prayer

father god, let us come before you with hearts open wide.  wide with hope. wide in awe, wide like the crevices we are without your love to give us life.

lord bring our ears to hear you, our mouths to praise your name and our hands to serve the world.  thank you for your presence with us wherever we go, whatever we think, whoever we're with.  god, may we live true to the souls you created in each one of us, fashioned after a part of you.

open our dreams to the wasteland and let us not stop at the ordinary.  we love the unusual nature of your heart and the way you ask us to love.  in our fear may we draw even closer to you, trusting your hand.

this is the time to listen, we want no other cloud above us.  in jesus' name, amen.

i have a secret

i have a secret
and this is how is goes:
i am terrified of falling in love.
most everyone i know has done it at some point or are in it's throes as we speak
most everyone i love has loved me back
most everyone i know is scared of something
but i think i
i am the most cowardly.
for who is scared of
love?

the courage of a lion
the heart of a warrior
the eyes of a doe
the adventuresomeness of a porcupine.
that sums me up.
up
up and into this fairy tale
that floats into neverneverland where i can be safe forever and never
have to be a grown up or love to the depths and beyond.
risk giving myself over to another human being just as flawed as myself.

no no no, says me.
i would much prefer to crouch
behind those bushes over there, you see
and watch
most everyone else
fall in love.
that's good enough for me.

wait, what?  you say that's a double standard?
oh that's ok, i'm not afraid of those.
*sigh*
ok fine, i am.
nevermind the whole thing.
see, this is why i never tell you secrets.

jerks like a knee

this pain jerks me awake

so cruel, like a joke that's not kidding.

no warning, no permission granted, but it sears just the same.

my head throbs and my nerves squeal

relent!

uncle!

cease and desist!

i give uuuuuuuup.

i can't handle this, god!

is what i yell through the most honest, unstoppable tears i have dropped in years.

the flood comes, night after painful night, when i haven't even wanted it, worked for it, sought it out.

this water falling from my eyes belies a heart fresh in healing from pain just as severe.

a root canal can fix only one of these things, and that is unfortunate

but bliss in the end.

because if i could, go to the doctor, and have him fix everything wrong with me

and get a prescription to kill this, numb it, i wouldn't. no, because he can only know so much, you see

and i need to know all

of me

before i can fix it.

even then

i can really only hold it together with band-aids and wishes

that god will hold me tight in the palm of his soul and protect me when the wave threatens again

in the middle of the night

this pain

i didn't ask for, but have and can't make go away.

if only a root canal could fix that.

peanut butter and jelly

eat
eat eat
this peanut butter and jelly sandwich
and make sure i have milk on hand, and cut the bread into triangles.
because sometimes
when everything else is going around you
going so hard
you just want
to be a kid again.
and jump on the little trampoline in your basement and frolic through the swamp behind your house
and know that when you wake up crying in the middle of the night from a nightmare
your dad will come in and pray for you and everything will be ok again.
and you can wear pj's until 11am if your mom lets you.
and there is none of this mad, mad world making you sad and angry and at a loss as how to help.
is this how we make a difference?
sometimes the best you can give is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
is a memory
of times when you knew life and love went together just so.
let this be so, god, let me hold your hand.
ahhhh.
thanks.