Ass

We breathe
As He breathes
The ass on the road with this heavy load
One he did not expect. 
Thinking grass and leisure were his lot
Instead besot
With a rider, nay two, and journey with no telling when he would be stopped. 
Arriving was as anti-climatic as could be, for though the load diminished, the burden still he couldn't shake. These others he did not know, their smells unfamiliar and unwelcoming. He just wanted to go home, even if he had to go all the way back, with all the stoping and starting and gasps and concern. This was not his place, this was not his night and certainly not his grass. 

But then the noises ceased and a new one started. He couldn't tell what that baby wanted, but it wasn't feeling too fond of the straw, the ass knew that. Maybe if they put it somewhere more comfortable. You know, like, not in my manger, maybe if you held it he would stop hollering. 

Then the noise got worse instead of better!  For though the baby quieted down, the others started arriving. First the innkeeper, telling them to keep it down out there and not disturb all the paying guests, for heavens sake. Then these sheep herders, and MAN did they reek!  Brought some of their livestock with em and they weren't friendly either. Bleating and messing up the place even worse!  The people seemed happy to receive them though, after the herders told them what they'd seen. Whatever the reason, I wish they'd quiet down about it, the ass mumbles to himself. Come back tomorrow, I'm SURE we'll still be here. 

And then. Oh no then that was not even the end.  More men came. Now these, they smelled ok, like travel, but at least they had tried to cover it up with extravagant perfumes. Oh wait no, they left them here. Odd. Ok well at least they only insisted upon staying the one night, lord knows there wasn't enough room for them all.  

Ahh.  Peace and quiet now. Maybe I can finally drift off....nope. There goes that baby again. Man for being so tiny you'd think he wouldn't be so loud. Feed that baby, mamma. And please don't put him back in my manger. I might as well eat too now that I'm awake. His breathing rhythms and mine does too. The ass on Christmas morning. 

When you never let go

Once upon a time you thought you were the most honest, the bigger (wo)man
And so you went ahead with what you felt obligated to do, out of integrity.
Then you saw everything you had dealt with silently for years come crashing down into your face.
You felt horrible, you felt low; felt downright regretful for the first time in your life.

But what can you do when once upon a time is gone by and some of the things you said were true? And the only thing you regret about saying it is that you didn't say enough? Or in the right way? What if what you want is still of honesty, integrity, but the only way to get it is to go back into the future and go deeper? In order to go farther. Or at least walk alongside each other on the highway, across the double yellow line? Respecting but not expecting. Is that possible?

Once upon a time you made a decision.
The great thing about this life is that you can always make a different decision next time.
The great thing and the worst.
Oh what should I choose now?

body together

His body
broken for me
His body.

The place we are all
in together. His body
broken for me
We
are all
broken
together.

If

If we could see you then, after the mist
Has dissipated and you are revealed for what you don't present
If we could
We would be blown
Into the next
Phase of ourselves in which we are more like that
And less like dirt.
But you made us from this
And we show it.

If we could pretend that the sky was where you are
And heaven is a place
Then
Then we could see ourselves there.
As it is, trickiness shrouds the possibility
Nay
Certainty that you surround us always everywhere
To praise your name eternally need not be for someday, when we have no other interests that tug on our souls.
It should be for today.
If
If we could see you.

Live so small

Oh we live so small
To see the face you bring
Ring
Show the bell who's boss.
Oh we love so small
He left the coins
With me in charge and what
What will he come back to see
Created in his name!

This is the shame of our name
For he left us with his and we shrouded it
In a bag set in the dark, dusty corner waiting
Waiting for his safe return.
To show off
Our tiny love.
We have kept it hidden so well so secure
That he cannot even tell it is his.

Lord.
Let us love bigger than the Small. Legs and arms and messy hair filled up with the abundance of Grace we cannot
Hold.
Love so big to live inside of.

Too high a price

With the sun in my eyes
And on my cheeks
The music clutching my soul and tapping my hands
I realize
Suddenly
That I pay to high a price for this frown I wear
It is I who strains to be unhappy
I who forces the muscles
Down

When they don't have to work nearly as hard simply to let loose
And lose this grimace
For no reason at all.
Except that the world is hard.

And I am letting it harden me.
No!
For I pay too high a price
When I let my joy be stolen by the million other sadnesses or callouses or seriousness or carefulnesses
Of this place.

It's not my home
And I won't pay the
Tax

Fly on the wheel fingers, fly up and flit to the beat.
Let them revel in the sun and feel the mouth float up too
To
See You.

Alive

None of us get out of here
Alive

No none. But faith
Created in our hearts in our mouths
Shows us the beauty in
Death and suffering. Faith.

Give us this daily bread.

Grains

Like standing on the sand in the moonlight
Looking up
At the twinklings we can
Assume
Are stars. Created
So we can look
Up
At them
Or

So they can look down
On us
And see us twinkle in
Response.

Do not be so gentle

immovable you
you
make the
land. land
on me
with such force
god I am begging
do not be so gentle.
bring your voice
over my life.
immovable you
you
make the
freedom.
to
turn
my
head.

now
let. us all as one
sit closer next to
the emptiness
surrounding the
chairs that have no
hope of ever
being introduced to
a friendly loving
hand.
that leads to a
face
as immovable as yours.

it is found!

when you've looked everywhere
high and lo
inside and
out.  in the pocket of your favorite
jeans and in the book you
read last week.

with puzzled expressions
and nervous mouth twitches
serious pondering and
exasperated foot stomping.
every nook and cranny
and even your granny
has impatiently lifted her
left elbow for you to
peer underneath and
see that it is not there.
it is not anywhere.

but in your heart.
what you lost can be found.
just stop frantically searching
and pause.
to seek the Master's heart.
He'll lend an ear and
you will too.  "Find Me."

the depths

row
and grow
miles and miles beneath the sea
and just when you think
you're dead
BOOM
it hits your flank with an
inspiration none too kind.
this life!
you better wake up
sit up
swim up
and take it.
and live.
because you only sink
when you're still
breathing.

prayer

father god, let us come before you with hearts open wide.  wide with hope. wide in awe, wide like the crevices we are without your love to give us life.

lord bring our ears to hear you, our mouths to praise your name and our hands to serve the world.  thank you for your presence with us wherever we go, whatever we think, whoever we're with.  god, may we live true to the souls you created in each one of us, fashioned after a part of you.

open our dreams to the wasteland and let us not stop at the ordinary.  we love the unusual nature of your heart and the way you ask us to love.  in our fear may we draw even closer to you, trusting your hand.

this is the time to listen, we want no other cloud above us.  in jesus' name, amen.

i have a secret

i have a secret
and this is how is goes:
i am terrified of falling in love.
most everyone i know has done it at some point or are in it's throes as we speak
most everyone i love has loved me back
most everyone i know is scared of something
but i think i
i am the most cowardly.
for who is scared of
love?

the courage of a lion
the heart of a warrior
the eyes of a doe
the adventuresomeness of a porcupine.
that sums me up.
up
up and into this fairy tale
that floats into neverneverland where i can be safe forever and never
have to be a grown up or love to the depths and beyond.
risk giving myself over to another human being just as flawed as myself.

no no no, says me.
i would much prefer to crouch
behind those bushes over there, you see
and watch
most everyone else
fall in love.
that's good enough for me.

wait, what?  you say that's a double standard?
oh that's ok, i'm not afraid of those.
*sigh*
ok fine, i am.
nevermind the whole thing.
see, this is why i never tell you secrets.

jerks like a knee

this pain jerks me awake

so cruel, like a joke that's not kidding.

no warning, no permission granted, but it sears just the same.

my head throbs and my nerves squeal

relent!

uncle!

cease and desist!

i give uuuuuuuup.

i can't handle this, god!

is what i yell through the most honest, unstoppable tears i have dropped in years.

the flood comes, night after painful night, when i haven't even wanted it, worked for it, sought it out.

this water falling from my eyes belies a heart fresh in healing from pain just as severe.

a root canal can fix only one of these things, and that is unfortunate

but bliss in the end.

because if i could, go to the doctor, and have him fix everything wrong with me

and get a prescription to kill this, numb it, i wouldn't. no, because he can only know so much, you see

and i need to know all

of me

before i can fix it.

even then

i can really only hold it together with band-aids and wishes

that god will hold me tight in the palm of his soul and protect me when the wave threatens again

in the middle of the night

this pain

i didn't ask for, but have and can't make go away.

if only a root canal could fix that.

peanut butter and jelly

eat
eat eat
this peanut butter and jelly sandwich
and make sure i have milk on hand, and cut the bread into triangles.
because sometimes
when everything else is going around you
going so hard
you just want
to be a kid again.
and jump on the little trampoline in your basement and frolic through the swamp behind your house
and know that when you wake up crying in the middle of the night from a nightmare
your dad will come in and pray for you and everything will be ok again.
and you can wear pj's until 11am if your mom lets you.
and there is none of this mad, mad world making you sad and angry and at a loss as how to help.
is this how we make a difference?
sometimes the best you can give is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
is a memory
of times when you knew life and love went together just so.
let this be so, god, let me hold your hand.
ahhhh.
thanks.

of singleness and debt

without all the frivolities
the worries or cares
we could sit and ponder the moon and it's many meanings
if i was part of a we
then
it would be more than just me.

but as it is
i drive
and glance over my shoulder with frequency
for the moon casts no shadow
but sits in it's solitary brightness
waiting
to hold another's hand.

visit

it is as if i have left
never
to return
for a very serious face has turned mine
that says i cannot live like this any longer.
i was created for something less than a lie.
something only the truth can bare.
always the truth was there before the lie, only listen.
as promiscuous as the time has become
there is a place for me in the erie silence of
breathtaking trust.
for when i do less
i do less.
and when i do less
he does more.