Would you like a side of cockiness to go with that blog?

My peeps! Yo yo wut up!? Wow, that is even annoying ME and I'm writing it. Sorry.

I recently wrote to my friend Paul and let him know about my blog. Now, I believe Paul knows me (on a somewhat deeper level than some of you who I barely know, anyway) pretty well. He said that I sound cokcy on this page. I thought "Cocky? No, I'm not cocky, just confident!" but then I considered his words and pondered them more deeply. See, I am a confident person. I feel pretty good about myself, that is, when I'm not feeling like the elements of scum that "....stick to the bottom of a good man's loafer!" (I can't remember which movie this quote is from, but it's pretty awesome). So I am left with the realization that I have crossed THE LINE. That line is, as we all know, the line between Self Confidence and ......*drumroll*.......*gasp!*....Cockiness. Oh no, not the dreaded C word! Geez, must be true. I think, partially, I am kidding when I talk all big on my site. I think it's funny to say things that make me SEEM full of myself, but I am actually not like that. I beat myself up inside when I make mistakes and hate when I don't do something I know I should have, or follow something God told me. I believe in talking to be the person you want to be, to a certain extent. We all need to focus on the the things in our lives that we need to improve on, then implement real changes in those areas to reflect the way we want to be going. If we constantly focus on the negativity in our lives, the areas we struggle with, but NEVER do anything about, then we are hurting ourselves far worse than fooling ourselves to think we are good people. Because we're not good people. Man is basically evil.

My conclusion to these randomnly strung together thoughts is this: I do sound confident on my page, because I know who I am and what Jesus wants me to be, and I want to run towards that at all times. I am cocky because I'd like to think not many other women my age I know are like this. I am self-absorbed because I am a sinnner and would like the world to revolve around me. I am incredibly weak in my ability to do the right thing all the time and to be wonderful. I am a "...sad, sad little man" (Buzz Lightyear) because I constantly fail in my efforts to be real. I give it my all, but it's never enough. I don't say all this to make you myspace people out there rally around me with a cry of "That dog, Paul!! Dude, he's such a looser, making you feel that way, you ARE awesome and nobody should treat you that way!" because it's not true and I'd hate to have friends that are liars worse than I'd hate to have no friends at all. I will say, I'd like you all to realize I am stating here and now: I am cocky. I am confident. I am awfully pitiful in my attempts to convince myself that I am unimportant. I am a looser unless I live for the things that matter: Jesus, love, people.

So, it's true. It's a lie. It's all good. I'm so horrible. And so goes the struggle of one daughter, trying valiantly to follow her Father, trying to trust His love and live in His glory and grace day in and day out. Say what now? Say it louder, I can't hear you....

PUSH

This blog is about pushing. Here's what I think about it.

I want to push

myself, to exceed my limited expectations of myself and others

others to give more than they thought was in them

the world, out of it's orbit around itself to see that the universe is more important


I want to be pushed

by others to continue on in what I am fighting for

out of my comfort zone

towards the goals I have

away from myself.

ALL at the same time. I want to push because I can't imagine life stagnant. I want to be pushed so that all my sentences cease to begin with I......

PUSH, people!

Hmmm....stars anyone?

Well, here is what I have to say today:

Life is too short to put forth minimal effort in everything you do, work, play, learning, creating, being, loving, LIVING (but I pretty much say this everyday).

Today I was talking to my awesome boss and she mentioned bugs. I like bugs, I think they're very interesting and also fun to kill, if need be. Not so much killing THEM, but elimnating a problem for whoever is screaming "OH MY GOSH IT'S A .....!!!!!!" and scooting away from the offender as fast as possible.


Every time someone I don't know looks at me now, I think "Oh man, I bet they recognize me from somewhere online! Or, work!" it's kinda freaky. That's the danger of posting pictures of oneself online, you just never know WHO has seen you that you haven't seen, well, plus there's all the fan mail, that's kinda hard to handle sometimes. = 0))

Also, I reallllllly love this AMAZING hazelnut (Tartufo El Bacio) flavor of Gelato. Tastes like, frozen Nutella..........but BETTER. Anyone in Austin, TRY IT!!

I had a really good conversation with Paul (my AR buddy) on the phone last night and it was just so much fun to talk with him. Hey, if you want YOUR name in here someday, call me! = 0)

Driving is a part of who I am. Every time I shift, I feel a sense of power, of unexplainable control and *funny facial expression* an aura of authentic coolnness.

I wish I could see the stars. All of them, any night I wanted, from my house. I can't and it's very upsetting.

To conclude these random writings, goodbye! I need to go running.

Beauty, inside or out?

I've always said beauty is inside, but now I am changing my mind. I've said that for so long because I was fat.

It's true, I weighed over 200lbs. I remember starting to gain a little weight when I was 13 and then I decided at some point, that it wasn't worth fighting, that I didn't have any hope of being thinnner or beautiful on the outside, so I'd just work on the inside and eat as much as I wanted. Which, I did. I was THE nicest, most hilarious, interesting, opinionated person a lot of my friends knew. I was fat and I tried to lie to myself that it was ok how I looked, not amazing, but certainly not horrid and I didn't HATE myself. However, deep inside, and I can only see this now, I did. It's sad that I stayed that way until this spring. I went to CO to work on a dude ranch, and it changed my life. Now, I not only felt beautiful on the inside, but I was strong, and 55lbs thinnner and knew I was beautiful on the outside as well.

It still shocks me when I can fit into a size of pants or shirt I can't even remember buying before. Or, when people compliment me on my appearance, not my character. Or, when I get looks from men or whistles from BOYS (of course they're the same age as the ones I get looks from, but that's sooo unappreciated when I am just an object to them, I must convey my dislike. they don't even know me!). OR, when, no matter what I am wearing, I feel like myself, the one I was afraid to be all those years, because I thought it would change who I was, because I was afraid to change, because I didn't work hard enough, because I didn't look deeper, past my insecurities to who I really am and what I'm made of.

Now, I know what beauty is and it comes in all forms. It is feeling, looking and KNOWing you are gorgeous, inside and out. Everyone can get there, and it is only by THEIR standards that it will happen, that they find what makes them beautiful, because of who they are, what they've accomplished, given or been to someone else. Beauty is trying when you want to give up. Beauty is strength when you just want someone to lean on. Beauty is not beauty if it is so fragile it can be broken by our "Best Friend"'s comment about our hair, our butt or our flab. Authentic beauty IS attainable, and it is YOU, if you want it bad enough.

Plus, so much more.

I am gorgeous and no one can stop me!!!

Announcement

This is my official blog. I never thought I'd have one, honestly. It was always in that category with other weird internet people, who spend their lives on the computer. Yes, I am judgmental. Yes, I have a shadow across my forhead. Yes, I like to do crazily fun things that the majority of the population might not consider fun. Yes, I am happy 99.6% of the time. Yes, I am cranky the other .4% because I don't know how to exprees what I'm feeling or make a decision about something important. Yes, I love Avril Lavigne, Switchfoot, U2, Imogen Heap, and many many others. Yes, I own about 70 CD's and it is still not enough. My life would be nothing with out Jesus Christ. No, I do not smoke. No, I do not drink. In fact, if you come very close, I will tell you a secret.....I have never been on a date. Please, ask me why. Yes, I like my blog and no, I will not write things in this fashion on a daily basis. This is me signing off, goodnight!