three strands

we are easily broken
weaving and washing
three rivers flowing in and out of this ocean we are
one continent to the next
managing to hold tight stretched
across and below
the waters of
one another.

dragging in and pulling towards the center always
as we each go our own
way
of the fool
trying to thrive
and survive the battles we siege
but this fortress within
these ties that we've bound
hold.

and these sisterstrands
belong.
love, above and below.  these waters we are.

fanciful tones

sometimes i want to linger
mingle
stay
in these moments that pass
that are thrown
my way.
they frolic and flit like a fairy right through
my scene
and i jump for them
dive for them
grasp through the pinch
that i may be able to hold
on.

but they fly
and i scream
and we part
and i pass
and it makes for a terrible dream
in the day
in the night
in the fog where it's bright
and you can't see what's ahead or behind

just now.  for the tragedy isn't the leaving, but staying

the only part harder than pain is the sadness
that will cling
if i stay,
do not move.
for these moments i'm in will
not leave me no never
but it is i

yes oh i
must move on to be with them
as they surround.

every side.
i am full
i am in it
this moment is mine and will
always

be.

in your head

because you are so right

about being

right

all the time

and it 

hurts to say

otherwise.

i hear you standing

shaking

with righteous indignation

and it makes

the fury inside

of my heart

tornado.

powerful 

but not for good

only destroys my

spirit

which is different than my soul.

thanks be to god.

spirit can be built back up

but soul can be stolen

and while i may have let you

get in before,

i will not now.  never again

because i can see your heart's intent

and it isn't what comes across

and you are scared and hurt just like all of us

but you are letting that do the talking

walking

decision making

twisting my words

plans

spinning them round to always be upright 

when they hadn't even existed.

before you created them

in your head.

and i won't stand for this anymore

i won't take it sitting down

because this tornado in my heart has seen

it's last.

i sit down

below the conflicting waves that float above my head

and choose not to stand

for immersion is the worst 

kind of drama

and i don't swim in pollution.

the way we think

it's important to think of things that do not exist.

in our current realities
or maybe ever
things that fly away like a bat out of hell
and we're not quite sure if we should follow them.

or
stay behind
in the cave
dark and damp and
small.

the light beckons
and though we don't know what it means, we know
this one truth:
it is the difference between where we are now
and where
we could
be.


because we exist
in a whole new way today
than we did yesterday
or even a minute ago
if we let ourselves
walk
into the light.

it's important to think of things that do not exist.

the black and white of it

let's all agree we know what i'm posting about, huh?
let's all say it boils down to these three things:

1. love/god/love...
2. life's ups and downs
3. singleness

that first one, i think that's pretty normal, and frankly so is the second.

the third however, it presents a real serious problem, right?

like, what will i do when i finally am in a romantic relationship, huh?

my writing will be reduced down to *gasp* happysappy posts about how i never knew it could feel this way and the sky has never looked so blue and omg his HANDS they're just wonderful! AND a picture of the lord, amiright #amiright?!?!  

OR

the alternative, but slightly worse option, of no posts at all.

or, maybe that would be for the best.  

;)

i'm trying not to take myself too seriously here, life is too short for that.

i know that this moment is not the one defining moment of my life.

god is bigger than this

and he made me to be as well.

the gray

it hovers almost as palpably
as the
stratus and cumulus
above me.
making me wish a cozy cup of tea and a comfy couch
could make this book all that i wanted today.

but the feeling doesn't go away,
and no matter how positive i am
that what i am doing
is right
and good
and fully me
and alive
it is similarly still

there.

and it won't go away.

for today the gray is inside
and that is worse.

soaring on the hike

wake up
no, your alarm hasn't gone off yet
poke your arm out from under the comforter
breathe deeply the remnants of sleep
let your eyelids slide into this new gift
new day

wake up
turn off your alarm
no, don't hit snooze
jump out of bed in a panicked rush
exclaim when you realize you have to shower
hit your arm on the door in your room
change shirts three times.
new day.

wake up
no, you don't have an alarm set for today
it's full of silence and possibilities
shake off the idea that you must get up
then decide to anyway
make a leisurely breakfast and feel lonely at the thought of more free time
spent unassumingly by yourself.
new day.


wake up
no, you didn't go back to sleep any of those times
you got up.
but each time, you felt something very distinct, very full.
and so i challenge you

go live it now.
don't go back to sleep
wake up.
new day.

glass box

sometimes i don't understand this living life with other people thing.
sometimes i am shown up.  sometimes i am shown down.
sometimes i do not show up at all but i wish i was there instead of here.
because here i am stuck on top of this glass box, staring down at these people who think they are free.
our minds are our own, let us use them to be filled with our hearts!
to be taken away
from a society who tells us it's all about
"me!"
and over to
"soul".

love.  one another.  more than you love yourselves.

skyflyer

no matter what challenges are in front of you
face them

try something you're afraid of

live life now

that's an idea worth spreading.

-chris colwell

don't tell me what to post

post this my friends
i mean, eat it.  with all you are.
we are all the 99%
the marginalized
the few
the one who has suffered
the most.

until we realize this
we are all the
1%
the rest of the world
angrily shouting
"hey! i didn't get mine!"
and the ones taking from our neighbors
instead of giving

closing our doors and the minds of our children
and our hearts
and shutting the mouths
that ask to be fed
the souls, nourishing
walking past the majority who wants
just a moment
of our
time
so precious to us we couldn't possibly stop
because when we do
our reality crumbles
and the walls fall down
into a heap like a costume
sliding to the floor
and we have to
care
about
the 99%

and we are all it.


"he has told you, o man, what is good;
and what does the lord require of you
but to do justice, love kindness,
and to walk humbly with your god?"

-the book of micah, chapter 6, verse 8

silent conversation

it dings

and sings

a fresh hope 

into your heart.

you pick it up

and open the words

and show the world your smile

as it's sender sees naught

eagerly anticipate 

as you wait

what the message might say.

delight fills the room as

your grin once more alights

on a tune

to the phrase you read

silly.  

harmless lip health.

a door is not a window. unless it is.

do you see this
fierce
icy cold
piercing
determined

HOPE
in my eyes?

do you feel this
beat
smooth as the wind is strong
round the corner of my steering wheel

JOY
pushing out my fingertips?

do you know this
jesus
kinda prayer breathing
life as a step and another

LOVE
fleshing out this journey?


do you?
it is consuming me.

all the other steps

what if we could
go backwards
through time.
let's say we could.

all the steps we took
the clunks
and jerky

unsure

movements we made.
all the final runs we ran and jumps

we thought through

then lept into.

all those places we went on our own two feet.
or


did we
?

but now the ungraceful has
been redeemed
the moves and
nervous trips
have come to pass as

glides

down the school hallway in elementary
and it is.

for when we go backwards through time
we come to where we are.

control

who knows how many more
sunsets i will see.
5,000?
or
5?

who knows how many more times i can hear people compliment me like waves on the beach
while also not wishing the sand they carried back out with them was staying with me?

being raised to be aware of others, i now cannot figure out how to be fully aware of myself.
(there are greater problems, do not worry, i will not stop here).
however, i seem to have no problem putting others ahead of myself except when it comes to romantic love.  i will not let go; i never have.  i am  afraid of it, so it controls me.  this thing that should be so glorious and beyond a depth i have ever driven!

instead
i wear a trench coat
and dark glasses and one of those ugly floppy hats.

to hide away from it, blend in with the masses; i am ok, i am fine by myself.


i cannot hide much longer though.

my heart is telling me

'enough.'
it pangs so hard, so often, more than ever before.
'stop holding me back.'
it says.
'just give him a chance! or, him!'
and it clamors to be heard
'if you try to squelch me again, next time it will hurt worse. but not nearly as much, you see, because you will have shut it out.  sooner or later you will numb me entirely, and the frozen
nub
of me left will hit the ground, never to be moved again.  and that will hurt the worst you see, because you won't feel a thing at all.  to pain is to live, to agonize is part of love, part of the same beat that skips with delight at the thoughts of he
that loves you.

no promise comes without sacrifice.
give me up.'

and it is good.  amen.

the great tribulation

what does this all mean
and why must we hold up our head
when we just want to lay it all down
at your

feet.

how can i help be the hands and the
feet
of your love
when all i know to do is
hug
and
pray
and say "i'm sorry"
for the umpteenth time.

where can i
go
to take it all away to
another place
so far removed
perspective is restored
that wasn't ever even there.

all these questions god.
and all these answers.
maybe they just can't make it through the time warp.
because i know heaven isn't above the clouds any more
than you are
in the city of gold
whilst we are in the city of dirt
and you watch and laugh from above as we stumble and fall.
no, i know better.
i just don't always know what.

i do know your love is unfailing
your hand holds me when i want to let go
you never show me anything less than an offer of mercy and a good future filled with hope.
these things i know.
let me then live.
it is enough.
you are.

a path in the woods

i keep thinking i'm in a movie
or a dream
or a calendar.
or back at tarryall.
those are the only times i can reconcile this great
beauty and my participation in it.


the sounds consist of nothing but wind
through the pines and aspens, brooks
bubbling, mosquitoes humming and
birds tweeting to their kin from above.


the smells range from
musky earth to
fresh spruce to
manure on the path donated by the trail horses yesterday.
the smell of

nothing

that shouldn't be here
makes me want to jump around my comrades
yelling
"do you believe this?!
AND WE ARE IN IT!"

To my Dad on Father's Day 2011

On this day we celebrate
Those who shape and integrate
Their lives into different places
They never could have imagined.
Who they would become
To whose they would become
For others they love with all they are
To see how they become themselves
Fathers
Children
Mothers
Brothers
Wives
Sisters
Husbands
Families.

This year on this day I press before you a word: love.
Selflessness gets often used but it can never fully do what love can.
Which is unexplainable. Incomprehensible. Unreal to the human with all it's flaws and gaping holes of self.
This phenom is only witnessed once: in the love of the Father for his children. He does not love them for what they can do for him, although they are great and tender creatures, he does not love them for what they can provide for Him, because he is the ultimate Creator. No He loves them because they are His. Given as gifts
Given as life
Given from Love to love.

So Dad, this Father's Day I want you to know, that I love you at base
not because you have given me countless gifts of yourself, your soul, over my lifetime and will continue to do so as long as you live,
not because you have given me life and an invaluable outlook on living and risking and responsibility and caring for our fellow man,
not only because you have loved me unconditionally in the best way you knew how without question.
I love you because you came from Love and you live it every moment you've got.
Thank you for being my Father, just the way my soul needed.
Happy Father's Day!

i've found it.

"in the beginning god created the heavens and the earth. now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of god was hovering over the waters."

there is nothing that can explain this great mystery, no understanding i can come to.
and i feel it still.

hovering.


thanks be to god.

give me credit, credit i say!

this is my work, you know, all mine.
i mean, i thought of the idea and made it happen
all by myself.
if anyone offered to help i quickly shot them down.  if they had,
why, i'd have to share the glory.  and i'm not about to do that!

see this thing?  it's so shiny, eh?  yeah well that's cause i polished it
and sharpened it and created this new thing from the old.
well please stop being jealous, because i'm not sharing.

if you think i have no right to be this haughty you've got another
thought comin', man.  because this is what i fashioned out of what was left.
no leftovers of those for you!  i swear, if one more person asks me to drop what
i am doing to help them on their project, i will scream so loud it will bust your noise catchers!
no!  i'm not here to assist!  i'm just here for me.  me and my spear.

off into the wild i go.
no, stop following me.

rain

when the things you feel are
so right
so atypical
and you know you are at peace
step into it.

when the people seem so full
and angry all the time
so very much unrest
step into it.

when your fear grabs your throat
you can't shake it with your
might
step into it.

for these things are all
temporal and the goodness shall not last
nor the darkness and the shadows
step into it.
rain beats a new drum, an old drum.  one that will not end
rain
rain
on this dry soul.

clock's kiss

the clock ran out
my last has come
and i've known it.
what did i do to make this haiku
of my life as amazing as i felt it?

the seethe has quieted and my soul is still
weightless for once and forever.
what comes next i have no idea

pure love.


how then i feel i have so much left to do in this dirty world?
where grime and much pain abound as freely as dandelion seeds on a breeze.
why would i hold on, say, "i'm not done yet- NO!"
for
one
simple
kiss?

the times i have thought of this are many
times i have been asked what i would do if i knew my clock?
never.
but i would want to hold on, for one kiss.  so that i can know.  
what it is like on the other side.




"as i went down in the river to pray 
studying about that good old way
and who shall wear the starry crown
good lord, show me the way

sinners let's go down,
let's go down, come on down,
o sinners let's go down,
down in the river to pray "

-down in the river to pray: hymn.

if i could build a wall

it would implode upon itself
so
slowly
moss would start to grow
and flowers would take root
springing up here and there
and every neglected place.
in the wall's stead would rest
a garden so unimaginably quaint and flourishing
even i wouldn't recognize it.

the wall would be broken and left to surprise and delight would be nothing
but beauty.



as i break down my wall
this moss creeps in.
and it is lovely.