re-do!

the gruff responses that i shove

the harsh and short and 

clipped,

they all remind me of me when i am 

\distracted./

show me a pause button on the tv

the mute on the conversation in my book

the lovely rewind on the traffic light i ran

please just show me a way to make it so that i can listen to you

with all the love and attention you deserve,

and reply with sensical answers instead of 

"huh?"s and "yeah"s and "nope"s.

so that i can really

listen,

and not with 1/2 my focus.

i am frustrated with having to pause, but not because of you, because of 

me.

fading into new

as this once i thought i knew

is coming unfurled and all things

new

i am shown to be forever true

to what

i do not know.

for just then i think i have shown it too.

allegiance to my skin

this sheen i was born in

but never can quite fit

upon this frame of face and heart that shifts

so quickly i cannot catch it.

burn me up and inside out

for all this life i shan't comprehend 

the beauty that lies within.

these souls He has shaped.

el sunza

as i venture farther away from you

and back into the depths of the shallows

of my life before you

i feel the force of your love beckoning me

my heart

to stay.

i recall so vividly

what i could not see until i was far away from you

in another place, the spin cycle of a washing machine life i know now

that part of my soul that america has muted 

was heard by you, turned up! and validated into being

for the beings there live the way

i was created to

crave to

feel most myself in.

this life of people and simplicity and trash in the streets and lawns and love.

you are grasped in my open palm

beating

el sunza.

july fountain from the night

i went out to look at the moon

it had a secret to tell me.

but i couldn't understand,

it was so bright.

not even true though, not even right

because everyone knows the moon doesn't have it's own

only reflects

and this confused me.  i could see it

i sought it out to hear

but i wasn't really there.  i was trying to tell myself a secret.

that was a lie, but i found my way back around to the truth

it was a short trip to the moon

but i understand the way it pushes back at me sometimes

the words i throw are just filled with empty

and the moon knows better.

i went out to look at the moon.

and it saw me.

1232

one step forward

two steps back

this being stuck

unstuck

stuck again

really gets old.

mold

on my bread

because i forgot to eat it fast enough again.

this would not happen if i had more than me

to partake.

make me a sherry

and coke before i bust a rhyme that'll make you sing louder than me

my milkshake is better than yours.

i don't know why that song is stuck in my head

bed i sit on and think but not too hard

this is the worst i've written in a long time

but i'm posting it anyway because it

is my stream of consciousness and cannot be broken

until i get rid of this idea and 

put the junk in the trunk and close the lid

because it is way past my besttime my bedtime and this rhyme ain't doin it.

on to the apologies

do you know?  this one little mistake

is eating me alive.

the guilt could survive on very little

does not need to be fed often

or more than once, really.

it can be left alone and unattended

yet it will flourish

not like a flower

or a carrot

but like a weed

a prickly, defensive cacti.

it consumes the smallest part of me that holds onto

regret and shame and dishonor

that i have strung up around my neck like

some pretty pearls.

but these are not to be adorned

or adored

they are to be shunned; blatantly reminds me of the 

choices i have made

not in that one mistake

but in every moment after ruing the decision plucked from a thought line

made only of and for myself.

this place is ugly.

i want to leave.  

but the only way out is where i entered.

back

through the regret and into the room i should have sauntered bravely into

the harbor that holds difficulty and peace side by side.

i cannot choose the easy life.

i cannot ever change that.  sorrys cannot make it better, but maybe they can make me think

more, next time.  will that the thoughts on the line be about them.  the others.  the ones i love

claim to

hold claim to

and push the block of self out of the way.

only with your strength god, only in my weakness.