not a whisper

wring the word

his name

from your lips, the gut wrenching sound of his suffering love

and desire for your heart pulling on your tongue as you speak.

this is the word

name

that showers you with life and shame

freedom and the way

he is, this man, this god

he is mine.

jesus.

i will not whisper his name, and i refuse to believe the only way you will hear me is with your ears.

but i will scream and fly with the word he is

and always has been

for me

and everyone ever made and unknown to the strength of this universe

but i will recognize.

that he is all there is.

this love i know only because he is, he died, he never gave me up, he lives.

i will pray

but never in a whisper

only in grace and ferocity will these words

names

leave my lips.

he strains to hear it all, and i know he will not forget me, never them he saw first, before the beginning.

fences

i know this is what i know

i can think and write at the same time

i feel connected again for the first time in months

i can't remember when

i tell you

when

i felt this involved

able to process and

think

hurt

forgive

understand

see the truth clearly and abolish the double-mindedness of the past.

for i cannot be of two hearts.

i must believe myself.

i must love myself.

i must forgive myself.

i must

listen

to the voice of god and pray blessings on those who hurt me, knowingly or blind.

he said it would be easy, he whispered, it would be natural, and fine and all i would really want

well, devil, it isn't, wasn't, won't be.

but.

i'm still going to listen to god and what he speaks over my life for he has turned this one,

this small life of power you will never know into one who is filled not with anger and hopelessness and division

but with love and prayerfulness and listening and showing up on just one side of the fence, not crouching in the middle like some town cat, prowling for the best piece of dinner, wavering at the slightest movement.

no.

i am steadfast in this: i will fail, i will trip. but i will not get up on that fence again, because it is in the crouching that i hide, it is in the hiding that i keep myself, it is in the keeping that i loose it all

because that kind of life is not lived at all, only broken and hoarded and wept over.

i will forgive myself for being so hard on myself. and i will love this side of the fence.

it is endless.

we are not

community

we are not in this alone

we cannot be.

it is not good.

when i sit and stare into the darkness for too long

by myself

it turns into all i can think about

all that surrounds me.

when i stretch out my hand

like those famous hands in that painting on the ceiling

i can feel you grip me tight

right

away with reassurance that you are there

with me

in the midst of everything.

pulling me out of

or you in, too

the darkness i have seen.

the willing heart of one ready to go into battle

for those they love

even when it is over something small.

that is truth, that is honor, that is confidence which

flows

about sharp and poignant like the surprise of a pomegranate.

friends.

we are not in this alone.

rocking down the aisle

is a someday thought, wish, hope.

right now

i am fully satisfied rocking

down the road

nodding my head

and scooping shoulders and shoving my neck this way

and that.

the music within and around isn't always the beat i want

but somehow, it morphs from the horrible

and tragic to the shared

pain of beauty that this road always holds.

turns into

curves into

the celebration that is the moment you get the call

or read those words that make you want to weep with relief

even though you're not a cry-er.

these things outweigh the negative

10 to 1.

or at least, keep you rocking down the road, not hoping for the end or when you have 

figured it all out and can control yourself at all times

and always say the right things

and think the right things

and never hesitate when you hit someone's parked car to leave your info on their window.

but keep pushing on to the everyday, because it is in that we learn

i learn

to lean

into the things that really matter

not traffic and money and being on time for everything,

because sometimes it's when you're on the back burner and walking 2 miles in three inch wedges

when you find it.

that spot. the one by the railroad tracks with the gorgeous sunflowers and beaming rails waiting for you

just there

around the bend.

today.  when you weren't even looking for it, and you were hot and cranky and stressed.  but it was perfect before you. and after you.  and with you.

like god, like little bits of god.  sunshine rain.

don't wait

the world is spinning

spinning way too fast

and i am hungry.

ready for the day

the spinning stops

and the plate is

passed

to me, with

eager anticipation to see

what i will create

with myself.

the dog barks

the smoke smells

this day like any other

is just the beginning

of the rest of my life.

this today is my

chance at greatness,

to do something

contribute

epic

battle laziness

apathy and suspicion of

mediocrity.

and jump in with the spin.