liftoff

i am almost ready.  well, i still have to figure out what i am taking, pack, shower, sleep, get up, double check, last minute leftovers pack, and go to the airport.

what i mean is, i am so ready to GO.  the moment i step foot into the airport/plane/terminal/into my parents arms/the chilly michigan air can't come soon enough.  

THIS is the anticipation i want for jesus this christmas.  it may, or may not be even remotely close to his actual birth date, but i want to be so focused on his life and the things he told me as he entered the world, the way he came,  that nothing else matters.  not gifts, not lost luggage, not delays or cranky travelers.  

i am ready for christmas.  ready!!  now i have to go think about what i am taking.

all i want

for christmas is my friends and family to be in one place.  and for me to be with them.  oh, to be so torn in such a beautiful way, for such a beautiful reason.  love!  if i could only have one thing for my selfish selfish self, that would be it. 

*sigh*

chums

leaves crunch all the way home

under the noiseless whir.

breathe deep in the moon from a cloudy sky that cannot find it, exhale the sliver from my shoulder.

people who astonish with

'midnight ride! we'll stop by

for you

for companionship

for doing something crazy

see you in 3o minutes!'

and the spokes 

jokes

flew.  my friends and i grew

even a step closer in what you might call

the thoughtfulness of those who care enough

to send the very best.

themselves.

cheer, chapped cheeks all around, the air a kind of soggy cold. the kind that takes parts of you an hour to fully regain feeling from, even though it's texas.

the kind of woman who will not let me ride her and her husband all the way home due to the sketchy nature of some area residents at this wee hour with the reasoning that 'there are too many big things god has to use your life for' who uses phrases like 'this is not a joke!' and then creates something extraordinary.

i lock and stop to thank god for these friends, they are the very best.  what did i ever do...?  no, that isn't how it works. oh man.  blessings out the wazoo.

beautiful looking back

one day i will come back

look back 

and see what

you have given me

she has given me

he has given me

love has given me.

pain and beauty.

and i want all of it

to look back and see

truth.

oh snap!

rest

to rest the tired feet the tired mind the tired

soul.

oh to rest father,  i hear you.  the feel of

the bed beneath me beckons a call to rest not only my body, but my everything.  

when i say

"push melissa, just keep GOING" 

you say 

"rest melissa, just rest in me, i am enough".  

when i say 

"of course i'll be there, i don't have any other plans" 

you say 

"stop melissa, and sit at my feet".

the moment i give in to the silence inside of me i fear it, i fear the still quiet of your soul, father.  i say i want you so badly, but when it comes down to hanging out in the evening with your voice or going to hang out with my friends, i do not choose you.  not as i should.  not without severe hesitation and claiming the "valid excuse" of my need for sleep instead.  no, no i do not say "i just need to sit with god tonight" because that would be too honest, too blunt, wouldn't it?  no.  telling the truth is fine when it isn't about your need for him, all the time.  how i am never going to be enough. 

never.

without him.

i am empty and even void of the desire to give anything without his love filling every crevice in my bones.  to shoot out my fingers and ears and the tips of my hair and the very thoughts i think.  

i long to/he longs for me to 

soak in the soul of my creator, my love, my friend, my god.  the just one who showers me with grace i don't know how to give and lavishes attention on a starved heart, grasping for grass in the desert.   like a small child who can't make good decisions for herself i will choose to let him make mine.  he knows better.  he loves the world better.  he sees clearer.  i see with filters of busyness.  of too many activities, meant to fill my life with life but ends up taking it.  

because i have said yes one too many times.

and

so i will sit.i will soak.

i will say yes to you lord god, my one.

dance

if i

when i

let it go

flow

slo-mo

fancy-o 

tight and loose

hips and wrists and loving all the moves i didn't

know i had.  when i let go

stop caring what i look like compared to my friends

all the strangers around me making their bodies move to 

a beat i haven't chosen, don't enjoy.

stop thinking about who is watching me and start digging in to the music, responding to the moment, the freedom coursing with the sweat and the inhibition.

of this dance

this rhythm

where i make the rules, my knees make the dips and my back shows it's skillz.

yes.

i can't dance like some, but i can dance like me.

and i love it.

faith

("we have to have faith, even though it's hard

and easy for me to say"

-phil quirk g/chatting)

faith is one of the most complex issues i have ever dealt with.  in what other parameters of life are we asked to place our complete and blind trust in a being so divine we cannot even understand in it's entirety?  

none.

except faith.

and why?

why, god?

well, i have no idea.

love maybe, maybe that is what love is, showering unconditional faith over a situation we deem impossible, or dismal at best.  

that no matter the outcome, we have still trusted

loved

hoped for what we could not

would not

should not

see.

we have to have faith even though it's hard.

always.

show and tell

i will call this show and tell

you show me your heart and tell me your life

own the talent, the love, the soul of you

and therefore reflect the truth

of the father.

the way that you live is incredible.  my friends!  

so intricate, each and every one of us.

the way you see

what you see 

as ordinary, normal

astounds me.

you are a gift!

a palpable taste of god's pleasure in my heart, yours; in the people of the world.

laughter at

the zingers

facts

tidbits of life

shared in moments of moments

fill up my heart

and my living room.

and you are wonderful,

all of you.

as is he.

feet

tonight i stand

and walk

with hands on my head

and feet in slow motion.

towards you

your

body and

blood.

i walk and i watch the floor

the feet

surround me

and i follow the set

in front of me.

'melissa, do you hear me?

yes, i am listening.

melissa, you can't see in front of her feet.  you can only see them move, bit by bit.

and this is all i want you to do.  just follow my feet.  you don't have to see where they are going, but you know they are mine.'

and i felt enveloped in safety like i have not known in months.  i cannot see in front of your feet, jesus, but i will follow them to the ends of the earth.  hold me, i feel like a child.

violence

i am sick of myself, sick of opening and closing the same chapters of my life.  done with the endless questions i love to ask.  over making my thoughts the truth.  through with the emptiness that is the vanity of me.

i want something more, something that is the farthest thing from all of the rote.  this suffering must mean something, anything, full of nothing.  the price i pay is far less, so much less, than the idea of death daily.  step it up, filkins!  take it.  you beg for it, plead for mercy and grace and love and courage and the best he has to offer and nothing less.  so what are you willing to give for it?  where is that stalwart dedication, that piercing gratitude and rushing musher?  where is the strength when it comes to the grime, the shattered fog?  it's so easy

easy

to be christmas at halloween, it's unexpected and not quite right.  

but it is beautiful.  to mush the pristine beauty of a hem in the caked dirtvomit of the street.  of letting go when you want to hold on.  of choosing change, not waiting for it to happen.  the beauty in that, the gorgeousness: of the highest integrity.  let it be said of me, and not just when i am dead.  i am willing to give it all.  to die today, tomorrow, forever.  take my pride father, take the pain i am focused on and show me yours.

love me so thoroughly that i am left without words.    so that i may live love with 

violence

valor 

and the vision of a warrior. 

desperation

there is nothing

so

refreshing

as true

desperation.

for you

for truth

love

forgiveness

grace

peace

moving on

moving forward.

i am getting over this stuck

rut

place of similarity

of over

a 

year

over

a

lifetime

of

wrongness.

done shoving a square peg into

a round hole.  like a frustrated toddler with a difficult puzzle piece.  

i am giving the pieces back to you father.

the pieces of my puzzleheart.

i am 

i am

desperate for this breath of fresh breath that you have given me

i take it with joy!

home at myself, home at you, home at heaven's window.

your love, the greatest risk of all gave me this hope

anew.

an old.

love is coming.

i will wait for it.

you have made me to wait for it, created me for this struggle.  i pull in.

desperate.  loving your freshness, your life.  

love.

invisible

glass in my thumb.

obnoxiously invisible.

wondering wounded wishing someone would

notice.

mumbled, fumbled dropped.  a thing of perfection turned raw

cutting to the

quick!

invisible to everyone,

but we all see it

all feel it

invisible

pain.

zzle

rizzle.  it speaks!  the words leap off my tongue and onto the screen.

how i wish i could write "paper" instead.  this life is so different, this blogging.

rizzle.  the friend who asks for a prayer, the man who asks for a flash, the stranger who asks for bread.  and i give it.  in a different way than i imagined.  in honesty and vulnerability, which really go handinhand.

rizzle.  this moment will never be repeated.  i said it today as i have said a million times before it, well perhaps a couple hundred at least: i want to live without regrets.  not at work, not in love, not in physicality, not in giving in or standing strong.  i want to live.  LIVE!

rizzle.  this ghetto speak is as close to the neighborhoods i bike through daily, as close to them a i get.  disaster.  mostly i am busy warding a smile off my face, lest i let one slip and am turned on faster than i can pedallikenotomorrow.

but there is no tomorrow.  there really isn't.  i am only promised today.  my daily bread.  i take it, greedily and without doubt that it will fill me, at least in part.  before i can think of what else i want to spend my energy on, my focus.  to give.  what would my life look like if that were my only motivation? 

i am such a selfish girl.  so silly and careless with my loved ones, my strangers, my god.  

for rizzle.

jesus, but you, YOU, you love me anyway.  love this drizzle away.

brazen colors

life is in my face right now.

i am hyper-sensitive to it,

to it all

it seems.

the colors are brilliant

blatant

brazen

bold and bright

beautiful.

borderline 

bodacious.

conversations infused with life and meaning and things i never saw before.

understanding permeates sentences i have overlooked.

zingers shoot from the fingers of thoughts i hear in a tense i could not comprehend before,

before.

before the you of today shoved them in front of my eyes, up my nose and into my gaping mouth.

pleasant and disturbing all at once.

the love you have for me in every moment shows itself clearly at every opportunity. i can see.

i can see!

i see you!

i see something of what you see!

the life you promised.  the pain i have felt before, the beauty and the ugly intermingling to create this reality of a day.  every day.  but then i see something new.

and it

it

is 

you.

in a aqua hue i have never lived in,

until now.

let me grab it with 

the

vim

and

vigor

.

that i do with everything else.

some do not understand

the way my heart is made.  the way i am.

but then.

they do and i just have never let them say

my heart

say

what i am to them.

for my heart is blatent.

my heart is bold.

brazen and beautiful.

this heart you have crafted in me father?

it is

it is

is

the love

that 

you 

have 

for 

me.

aqua hues i have never seen, never lived.

i

love

living

you.

let it be so, and let it be so.

deny

to live a life that revolves around the 

don't

s

is to live a life void of the

breathtaking abundance

of 

god.

a kiss

grace in weakness, in everything.
faith that something
capable, all-knowing, a soul of infinite depth
has my soul
in their hands. intercedes on my behalf with groanings beyond utterance.

these are the things that i need. this is the way.


the greatest of these is love. faith, hope, and peace. the greatest. that is no suggestion, the statement that the best, the biggest, most permanent way to actually live is to love. to love beyond the call of desire. to love when i have nothing left to give, to open my soul so that the love of the father can flow through me to truly love god, others, myself. to love. period. like a kiss. a connection i know nothing about, but seems a promise, a desire to give. to take. to learn.

what is sacred anymore? what is left under the sun? nothing new.

honor thy father and mother. honor thy teacher, thy stranger, thy friend, thy lover. honor. respect and esteem one another.




the greatest of these is love. faith, hope and peace.
i pray for love.
i pray for faith.
i pray for hope.
i pray for peace.
i pray. prayer is the power of friendship and love between us, the communication i so often ignore. you are whispering to me in everything. sometimes shouting. i whisper back. or shout. but sometimes i do not listen. sometimes i do not see.
i will pray.
because he loves me.
he. loves. me.
jesus open my eyes, push me
in front of a bus
shove flowers under my nose,
wake me up!
i want to live in the world you are in. jesus, your love is the most wordless thing i have ever felt, it is indescribable. i want my love to be like you.without grounding or sensibility.without selfish desire to have it returned.you give without condition.bike gangs, jesus will you be in my bike gang?teach me to bike slower so that i can be with my friends, BE with my friends and strangers.i feel your heart in this father, the selfishness in my heart desires to be the fastest, to be the best.it kills love.KILLS it.father, let me be the slowest and let my pride die daily.i want to love you more.and them.

oh hope

hope oh hope where are you?
for all these years ,forever.
i have believed in you. in me.
but now i feel empty, despondent.
like the believing isn't worth it, a different thing hasn't happened.
this is NOT THE END OF MY LIFE.

not.



oh
hope.

i need you like rain on my upturned face. i need you like a walk.
i need you in everything i do, every moment i choose badly, or well.
hope? you are all i am ignoring, for you have come at the wrong time. from the wrong place. from a future that wouldn't work, i say. i refuse to believe you now. not that i cannot, but
won't.

my friend says i will learn from this, and i say i need to pay close attention. then i make that comment, the one i often do.
'yes well, i only have the one chance. this one life.'
and it is true. but how i hate saying it! trying to placate myself, make my hurt sound trite and trivial.
oh hope take me!
away from this bitterness and aged anger. take me to faith and trust and willingness to be hurt, yet again. to opening myself up to the possibility of a future different than the one i imagined when i never said i knew what my life would look like. but i lied. i had a plan, in the back of my heart. but i don't want it anymore, not the way i had it set. i want what you have for me god. if it is the same or if it is the opposite. oh lord even the very opposite! it hurts, but i give it. for i want you more. i cannot live without you. i do not understand you, i don't understand your love. i do trust you god.

i trust you.
i trust you!
i trust you.
and your hope.

amen.

over under all around

hello world.

i am over
under
all around
whelmed.

surrounded all at once, almost in an intentional effort to undermine me living a quiet life. to upset the balance of quiet and comfort and hovering on the verge of committing. to something. to love. to loving something, besides myself.

you are asking me to come early to work and wash the dishes by hand because the dishwasher is broken again for the thousandth time. and not complain, but have joy in my heart.
you are asking me to give of my time when i feel i have the smallest amount of it, when i want to hoard it the most.
asking me to love the way your heart beats so different from mine, but love the way you paid close attention in making mine as well.
pleading with my soul to listen to the message you sing to me all day long. the words without speaking. utter.a.sigh.of.anguish.
the movement in my body as i walk with defiance, you ask me to give it up. to give you my anger, to share it with you. you are complete to handle me.
the walls i put up when i am most afraid. afraid of letting fear make my decisions. you ask me to open my fist of anger, to empty myself of it. just stop building the wall, this foundation of sand. stop.
the digging i do when it is me that is hurting, the hurting i unload on others. i have no right, you ask me to grab hold of grace. for them, for myself.
the way you ask me. god? it is like asking the moon to move over a little so more stars can join in it's path of brilliance. listen to the lord god, foolish moon! he created you! he loves you! you cannot see the brilliance until you get out of the way! it is a breath, a whisper, a SHAKE, a laugh, a gesture, a breeze. it is like the hardest thing i have ever heard. love is painful. but love is the only way.

you are asking me. you.are.love.

july

as july comes
to a close
we
sit and stare
at the days we have
lost.

let slip by
into the empty promises
of
tomorrow.
oh july!
how i long for your return whilst
i am still in your
presence.

the way you have shown
me life, shown me patience.
to share the grace
of
your
stare
and your wit.

slip in the celebration of the everyday.
at the last
moment
possible i
notice!
this way has everything i could ever have. it is full
to the brink .
blink.
freakishly fantastic.

july?
will you show me again?
before next year?

why is it?

why is it...

that the worst happens at the best times?

that you notice the flowers on days it is convenient for you?

that this lifetime is always about endings and beginings and adjusting?

when you love and give and empty yourself of what you have to give, it is not enough to get what you think you want?

when you speak up, just honestly communicate with someone it is seen as brave and a rarity instead of a choice and put on a pedestal?

why do people kill people with their hands and with their words?
why do i let my stress get the better of me and snip at people when love says i should respond in grace, outside myself?
why is it ok to talk each other down from doing something right because it is hard?

why?

anniversaries

hello great big world and all sorts of people reading this. hello.
i am writing this today to let you know i have just figured something out: someday, one day, i will be my parents. yours too. i will be a parent whose child knows them as "mom", not "melissa", which will be very strange and wonderful and hard and fun and growing and demanding and new. mostly new. i wonder if you ever really get used to the reality of having people whose lives you have been entrusted with, whose well being and education are top priority, manners and knowledge of the world at large come from you? this responsibility is huge, the magnitude of which i cannot even grasp. to be given this gift, this job of raising a person to care about the state of their neighbors, the environment they live in, about the choices they make and how they affect everyone and everything around them. raising someone who grows and evolves and knows through and through that the person they are is just wonderful, that the gifts they have been given are like no one other person on this earth, that they can give of their talents and passions and change their areas of influence. that their voice will be heard if they want it to be, because they are yours. and you will do whatever it takes to see them succeed in life. whatever that means, whatever that looks like, but that they would embrace their soul. isn't that what it means to be a parent? to love? that i will be a parent and known as such will be very different. the role is unlike any other, and has unmatched challenges. you give and give and give for years and then maybe someday, when she is 22 she might think of me as "melissa" as well as "mom".

today is my parents, dave and brynda's, 36th wedding anniversary. it is an occasion marked with joy and peace and comfort and memories and thankfulness and hope. a day marked, that changes my mind just a little more about who they are every year. and i wonder, do my parents know how much i love them? how much i adore their selflessness? i mean i can tell them until i am blue in the face, but do they really know? the time that they gave me, the patience and love, an environment that wasn't protected from the harsh reality of life but was sheltered from the things they deemed unnecessary to our growth. they were right and wrong. they are people. just like me. enjoy your anniversary mom and dad, brynda and dave! i love you for being you, an older me.

particular

i'm not feeling particularly blog-gy right now, but i am feeling pretty sick of waiting. waiting for my life to change. i am not a wait-er. comprende? i am a do-er. typically there aren't many things i feel i actually am waiting on, because whatever happens i am not expecting, of if i am interested in making something happen i get the idea and then promptly DO it, you know? except this one thing. AGH! thus, my frustration lies in the pause button i feel someone has sat on and cannot hear me screaming at them to get OFF! seriously. i want to be more patient, god. i do.

make me, can you do that? no? damn. oh, that IS something i can do, eh? wait. got it. ok, well i guess i'll get on that then. thanks.

this reminds me of a funny situation in my youth (my closely removed youth, about 6 years ago). i had just gotten my first car, a stellar '88 toyota corolla that cost me $500 and i was sure was the best thing that could happen right then, especially considering it was a manual transmission. my dream come true! so what if it was maroon? i had wheels, man! anyway, one day the bottom seam on the passengers side headrest came free and i wanted it to be fixed. however, my favorite mode of correction was, at the time, my father's staple gun. it wasn't huge or anything fancy, but it seemd pretty durable and a quick solution to something that likely wouldn't ever be seen, and appealed to me the most. i like triggers and buttons, so sue me. i wanted to be a cashier for many years simply because of this reason. years. anyway, back on the trail here. so i walk inside and ask dad where his staple gun is. he asks why (which i hadn't prepared for, i forget he's brilliant and knows me well). i explain in my typical rushed way when i don't want him to try and think of a better, more comprehensive solution and just let me do what i want to do. he insists i show him before he'll let me use it. of course, he removes the headrest from the posts (oh, it comes off?) and takes it into the garage, simply shoves the seams back into the slot they fell out of and re-installs it in my car. *SIGH* it is at this point my mom and younger sister realize what has gone on and start to join in the amusment my father is gaining for the moment. oh, classic melissa! for several years after this, whenever i am about to do something impulsive and impatient, "staple the headrest!" is exclaimed and i rethink, amidst laughter and grins to appease my slight humiliation.

this story could have been shorter. but i was apparently really patient about typing it out for you to gain a deeper knowledge of me, my history and my present. what i am about, what i struggle with and what i love. or, maybe i just like typing on my keyboard. oh, buttons. *sigh* i will be patient if it kills me. i will. and i'll learn to love it, to listen to every little thing along the way.

trill and plink

oh the music. it makes me come alive to new

heights
shivers
joy
ows
freedom
thinking a thought i never knew
love at the sound
of
my
voice
with passion.


this beat. this creation inspires me to try my hand at meeting a new friend, opening a door for a stranger, wish i could play something. even if it is just my hands on the coffee table with the dog staring at my newfound talent. it makes me believe in myself. believe in enjoying life. believe it is not all pain and hardships. that it is beauty at its humanly possible best. the closest i can get to feeling the sound of god. the hand on my back, the chin on my head, the rest in my heart. rest. explode! dream again! live a day you want, a day to give and love and give and love. live this music. dance in your seat at the coffee shop with your headphones on. i only live once here and i want it to be my best, my fullest. as hard and as beautiful as it all is. and i know but a piece. the trill and plink of the keys on my heart.

i know

i know there will be pain in my life
i have known pain.

i know that You love me, and your love is stronger than anything i have ever known.

i know that you have purpose and plans for my passion. that you put them in me.

i know this will be hard.

i know you will never leave me and i could never live fully without you in my life. for what kind of life is death without reason? with out love?



you are. i know this.

oh, mr. penn

"true godliness does not turn men out of the world, but enables them to live better in it and excites their endeavors to mend it." -william penn

2/24/08

to be nobody. this is the
way i want to be shown.
the life of nobody. to
influence those who are
myself. like my heart. like
my selfishness, my shame
anger and emptiness. to
give to those who take.
to take from those who
give. to play the victim,
the martyr. the young
one who is taken advantage
of. HOLY FATHER!

let me give and love and
give and love and give and
love endlessly. father
let me empty myself of
all that is not you.
let me be good to the
ones you made me for.
all your children. who do
not realize what they do.
whose they are.

2/17/08

you see us coming from a
mile away

do you see us coming
father?

way off on the horizon
you perceive our
whisper of a thought
begining.

you see us coming
father?

miles and miles
away.
and miles

before we left.

moment

..."i have no idea how to express my care and concern for him except to be praying for him and of course, talk with him whenever he is up for it. i don't think i'll get an opportunity to do that until later this month and i am not sure what will happen then. and i've been telling god i don't even want to know, really. all i want to know is what he wants me to do right now, here, in this day, moment by moment in my doubt and faith, pain and joy, love and confusion. what he wants my response to be, my heart to be. HIS, i know that without question. he has created me to shine for this moment, this situation. all i have to do is let go of my expectations and grab hold of me in my purest form, for He is in that through and through. "

dreamland

last night i didn't sleep well. i tried reading before i went to bed, thinking that surely i was tired and i would begin to nod off sooner or later. come 1:37am and i am still wide awake, so i turn off the light and lie there in the semi-darkness that is my bedroom mere blocks from i-35 and a shopping center.
it is surprisingly quiet.
except for that pesky (not to mention seemingly invisible) branch squeaking periodically on the window pane behind my head. i start on my back, then turn on my left side. i know it might be somewhat tedious to explain all these slight nuances, but it is necessary for the obvious reasons: i am doing everything i normally do to induce sleep but instead get an unpleasant, atypical response. when i turn on my back again i start to pray. for all the people that come to the forefront of my mind. i empty myself of all thoughts i deem to be bothersome or complicated and therefore "keeper uppers". i turn to my right side, still praying and too hot, but knowing that if i turn my covers down too far my arms will get cold. *sigh*. i drift off, finally success!

only to be taunted of all too real and, once alertness strikes again, all too forgettable: dreams. vivid interactions so present i can hear myself laugh or talk out loud sometimes, in response to the situation going on in dreamland. unbelievable! why will rest evade me? i am tired! i say. i need to put away these dreams of the future, of a hope i long for. they are not mine. not now. to covet them is to hold something captive that i cannot live, not now and perhaps never. i give up the present for a mockery of a future. i love my life now! i say. to attempt to live in my dreams never works out. i never get what i need. i need to rest in the love of my father god, his comfort in the middle of confusion, i need to rest in the plans i trust in when i am awake. i need my dreams to listen to god too.

life always gives me something i am not expecting. i say that about a lot of things. a lot. where do i get these expectations from? honestly, where did i really decide that my life should be X+Y=Z? i think it's time to change some of my alphabet. with the alpha and omega. and take THAT to dreamland. HA!
(i hope this works. and i mean that in the most conventional of ways i.e. more rest, as well as the idea that i will rid my life of expectations that attempt to take over my future. for i only have today, right now. i love you, i love living.)

control

yesterday i was nervous. really nervous, for most of the day. i was going to a party where there were going to be lots of people (at least 50) and i only knew 2 of them. for all of my gusto and bravery, social awkwardness strikes me at times. lots of times. all these thoughts swirling around in my head:
what if they think i'm snobby?
what if no one has anything to say to me in conversations?
what if i'm the only non-drinking/drunk person there?
what should i wear?
should i take cider or not?
what if i do something stupid?
what if i have one of those moments where i say something i wanted to, but it isn't appropriate or kind?

WHAT IF...?


sick of the racetrack in my head with the same irritating mantra, at the end of my shower i decided to pray. there are many times my prayers are harsh harassments and self-criticisms. i'm not really sure if that is a prayer, but it never seems to help me. it never changes my heart, which is the root of the matter. so this time i prayed as if god saw all those bad things about me already and i didn't have to discipline myself before he would hear me. and he heard me. oh MAN did he hear me! he gave me his heart, his love for me and all the things he has ALREADY given me that i refuse to grab onto, the gifts he gives knowing it is the best thing for me and what i need, TRULY. so i listened to his comfort and grace and love and took it all in, and am still. why don't i keep these awesome lessons? why do i choose to hold onto them when they are DESPERATELY convenient, but then let go and go back into frantic mode after the "crisis" has passed? NO. i will not do it again. i want to choose love and love means not going back on your promises. when i choose to take something from god, it is forever. PERIOD. so he told me that whenever i try to control the outcome, i am not present and forget who he made me to be. i loose the opportunity to fully live in that situation. that to manipulate myself and others in the process, i create an artificially "safe" alternative outcome that is void of our truest selves. i cannot create myself, i am already melissa joy filkins, the one he made. i can only embrace the nuances and live my potential in every situation. i can only be me. when i let go of trying to be someone i think will work better than me THEN i can really make a difference. THAT is where the power is. so, i took the power and the peace and walked it out. i don't even have to tell you how the party went. but it was great.
= 0 )

i wore what i wanted to wear, like i always do
i took cider and had one
i had some amazing conversations with really insightful people
i was myself. and i loved it. me.

fickle

once again i am brought to my knees with how fickle my heart is. it is totally unreliable when it comes to making decisions based off feelings rather than listening to god. i know he speaks through my heart often, and i am not to ignore those nudges of grace and love, but i so often do, and push ahead with my own ambitions. i am an ambitious person, i will always go after what i want. i am sure you know this. =0) but i also want to SCREAM at myself sometimes to WAIT ON THE LORD in whatever fashion that means at the moment i am tempted to give into what i think i want and deserve so badly, even if it means making a mistake. i i i i i i i...it's all about me.

so that brings me back to the realization that i know even less than i had hoped and want jesus even more than i can know for i am IN want, i want everything HE has for me. nothing less. nothing! my heart is fickle and my legs weak to run the race. but if i seek him out before i even begin, and at every water stop along the way, every moment of hesitation, he will be faithful in guiding me to just the right spot. where there are quiet streams and he has my heart in his heart and i am safe. and known. and loved. and held up above the raging storms around me. surrounded in the middle of his love.

lent

last night at mosaic they mentioned how lent is coming up on wednesday and then explained the meaning behind the tradition of giving something up for the 40 day duration before easter. typically i give up television, however i hate television. the point is to identify with jesus' suffering before his crucifixion and during, and it doesn't hurt at all to give up something you already dislike. so, i decided this year that it would pretty much punch me in the gut to give up facebook, texting and myspace. *sharp intake of breath* here i go. goodbye, vice! i may or may not return after easter. perhaps i lean on this need for people more than i lean on my need, my starvation, for god. i want to live a life of love. i want to do it without the internets and texting for 40 days. i will do it. this morning i received an e-mail from my dad, the man i love the most in the world:

Good morning Vanessa, Melissa and Allison,

Yesterday we received a gift and I want to share the occasion with you.

Friday morning we woke up to about seven inches of new snowfall on the ground, and snow was still falling. Of course, that meant I had a lot of shoveling to do so once the snow had nearly stopped I got started at about 9:30. It was quite deep at the end of the driveway. Of course the driveway at Ray & Mary's, across the street, was just like ours. I didn't want to see Ray getting stuck at the end of his driveway, so even though my back was aching, I decided to shovel out the end of their driveway. Then I thought I'd shovel a little more, then a little more, until I decided I might as well shovel the whole thing.

In the afternoon when my student (*my parents are reading tutors out of their home in mi*) Lucas Mathie arrived, his mother Cheryl commented that Lucas had said he liked how I always have the sidewalk cleaned off, right down to the cement. Your mother mentioned that I had also shoveled the driveway of the 80-some year old couple across the street. Cheryl mentioned they have a long driveway and she can never figure out how to get the snow blower running so she just hopes it will melt soon (her husband had a snowmobile accident a couple of years ago and lives with constant pain and only partial use of his left arm). I told her I had looked for a used snow blower but couldn't find one, so if she ever decided to sell it, please let me know.

Cheryl always sits in on Lucas's lesson. After about 5 minutes she excused herself and said she had to talk to Lucas and took him out of the room for a minute. He came back in and said his mom had to go out for a few minutes but she'd be back. Because she has never done that before; I thought it was a little strange. She didn't get back until about 5 minutes before we were done. After they left I filled in information in Lucas's folder regarding what we had covered and then the doorbell rang. It was Lucas and his mom. They stood there with a card and a gift - a new snow blower! It's not as big as our old John Deere; it's like the one our neighbor used to help Melissa and I cleaned Ray & Mary's driveway after Christmas, and it will save a lot of back aches. Can you believe that? She had gone to TSC and bought the snow blower and a card at Walmart. Here's what it says in the card:

In this busy world
where the hours
are so precious,
it really means a lot
when special people like you
take the time
to help others.

Thank You
So Much

Then Cheryl wrote: You are the answer to so many families prayers. Thank you for being Lucas' and so many other children's angels. Sincerely, The Mathie's

As I lay in bed thinking about it this morning, it reminded me of the many ways God met needs in our life when I was out of work or hardly making enough money to make ends meet. Do you remember those times - a huge check sent anonymously in the mail, money in an envelope taped to our front door, bags of gifts and food at the front door and on the hood of our car at EHBC, a Christmas tree at our door in New Woodstock when we returned from Michigan, the Wertheimer's letting us use their house in the Springs, the Singleton's taking us into their home when we had to leave the Wertheimer's, Dave & LuAnn McCasland renting us their home on a handshake and faith, the Paris's giving us the use of their home, the Brookins' giving us the use of their home, Aunt Tiny & Luther letting us use their home, etc. Aren't these all great examples of our Big God caring for little us?

It's good for us to remember what God has done in the past, to help us have faith that He will continue to be at work in our life as long as we put our faith and trust in Him.

Love,

Dad

the outside of the card's text made me cry. i cry about twice a year. oh lord, let me be like my fathers! i welcome this lent with an open heart.

love you all,
mj

to contact me about anything (ideas for world peace, outfit coordination, radical love, etc.,) call me or e.mail gorgeousfil@gmail.com, i'd love to talk with you.