dreamland

last night i didn't sleep well. i tried reading before i went to bed, thinking that surely i was tired and i would begin to nod off sooner or later. come 1:37am and i am still wide awake, so i turn off the light and lie there in the semi-darkness that is my bedroom mere blocks from i-35 and a shopping center.
it is surprisingly quiet.
except for that pesky (not to mention seemingly invisible) branch squeaking periodically on the window pane behind my head. i start on my back, then turn on my left side. i know it might be somewhat tedious to explain all these slight nuances, but it is necessary for the obvious reasons: i am doing everything i normally do to induce sleep but instead get an unpleasant, atypical response. when i turn on my back again i start to pray. for all the people that come to the forefront of my mind. i empty myself of all thoughts i deem to be bothersome or complicated and therefore "keeper uppers". i turn to my right side, still praying and too hot, but knowing that if i turn my covers down too far my arms will get cold. *sigh*. i drift off, finally success!

only to be taunted of all too real and, once alertness strikes again, all too forgettable: dreams. vivid interactions so present i can hear myself laugh or talk out loud sometimes, in response to the situation going on in dreamland. unbelievable! why will rest evade me? i am tired! i say. i need to put away these dreams of the future, of a hope i long for. they are not mine. not now. to covet them is to hold something captive that i cannot live, not now and perhaps never. i give up the present for a mockery of a future. i love my life now! i say. to attempt to live in my dreams never works out. i never get what i need. i need to rest in the love of my father god, his comfort in the middle of confusion, i need to rest in the plans i trust in when i am awake. i need my dreams to listen to god too.

life always gives me something i am not expecting. i say that about a lot of things. a lot. where do i get these expectations from? honestly, where did i really decide that my life should be X+Y=Z? i think it's time to change some of my alphabet. with the alpha and omega. and take THAT to dreamland. HA!
(i hope this works. and i mean that in the most conventional of ways i.e. more rest, as well as the idea that i will rid my life of expectations that attempt to take over my future. for i only have today, right now. i love you, i love living.)

control

yesterday i was nervous. really nervous, for most of the day. i was going to a party where there were going to be lots of people (at least 50) and i only knew 2 of them. for all of my gusto and bravery, social awkwardness strikes me at times. lots of times. all these thoughts swirling around in my head:
what if they think i'm snobby?
what if no one has anything to say to me in conversations?
what if i'm the only non-drinking/drunk person there?
what should i wear?
should i take cider or not?
what if i do something stupid?
what if i have one of those moments where i say something i wanted to, but it isn't appropriate or kind?

WHAT IF...?


sick of the racetrack in my head with the same irritating mantra, at the end of my shower i decided to pray. there are many times my prayers are harsh harassments and self-criticisms. i'm not really sure if that is a prayer, but it never seems to help me. it never changes my heart, which is the root of the matter. so this time i prayed as if god saw all those bad things about me already and i didn't have to discipline myself before he would hear me. and he heard me. oh MAN did he hear me! he gave me his heart, his love for me and all the things he has ALREADY given me that i refuse to grab onto, the gifts he gives knowing it is the best thing for me and what i need, TRULY. so i listened to his comfort and grace and love and took it all in, and am still. why don't i keep these awesome lessons? why do i choose to hold onto them when they are DESPERATELY convenient, but then let go and go back into frantic mode after the "crisis" has passed? NO. i will not do it again. i want to choose love and love means not going back on your promises. when i choose to take something from god, it is forever. PERIOD. so he told me that whenever i try to control the outcome, i am not present and forget who he made me to be. i loose the opportunity to fully live in that situation. that to manipulate myself and others in the process, i create an artificially "safe" alternative outcome that is void of our truest selves. i cannot create myself, i am already melissa joy filkins, the one he made. i can only embrace the nuances and live my potential in every situation. i can only be me. when i let go of trying to be someone i think will work better than me THEN i can really make a difference. THAT is where the power is. so, i took the power and the peace and walked it out. i don't even have to tell you how the party went. but it was great.
= 0 )

i wore what i wanted to wear, like i always do
i took cider and had one
i had some amazing conversations with really insightful people
i was myself. and i loved it. me.