desperation

there is nothing

so

refreshing

as true

desperation.

for you

for truth

love

forgiveness

grace

peace

moving on

moving forward.

i am getting over this stuck

rut

place of similarity

of over

a 

year

over

a

lifetime

of

wrongness.

done shoving a square peg into

a round hole.  like a frustrated toddler with a difficult puzzle piece.  

i am giving the pieces back to you father.

the pieces of my puzzleheart.

i am 

i am

desperate for this breath of fresh breath that you have given me

i take it with joy!

home at myself, home at you, home at heaven's window.

your love, the greatest risk of all gave me this hope

anew.

an old.

love is coming.

i will wait for it.

you have made me to wait for it, created me for this struggle.  i pull in.

desperate.  loving your freshness, your life.  

love.

invisible

glass in my thumb.

obnoxiously invisible.

wondering wounded wishing someone would

notice.

mumbled, fumbled dropped.  a thing of perfection turned raw

cutting to the

quick!

invisible to everyone,

but we all see it

all feel it

invisible

pain.

zzle

rizzle.  it speaks!  the words leap off my tongue and onto the screen.

how i wish i could write "paper" instead.  this life is so different, this blogging.

rizzle.  the friend who asks for a prayer, the man who asks for a flash, the stranger who asks for bread.  and i give it.  in a different way than i imagined.  in honesty and vulnerability, which really go handinhand.

rizzle.  this moment will never be repeated.  i said it today as i have said a million times before it, well perhaps a couple hundred at least: i want to live without regrets.  not at work, not in love, not in physicality, not in giving in or standing strong.  i want to live.  LIVE!

rizzle.  this ghetto speak is as close to the neighborhoods i bike through daily, as close to them a i get.  disaster.  mostly i am busy warding a smile off my face, lest i let one slip and am turned on faster than i can pedallikenotomorrow.

but there is no tomorrow.  there really isn't.  i am only promised today.  my daily bread.  i take it, greedily and without doubt that it will fill me, at least in part.  before i can think of what else i want to spend my energy on, my focus.  to give.  what would my life look like if that were my only motivation? 

i am such a selfish girl.  so silly and careless with my loved ones, my strangers, my god.  

for rizzle.

jesus, but you, YOU, you love me anyway.  love this drizzle away.

brazen colors

life is in my face right now.

i am hyper-sensitive to it,

to it all

it seems.

the colors are brilliant

blatant

brazen

bold and bright

beautiful.

borderline 

bodacious.

conversations infused with life and meaning and things i never saw before.

understanding permeates sentences i have overlooked.

zingers shoot from the fingers of thoughts i hear in a tense i could not comprehend before,

before.

before the you of today shoved them in front of my eyes, up my nose and into my gaping mouth.

pleasant and disturbing all at once.

the love you have for me in every moment shows itself clearly at every opportunity. i can see.

i can see!

i see you!

i see something of what you see!

the life you promised.  the pain i have felt before, the beauty and the ugly intermingling to create this reality of a day.  every day.  but then i see something new.

and it

it

is 

you.

in a aqua hue i have never lived in,

until now.

let me grab it with 

the

vim

and

vigor

.

that i do with everything else.

some do not understand

the way my heart is made.  the way i am.

but then.

they do and i just have never let them say

my heart

say

what i am to them.

for my heart is blatent.

my heart is bold.

brazen and beautiful.

this heart you have crafted in me father?

it is

it is

is

the love

that 

you 

have 

for 

me.

aqua hues i have never seen, never lived.

i

love

living

you.

let it be so, and let it be so.