riot

take me away

i can't take this anymore.

you make me

[no, i give you the right]

detest this thing i have become.

a monster, the bad guy, the one you thought had your back.

not anymore.

i am tired

of watching 

my soul

die.

a sad thing

i let you go

let down

the time i should have held on.

you are precious, to be treasured and known

instead i let you fend for yourself.

never again.

these eyes

are new.

freezing

the excitement must

has

taken over my life.

it is not only the day, but the night.

not the week, but the month, the year.

i seek to run away with it, every opportunity is taken to enjoy

to delve

into this moment.

watch boys flipping their bodies off walls, upsidedown and all around

slack jawed and enthralled.

they have taken the excitement

seized their joy for life, or their boredom of the everyday, the rote

and flung it into a new thing, a facet of themselves.

one they didn't know existed.  

yes, 

me too.

sitting in the quiet in my head

you see me

sitting here at the table

wishing to be with you, with everyone

at the same i wish to be inside my head.

plugged into my headphones 

plugged into my computer 

plugged into the wall 

plugged up, 

locked up.

stolen away with technology but starving for others, companionship.

even if we don't talk

and we sit across from each other for 4 hours and we never exchange names.

community it is, truly it's not.

i see you sitting there, do you see me?

the quiet in my head is almost right.

almost.

day two

twirling with delight

at the wonder of movement.

the freedom escapes our fingers and ankles and heads thrown back in joy, utterly at peace with ourselves.

how can we all be such strangers together?

where is the harsh unfamiliarity of the everyday, the everyman?  gone. outside.  where there is no

dancing.

day one.2

schwip

grind

sching!

squeeeeak

pop!

gush

jingle

and through the doorway arrives a surprise!  what will she say?

day one

you promised me the muffin

i really wanted it, but tried not to show.

if i hold back, you can be objective, and my feelings won't cloud your decision.

but i want to taste that muffin.  so bad i can feel the first moist top on my lip already

hoping i will choose butter over margarine.  the good stuff, the best.

you promised.  will you take it back now?  when i have waited and not begged and been 

patient?

will you?

what?

a muffin for me?

i have no idea what to do, what to say.  thank you for your promise.

numbers game

1 idea i just had

+

7 days of writing anything and everything that comes to mind or inspires

= more writing than i do now.  more thinking.  flow, so go!

karaoke and the joys of public humiliation

for sure, i'll do it!

get up there and sing my heart out

or at least my guts

show them that i am just as willing as the next guy to

blow it

in front of utter strangers

and love it

because this is what living is about.

not being the best

prettiest

most talented or adored

but truly living in the moments you have.

"be here now" my friend rohni says, she says it a lot

to remind me

that if i am not here

i am there

and everywhere

gone

into the distance

that is my daydreams and not with

by 

for

into

the people and life i have now.

show up, never let anyone shut you up, but listen: be here now.

oh, and belt "goodbye earl" with your friend dearing on stage.  lo/li/ve it!

quiver

"keep your chin up, but don't mind 

if your lip quivers."

(-carmen petrick, e-mail) 

the only thing about joblessness is the quivering, really.  it's not so bad, but for the uncertainty of a paycheck.  this mention from carmen (quoted) was perhaps one of the most astounding things i have read this week.  it hit me like a small child crying for attention.  you want to pay some mind to it, to assure them they are indeed cared for and uniquely important to you, however you do not want to jump too fast, thus encouraging the behavior.  

some of the things i say are like a foreign language.

in the attempt to keep my chin up, i know that it's quivering can be seen.  shockingly enough those who notice have only words of comfort and support for me.  it is a safe place to quiver, a safe bunch to walk with.  even though we all hurt each other as people do, unconditional love covers over these pains with immaculate love that is not from us, but from the father.  he is beyond capable, he is more than i can imagine.  oh love, oh lord, you have lifted me above these rising storms with your people, your love, your intimacies for my heart.  help me not to look down, but keep my quivering chin up towards your face.  oh.

this is

this is the day

this is the day

that the lord has made

i will rejoice

i will rejoice 

and be glad in it!

(song based off psalm 118:24)

 

today i was laid off.  and so it is, i cry and i rejoice for god is with me always.