oh hope

hope oh hope where are you?
for all these years ,forever.
i have believed in you. in me.
but now i feel empty, despondent.
like the believing isn't worth it, a different thing hasn't happened.
this is NOT THE END OF MY LIFE.

not.



oh
hope.

i need you like rain on my upturned face. i need you like a walk.
i need you in everything i do, every moment i choose badly, or well.
hope? you are all i am ignoring, for you have come at the wrong time. from the wrong place. from a future that wouldn't work, i say. i refuse to believe you now. not that i cannot, but
won't.

my friend says i will learn from this, and i say i need to pay close attention. then i make that comment, the one i often do.
'yes well, i only have the one chance. this one life.'
and it is true. but how i hate saying it! trying to placate myself, make my hurt sound trite and trivial.
oh hope take me!
away from this bitterness and aged anger. take me to faith and trust and willingness to be hurt, yet again. to opening myself up to the possibility of a future different than the one i imagined when i never said i knew what my life would look like. but i lied. i had a plan, in the back of my heart. but i don't want it anymore, not the way i had it set. i want what you have for me god. if it is the same or if it is the opposite. oh lord even the very opposite! it hurts, but i give it. for i want you more. i cannot live without you. i do not understand you, i don't understand your love. i do trust you god.

i trust you.
i trust you!
i trust you.
and your hope.

amen.

over under all around

hello world.

i am over
under
all around
whelmed.

surrounded all at once, almost in an intentional effort to undermine me living a quiet life. to upset the balance of quiet and comfort and hovering on the verge of committing. to something. to love. to loving something, besides myself.

you are asking me to come early to work and wash the dishes by hand because the dishwasher is broken again for the thousandth time. and not complain, but have joy in my heart.
you are asking me to give of my time when i feel i have the smallest amount of it, when i want to hoard it the most.
asking me to love the way your heart beats so different from mine, but love the way you paid close attention in making mine as well.
pleading with my soul to listen to the message you sing to me all day long. the words without speaking. utter.a.sigh.of.anguish.
the movement in my body as i walk with defiance, you ask me to give it up. to give you my anger, to share it with you. you are complete to handle me.
the walls i put up when i am most afraid. afraid of letting fear make my decisions. you ask me to open my fist of anger, to empty myself of it. just stop building the wall, this foundation of sand. stop.
the digging i do when it is me that is hurting, the hurting i unload on others. i have no right, you ask me to grab hold of grace. for them, for myself.
the way you ask me. god? it is like asking the moon to move over a little so more stars can join in it's path of brilliance. listen to the lord god, foolish moon! he created you! he loves you! you cannot see the brilliance until you get out of the way! it is a breath, a whisper, a SHAKE, a laugh, a gesture, a breeze. it is like the hardest thing i have ever heard. love is painful. but love is the only way.

you are asking me. you.are.love.