Friday, August 21, 2009

not a whisper

wring the word
his name
from your lips, the gut wrenching sound of his suffering love
and desire for your heart pulling on your tongue as you speak.
this is the word
that showers you with life and shame
freedom and the way
he is, this man, this god
he is mine.
i will not whisper his name, and i refuse to believe the only way you will hear me is with your ears.
but i will scream and fly with the word he is
and always has been
for me
and everyone ever made and unknown to the strength of this universe
but i will recognize.
that he is all there is.
this love i know only because he is, he died, he never gave me up, he lives.
i will pray
but never in a whisper
only in grace and ferocity will these words
leave my lips.
he strains to hear it all, and i know he will not forget me, never them he saw first, before the beginning.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


i know this is what i know
i can think and write at the same time
i feel connected again for the first time in months
i can't remember when
i tell you
i felt this involved
able to process and
see the truth clearly and abolish the double-mindedness of the past.

for i cannot be of two hearts.
i must believe myself.
i must love myself.
i must forgive myself.
i must
to the voice of god and pray blessings on those who hurt me, knowingly or blind.

he said it would be easy, he whispered, it would be natural, and fine and all i would really want
well, devil, it isn't, wasn't, won't be.
i'm still going to listen to god and what he speaks over my life for he has turned this one,
this small life of power you will never know into one who is filled not with anger and hopelessness and division
but with love and prayerfulness and listening and showing up on just one side of the fence, not crouching in the middle like some town cat, prowling for the best piece of dinner, wavering at the slightest movement.

i am steadfast in this: i will fail, i will trip. but i will not get up on that fence again, because it is in the crouching that i hide, it is in the hiding that i keep myself, it is in the keeping that i loose it all
because that kind of life is not lived at all, only broken and hoarded and wept over.
i will forgive myself for being so hard on myself. and i will love this side of the fence.
it is endless.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

we are not

we are not in this alone
we cannot be.
it is not good.

when i sit and stare into the darkness for too long
by myself
it turns into all i can think about
all that surrounds me.

when i stretch out my hand
like those famous hands in that painting on the ceiling
i can feel you grip me tight
away with reassurance that you are there
with me
in the midst of everything.
pulling me out of
or you in, too
the darkness i have seen.

the willing heart of one ready to go into battle
for those they love
even when it is over something small.
that is truth, that is honor, that is confidence which
about sharp and poignant like the surprise of a pomegranate.
we are not in this alone.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

rocking down the aisle

is a someday thought, wish, hope.
right now
i am fully satisfied rocking
down the road
nodding my head
and scooping shoulders and shoving my neck this way
and that.
the music within and around isn't always the beat i want
but somehow, it morphs from the horrible
and tragic to the shared
pain of beauty that this road always holds.
turns into
curves into
the celebration that is the moment you get the call
or read those words that make you want to weep with relief
even though you're not a cry-er.
these things outweigh the negative
10 to 1.

or at least, keep you rocking down the road, not hoping for the end or when you have 
figured it all out and can control yourself at all times
and always say the right things
and think the right things
and never hesitate when you hit someone's parked car to leave your info on their window.
but keep pushing on to the everyday, because it is in that we learn
i learn
to lean
into the things that really matter
not traffic and money and being on time for everything,
because sometimes it's when you're on the back burner and walking 2 miles in three inch wedges
when you find it.
that spot. the one by the railroad tracks with the gorgeous sunflowers and beaming rails waiting for you
just there
around the bend.
today.  when you weren't even looking for it, and you were hot and cranky and stressed.  but it was perfect before you. and after you.  and with you.
like god, like little bits of god.  sunshine rain.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

don't wait

the world is spinning
spinning way too fast
and i am hungry.
ready for the day
the spinning stops
and the plate is
to me, with
eager anticipation to see
what i will create
with myself.

the dog barks
the smoke smells
this day like any other
is just the beginning
of the rest of my life.
this today is my
chance at greatness,
to do something
battle laziness
apathy and suspicion of
and jump in with the spin.