tearing

the tearing of my heart

goes whoosh

as all my air is taken and briefly I forget to do even the most basic

breathing

during this moment of realization crashing upon realization. 

seeing reality, isn't that the definition?

it hits me and I am deflated momentarily, 

frozen in fear of the pain I am about to experience. the inevitable sucking of life's beauty in sparkle and brightness and cheer. I know it will come back, I am not afraid of that; it's just that the valley always seems

so

much

deeper

than the last time I was here

when it comes to loosing love. 

for my heart can withstand this, it's not fear of never regaining love in my life, it is the grief of loosing this particular love, that 

cripples 

the sobs emitting from my mouth

muting the words I try so gallantly to 

sing with as I process. 

the tears running down my face

remind me of you again as I watched you cry them earlier and I think

even that will not happen again. 

one small death, one small goodbye, over and over again. 

until there are no more. and eventually 

the valley is not all I walk in

but there are trees and sunshine and I can remember the beauty in you and in us

without having to wring in my breath and submit to the darkness again. 

because the love I lost with you

was once and not now. 

the whoosh turns out to be time moving again. 

and so I go 

forward. 

face it

this fear that you have let

make the calls

and the decisions too

shows up finally on your doorstep

asking if this is all you wanted. 

face it now, you've stolen time long enough

and it's just time, all made up.

tell me and the fear what 

you know deep inside 

can't live so planted over anymore.

show us how much truth you want to live

dug up

for the sun to shine.

this news isn't new but it's freshly cultivated and solid

because you know this is your heart

finally

that even though the person is wonderful

he wants

not 

what you want. 

and you go forward 

into that bright light

by way of the valley

steps sodden in occasional tears

but full of certainty and wonder

at your own strength in 

letting go

to

hold on. 

face it, you're just on the doorstep.

clichés in movement

preparation to encourage

living a day to day focused only on what

sincerely matters to my path. 

feels right, fluffs the freedom under my wings

again

and I know it is good what I'm wanting 

good what I'm choosing to follow

and that this big voice in me

will weed out all the small distractions

deigning to hold me back

by their grasp

of ownership. 

I lead, in act ll, with an opening scene of 

less

to

beget

more.

the windows in my soul smile so hard

it spreads to my face and my hands and my work and all the words that flow forth. 

because moving towards this future creates room for parts of me now that I otherwise would be stranger to.

for this and all new challenges I am grateful. 

deep breath now, live in the gifts.

hope to the rafters!*

*less than 14' by regulation

the same

i don't know but sometimes

it all feels the same. 

game to me and by others 

and aren't we all just in our own

heads?

this life ain't gonna slow down

fo

no one

and i brought my best smile

the rest I'll file

under "SPOKEN"

my peace

in these sheets

just doesn't get any more honest

but i guess

these days are bound to happen

only if i happen to

choose

what my future self 

told me

sold me

in the dream that lives right along side my 

other motions and tells me

'get it right, give it all'

because you only have today and

anyone else is

just lying. 

find inside to live fully

your dreams can happen

if you just get up to them. 

wake up to this day

and stand up for what you want

in this middle place

time you stop feelin

the 

same. 

floating backwards

as we tangle
the cords and our
words over the

bright air
poignant and heavy with the brokenness we all
share
too dark to keep hidden in the corners of our
hearts anymore.
we listen and
listen inward
speak and
speak out.
bravely sobbing on the other end
in this for different reasons
and wanting it to go forward for the same
love
and how do you find
you want the person who wants the same things as your heart?
is the dream real?
how do people compromise so much for love?
risks in the night and stepping right down into fear so vivid your
whole being feels like it is
floating backwards
into
it.

and you survive the emotion.
the compass finally stops swinging
and your pendulum
lands
ah!
this way to clarity!
maybe you don't have the answers yet
on what is just right
or what you will regret
the least
or
decide not to miss out on and
CARPE DIEM
but
maybe
oh maybe
you can twist these cords some more with this one
and find out if the one is yours
or his
or the future's.

conversations into the wires of air.

believer

you believed in me
when
i
couldn't
wouldn't

didn't

believe in myself.


the way your heart reaches out to caress mine
with encouragement
in the
form
of incredulity,
the way your voice goes
high
at the end of
your exclamations!
of sincerity in
The Truth About Who You Are, Melissa.

as you tell me my story,
the lens
focused
and
practiced
in your steady hands,
i feel treasured.
you see me.  the me
i didn't even tell you
the me i just am
and think i so cleverly
hide
from prying spotlights and
agendas out to tear me down.
you see right through the barricade
of
thorns
and
roses
and sparklers!
and puppies
all in motion and beauty
(look over here! over here!)

to the
quiet
of me
that you have seen since you first laid eyes on me
and i
can't
won't

don't

want to do it without you.

join me in my truth, dear love.
i see you back.

forever

"i'm sorry we don't have forever..."

floats in the background of tears filling the eyes of anyone

watching the father dying and the daughter living until

she starts to die.

nothing is permanent.
we take what we
have
and
hold
for granted as it is.

the forever we live in only
feels
endless
because it hasn't ended

habit or consistency, the pulsing of life in the everyday.

rarely is the flower both dead and alive
how the sun does shine
on the living and the dead.

it is your breath.
you choose.

curl into me.

as the smoke hurries upward

what was once a steady flame

begins its end. 

going so quickly it rolls onto and into

itself

transforming the nothing into an

exceptional display of motion and play with light and dark visible

when otherwise this would go unnoticed. 

flickering in the light already lit

this darkness

full of intrigue and wonder

pushing the air out of its way

to display it's spectacular

finish.

fireworks in the daytime, the moment gone nearly as abruptly as it came.

swiftly, 

we all go. 

and to remember that the end can be as significant as the duration of the light. 

the giving and the receiving, 

hurriedly pushing upwards.