's food! you eat it to make your body produce energy, life, yes you enjoy it but it's just fuel. this is what i believe. if i ask you to say this and slap me a couple times, please do.


goodbye snacks.


FOREVER.






i won't miss you. hahahahah! take that.

cavities

*sharp intake of breath* my cavities are killing me this morning. why? probably because i still eat too much sugar (even though i do a LOT less of the stuff than i used to..i was a hardcore addict, borderline diabetic.) and haven't been to the dentist in a several years. i try to go as infrequently as possible for several reasons.



contrary to popular opinion, i actually like dentists and feel it's a great idea to treat the one set of teeth i have with love and care. i do not go to the dentist because i don't have any insurance and cannot afford it otherwise. i really need to go to the dental students program, they'll fix me up for cheap! = 0 ] however it normally takes a lot longer... time is money. geez. ok, so i don't get why the torturous pain of cavities must continue after they keep the thing from spreading. what's the deal with that? eternal punishment for bad eating habits? nice.



cavities in my upper left molar

cavities in my heart

pain that radiates and clouds then shrouds perception of depth, reality, life, success, health.

it is easier, always, to remember pain. to hold on to that bitter feeling, when it is just that. because i would rather, i get more from it. i like pain better obviously, otherwise i would focus on something else. like the last time i woke up feeling so refreshed and excited i jumped out of bed, got wiggly hands and grinned at god in the darkness of my room. like the miracle of new life everywhere! like the breath i will take in a second. it is easier to remember pain, but so empty and unsatisfying. joy that springs up in my soul at the stoplight because i just remembered something nice a customer said to me this morning, that was a direct 'hey, you are living in community melissa, THIS is what it's about' from the big man. it is better to remember the good things, to choose to dwell on them and learn just as much from both.



and just like that, my cavities don't hurt anymore. seriously.



a personal reflection: periods. so painful i'm in bed all day with the shades drawn, moaning and being bItChY to everyone who comes in to offer me tea, books on tape, a backrub, ibprofen, love, support, music, a bell so i don't have to yell when i need them. the next day: the pain is gone like a miracle. i want to

run a marathon

sing in front of a thousand people

pick flowers and give them to random unhappy people

kiss everyone i see. ok, maybe just family members.

jump up and down for hours

do something risky.

i am ALIVE!



this is what it feels like to let go. and fall into life full of pain and joy. it is horribly beautiful.





gorgeous cavities.

Here, ride my bike!

Dear Mom,
I have poison ivy. AGAIN.
Love,
Melissa


P.S. I got it while climbing a tree on Monday. It reminds me of when
I was little and I got it while making mud soup in Katie's backyard up
the hill on Oxbow. Then that night after you'd figured out it
was Poison Ivy and told us all I remember we went out to ride bikes.
I offered mine to all the neighborhood kids and they were very
suspicious. Someone almost took me up on it finally but then Al
screamed "DON'T DO IT, SHE HAS POISON IVY AND YOU'LL GET IT ALL OVER
YOU!" and with a collective gasp they all ran home to tell their
mothers. I can still feel the oil on my hands and handlebars and the
glee I took in the thought of spreading the misery. Oh gosh I was a
horrible kid!

It hurts a bit and itches and CONSTANTLY weeps. Just on my laft
arm, woop de doo. I am taking some homeopathic Hylands under my
tounge and washing it a lot to dry it out( I just remembered today
that I have some poison ivy soap by Burt's Bees in my room, I can use
it!!), and cortisone cream as well as hydrogen peroxide. It's killer
because it seems to be getting better and then the next day looks back
to a state of horridness it was in before. Man, I hate this stuff!
BUT I will not stop climbing trees! Maybe just not that one though...
=0{

anyone...?

i don't think anyone is reading my blogs. or, they are but they're not leaving comments. WHY THE FREAK NOT?!







common people, where's the love? what do i have to write to get feedback? that's all i want, geez. *sigh*