minute men

hey. so tonight at mosaic ( www.mosaicaustin.org ) i went to watch the documentary 'minutemen: we jam econo'. minutemen were a punk band from so.cal in the early '80's and the doc struck me as really amazing, insightful, funny, sad, inspiring, mind boggling, beautiful, exciting and somewhat tragic. my feet are freezing on the tile floor in our kitchen as i type and i love it. it helps along my delusion that tx does in fact have seasons, besides hot/muggy and hot/rainy. = 0) anyway, there are three guys in minutemen: d. boon, mike watt and george hurley. d.boon was the lead guitar and singer, watt on bass and hurley drums.



some of the craziest guys were interviewed on there, a lota older whacked out musicians that had a way of describing music as if they were talking about the most life changing moments imaginable, full of force and fury, beauty and light, inventive and stirring yet provocative in the most challenging of ways. i can hardly talk about god in the terms they used to describe a 2 minute song! but i want to start. i am terrified to say now. now.



he is taller than the stars but holds my hand so tight sometimes i have to ask him to loosen up a bit. his love floods down on me with such unending grace that makes me want to kick dirt into my eyes and scream as loud as i can 'i'm not worthy of this, god! pick someone better!' . the sound of his word, his rain, wind, crinkles and crunches, silence are breathtaking. the power he has to rule the world, but instead uses to give us free will is confusing at best and crazy at least. he's the best kind of insane i've ever known. the way he pushes me in places i didn't know i had never cease to excite and terrify me.



and i will move. throw rocks over the boundary line into the men with guns like a fat man jumping on stage with his music, passion and joy at the truth and humility in the relationships between people, and between music and life. communicating your opinion and your art. because as mike watt said tonight 'you gotta find out what you're gonna do, and find out how you're gonna do it.' i am here to find it out. and just do it.

the real wheel deal

for the confusion, speculation and rumors surrounding my bike i'd like to clarify what REALLY happened on September 11, 2007 in the wee hours of the morning under the carport at my house.

riding along in the rain with intent to find a better bike, a stranger pulls into our yard and drops their transportation. it is so early yet that he is glad any dogs nearby aren't paying vigilant gaurd on those who come with unscrupulous business. he swipes at the water running down his face and grins at his genius. this was a good pick, two bike to choose from. he gets the clippers out of his bag and with two clamps it is over, they are his for the taking. first the blue one, it looks about his height but is it what he wants? takes it out for a spin, but the feeling of constantly riding on a sidewalk leads him to a quick rejection. no matter, try the other one. oh yeahh, the green one fits great, comfortable, has everything he needs. ha ha, suckas... helmet, lights, basket, water bottle and holder, tires in good condish, shocks, cush.

he makes quick work of stripping the blue bike of all that might be useful, lights, even tries the seat but it's too rusted. damn '70's schwinn crap. whatever, he's gotta get going. back into the rain, but this time he feels better. i mean hey, a guy can only ride so many bikes at once right? they don't need two good bikes when i only got one crap one.

i'm shakin' the dust of that squeakyshit one off my heels, they can have it for all i care. ha ha, nice try with the locks. some people are so stupid. didn't they notice when i left the light on it a couple night last week? think that was strange? geez, this ride is pretty sweet... wonder what they'll do in the morning, maybe they won't even see it's gone for a couple days. this one is going to be a good story for a long time.




so, that's what happened. now i am holding onto the thief's bike for fingerprints (if the police will give me the time of day, i can hope!) and reporting the stolen bike w/ registration number so if a bike that hot ever makes it to a pawn shop, i'll see it again. i doubt it, but it's all i can do. oh, and if i ever see someone riding it on the street, chase them until they give it back. because damn it i worked hard for that bike! and this is the second time this has happened to me in austin. *sigh*

if you see my bike, let me know: cypress green, GIANT, hybrid, grey plastic crate on the back with a sticker (mass media creates mass deception) and lots of reflective squares (on gray helmet as well).


these are the things i don't understand:
how do you get to a point where it's justifiable to take something that is not yours? not to make a split second bad decision, but to plan it out in advance and carry it through without hesitation?
why are human beings so cruel to one another?
why do we say hurtful things and decide that we deserve so much?
how come we don't point out to eachother our pains and then fix them? or let them be, but not use them as an excuse for poor behavior?

see, i don't think that was the best my bike thief had to give, and that's what i want. i want his best effort, time, compassion, attention, truth. the best. anything less and you're just breathing. i want him to have a better life by making a better life. THAT's hard. it is frustrating and saddening to contemplate that he must have deluded himself to a point mentally where this is ok, going to make him happy and solve some problems in his life. you know what? take my bike. but it's not going to do anything for you. because someday, maybe not anytime soon, but someday, just before you fall asleep, you're going to realize that it didn't do you one damn bit of good, because it came from a bad, empty place in your heart that only wanted to satisfy yourself. and that's as far as he'll get with it. nowhere.

i still wish i had my bike back, but i don't want to loose this lesson. because i could be him any moment i choose. that's all it takes. and that's the real deal WORD.

high heels

i really like high heels. greanted they're not functional(ie. practical) for anything but fashion and showing off one's body, but they do that very nicely. =0) there are so many things in my life that i would like to say i could eliminate and be happy to be down to the bare minimum, the essentials. conflicting feelings bring me back to what dad always taught 'when you're having a tough time making a decision, make a list of pros and cons. it's always helpful to see it written out.' so:



pros:

less stuff

more time to spend on what really matters: god, love, people

focus on the things that are not about me

discover who i am with out all this...



cons:

loose an expression of who i am

uh....



well, the pros win. i do live very simply comparativly, but i think if i boil it all down to this i can figure out my standard of simplicity: live a life where my love speaks louder than anything i could say with clothing, stuff or status. live to be empty, but full to overflowing. i don't have anything to give of myself, because the created is nothing without their creator in every facet of their lives.



i am so unique and exciting, he says.

so terribly dangerous in my willingness to give everything i have for passion

the way i laugh gives him chills, he smiles.



i never knew he thought about me this way. god, why did i think you were far away? you are a part of me, but so much bigger than i can fathom. shoot, you even love the way i talk to you at stop lights.

adjustment

do you know, my left leg has been 1/2 an inch shorter than my right for the past 3 months? for serious!

i went to my new chiropractor last week and gave him the ld on my recent injuries and mentionables. on a whim, i mentioned my dream. no, i'm not talking about my dream of being in the olympics as a gymnast! *sigh* i have such a vision for my floor routine and the balance beam...WOW.

no, my dream about my left hip. in this dream, it was broken. i could feel the grinding of the broken bones, and i was trying to set it. but no matter how hard i tried, it wouldn't set. that was the dream in its entirety. really weird because it is one of about 5 dreams i actually remember. my sister sent me this link: http://www.sawlogs.net/dictionary_hello/definitions/definition.php?definition_id=60 and i couldn't believe how accurate it seemed.. since the dream, i have had problems with my left hip. can't do certain moves on the medicine ball, pain in my back as a result of over compensation from burpees (you know, the navy seals shiznit)- just a really disappointing performance from my body!

so i told all this to dr. chris, feeling something of a kinship with "those people that tell those kind of totally unrelated and dramatic details to their chiropractors", and he nodded and 'um hm'ed, like he actually believed me. he is pretty much the best dr. i have ever been to, i'll tell you that right now. and not solely because of what he did to adjust my hips or my back or even make my legs the same length again. but for the simple fact that he listened to me, took into account what affect this dream may have had on my physicality and allowed for it to be true. i don't know why that made such a huge impact on me, but i think it must be that
i don't let many people do that for me.
believe in me
get in my head
respect me not for things i do but for the person i am.
i don't let them in, because i don't want to be so honest back with them.
because i don't want to evaluate myself in my response, it's ugly.


ooooh.


the saaame old shit. GEEZ! when am i going to adjust myself so that i am NOT myself? huh, when? first a hip, then my back, continually i want my heart. to break into a million tiny pieces i can't put back together the same way again. it's not right, it's broken now. see?


this is my pattern of growth. discover the habit. break it. make a better one. and i will break as much as it takes to find a new way to live. because some things in me are OH so good! and some are not.
i will live again like never before. THIS is the
unprecedented future i long for. in this breath.


broken and planted.

green grass

...if it were any other color would it smell as amazing? =0] i l o v e grass.
the texture on my skin
the color in all shades
the smell when it is cut.
the memories it holds of my neighbors
my dad
my grandmothers push mower i used when i was little. the only mower i've ever used in fact since my dad was afraid we'd slice our toes off if he let us use the gas one. pretty much the one thing he never taught his girls to do. i used a riding mower once, that was fun because it was a really old stick shift... i digress.

this all seems to be part of the 5 senses i'm really into these days. i think they have been heightened by being aware and being in a new place, awake to things i've never thought of. ideas and experiences, what life is all about. did you know that grass tastes pretty good? i mean, if you're a cow and we eat cows and drink their milk and wear things made from their skin, so we might as well thank the grass as much as the cow. yep, a little grass with some good ole' american cheese and ketchup, YUM! =0] hahaha, i need to sleep more than 4 hours a night. word.

oh smell that grass. i would even stop my car, get out and smell fresh cut roots anytime. that is what it's about, taking your opportunities, enjoying the everyday. i like todays grass the best, i don't know if i'll get to seesmelltouchlovebreatheindelightful grass tomorrow. be here with me.

snackety snacks

i have decided to give up snacks.

permanently.


i came to this conclusion today at approx. 6:34pm sitting in my car. i wrote it down right away because obviously, that is what one must do to make it concrete. and by one i mean me.


so no more snacks. it's possible i will eat a small candy bar on a weekend. or, even some crackers and cheese if i'm low on protein. but i realized that i'm sabotaging my healthy eating choices if i constantly interrupt my body with junk.
i will eat 3-4 meals a day that consist mainly of:

whole grains
as many fresh and organic products as i can manage
dairy
mostly white meat & fish
nuts & berries from the woods.
ok, maybe not from the woods, but yuuuummm blueberries!
etc. on with the goodness!

one exception to this is fruit, i will eat that anytime i want and in any amount. however, i don't expect to go overboard on this. i remember when i never craved chocolate. i want those days back. i don't like the feelings i get when i 'need' something like that. hello, it's food! you eat it to make your body produce energy, life, yes you enjoy it but it's just fuel. this is what i believe. if i ask you to say this and slap me a couple times, please do.


goodbye snacks.


FOREVER.






i won't miss you. hahahahah! take that.

cavities

*sharp intake of breath* my cavities are killing me this morning. why? probably because i still eat too much sugar (even though i do a LOT less of the stuff than i used to..i was a hardcore addict, borderline diabetic.) and haven't been to the dentist in a several years. i try to go as infrequently as possible for several reasons.



contrary to popular opinion, i actually like dentists and feel it's a great idea to treat the one set of teeth i have with love and care. i do not go to the dentist because i don't have any insurance and cannot afford it otherwise. i really need to go to the dental students program, they'll fix me up for cheap! = 0 ] however it normally takes a lot longer... time is money. geez. ok, so i don't get why the torturous pain of cavities must continue after they keep the thing from spreading. what's the deal with that? eternal punishment for bad eating habits? nice.



cavities in my upper left molar

cavities in my heart

pain that radiates and clouds then shrouds perception of depth, reality, life, success, health.

it is easier, always, to remember pain. to hold on to that bitter feeling, when it is just that. because i would rather, i get more from it. i like pain better obviously, otherwise i would focus on something else. like the last time i woke up feeling so refreshed and excited i jumped out of bed, got wiggly hands and grinned at god in the darkness of my room. like the miracle of new life everywhere! like the breath i will take in a second. it is easier to remember pain, but so empty and unsatisfying. joy that springs up in my soul at the stoplight because i just remembered something nice a customer said to me this morning, that was a direct 'hey, you are living in community melissa, THIS is what it's about' from the big man. it is better to remember the good things, to choose to dwell on them and learn just as much from both.



and just like that, my cavities don't hurt anymore. seriously.



a personal reflection: periods. so painful i'm in bed all day with the shades drawn, moaning and being bItChY to everyone who comes in to offer me tea, books on tape, a backrub, ibprofen, love, support, music, a bell so i don't have to yell when i need them. the next day: the pain is gone like a miracle. i want to

run a marathon

sing in front of a thousand people

pick flowers and give them to random unhappy people

kiss everyone i see. ok, maybe just family members.

jump up and down for hours

do something risky.

i am ALIVE!



this is what it feels like to let go. and fall into life full of pain and joy. it is horribly beautiful.





gorgeous cavities.

Here, ride my bike!

Dear Mom,
I have poison ivy. AGAIN.
Love,
Melissa


P.S. I got it while climbing a tree on Monday. It reminds me of when
I was little and I got it while making mud soup in Katie's backyard up
the hill on Oxbow. Then that night after you'd figured out it
was Poison Ivy and told us all I remember we went out to ride bikes.
I offered mine to all the neighborhood kids and they were very
suspicious. Someone almost took me up on it finally but then Al
screamed "DON'T DO IT, SHE HAS POISON IVY AND YOU'LL GET IT ALL OVER
YOU!" and with a collective gasp they all ran home to tell their
mothers. I can still feel the oil on my hands and handlebars and the
glee I took in the thought of spreading the misery. Oh gosh I was a
horrible kid!

It hurts a bit and itches and CONSTANTLY weeps. Just on my laft
arm, woop de doo. I am taking some homeopathic Hylands under my
tounge and washing it a lot to dry it out( I just remembered today
that I have some poison ivy soap by Burt's Bees in my room, I can use
it!!), and cortisone cream as well as hydrogen peroxide. It's killer
because it seems to be getting better and then the next day looks back
to a state of horridness it was in before. Man, I hate this stuff!
BUT I will not stop climbing trees! Maybe just not that one though...
=0{

anyone...?

i don't think anyone is reading my blogs. or, they are but they're not leaving comments. WHY THE FREAK NOT?!







common people, where's the love? what do i have to write to get feedback? that's all i want, geez. *sigh*

mosaic 4.22.07

i am going to this amazing community of people trying to follow jesus'
life. it is called mosaic and i adore life there. during worship
(which is one of the most distinctly different experience i have all
week) i normally get some words in my head. so i write them down. oh,
i will always post these in the way i write them in my book, so mind
the word placement. it might mean something, who knows! =0] here are
a couple from yesterday:

fangs of death
life for the grip
i would be swallowed alive
alive
aware
animate
able
swallowed, gone.
if.
but o god you were with me.
never alone. alive. acutely aware.
of your breathtaking beauty. sharp!
you never leave me.
never.
you are with me.
fangs gnash.
empty.



this was after communion, but i'd like to hear what is says to you (as i always do):

a contrite piece of bitterness
sorrow
grattitude
in the pocket of my cheek.
slipped in amongst the gluttony.
the rot. but i am dying,
am dead, have died. to
you. myself.
slipped in. my pocket.
i take it again. this death is life.

GOLDBOND medicated foot powder

GOLDBOND medicated everything. More like, my word is my bond. When I say that you can trust it's for realz.


I was thinking today about the surprised reactions I consistently receive when I follow through on my commitments. Now, this is not so much shocking as the fact that I continually write about ONLY myself. Good Lord. What I have to say always seems somewhat arbitrary. Yessss, freedom. =0} When I say I am going to do something, I do it. No matter what. I feel very bound by my word, once I state my decision I will not change it. Which seems like in future instances could be dangerous and downright stupid, but I'll cross bridges when I come to them, because it'd be pretty hard to do otherwise, now wouldn't it?!


Ok, let me make this a tad bit more specific. Several recent examples include but are not limited to:

-Driving to Dallas for the weeked to visit with my Dad and friend Jen who were there for a conference ( check out www.mannatech.com which will change your LIFE!!!! ) . I told them almost 3 weeks prior I was coming and only a week before hand did they believe/accept I was actually going to be there.

-Telling Angele or Steven I'd take them allll the frick back to their houses from southATX and even though it was the last thing I felt like doing, I did because I had said I would and I am a responsible person. Plus, I love them. =0)

-Making a road trip this summer to CO, IA, MI and back to TX and camping every night in my tent. Along the way and while I'm at peoples houses, I'm determined to do it, it's only 2 weeks, yet people are already getting on my case.

-Being on time in circumstances within my control, or allowing extra time for delays to impede my progress and still arriving on time for appointments. I am late rarely, or with a few friends I know don't care. =0)

-Being committed to my goals, and not going to bed just because I'm tired. I try and talk myself out of negative attitudes frequently, it works. People wonder how I am so positive most of the time, I have decided it's a richer way to live my life.

-Taking on the job as one of four people in charge of PR for the state of TX for Invisible Children's Displace Me event here in Austin on April 28th, 2007.


Now I have 4 jobs, one of which I am not paid monetarily for (no, I don't get gallons of Seabond in return, I just give them my time and efforts and I get the knowledge that I am making a difference in a complete strangers life, so that they have a chance to truly live). I don't get that much sleep, some major life changing shit is going down in my life right now, I'm feeling pressure from all sides, overwhelmed. Yet I will not give up. I WILL NOT. Because I have said I never will. For that is the truest test of my word, my bond, my life, my soul and reason.


The definition of courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. Synonyms COURAGE, METTLE, SPIRIT, RESOLUTION, TENACITY. I'll add one: gorgeous. This is my breath and no one can take it from me, for I will never die. This is not an end, but a begining, an opportunity to learn, grow and struggle, discuss ideas I'd always seen as BLACK and WHITE and realize I don't even know how to describe my naivete on the color grey. To change my opinions but never my ideas, to rewrite my future with invisible ink. To hold my word as my GOLDBOND medicated everything.


It hurts the same no matter what you do, but I have to answer to myself and Jesus and I wanna pick things that'll make us both really pleased and brilliant. Jesus' smile I imagine is more blinding than the gum commercials.