Thursday, December 21, 2006

shuck = listen to your analog clock

last night i went to a poetry slam. it was good, not as mind blowing as my first time, but good. i went and came home again. i say this to remind you that i am in fact, alive. to remind myself.
alive: having life : not dead or inanimate, aware
inanimate: not endowed with life or spirit
aware: having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge

what will i do with this precious gift? fritter it away?

i read some amazing blogs tonight from a girl i don't know. her words. i couldn't leave her without telling her... here is some of what I said:
"your graceful, honest, earnest, heartfelt, pained, loving words have just hit me, hit my wall. hit my forehead and washed me over. and over, like the ocean. into a miniature sandcastle that looks shocked by what has just occurred. i sit here staring at my screen after reading what you've said since august and several "''s were spoken in the quiet of early morning when i should be sleeping. when i should be hiding in myself. in my secrets. in my delusion. in my life of safety.

but i am writing to tell you that i will not forget. that these words you have written will never let me forget. to whom much is given, much is required. what am i waiting for? something "bad" to happen to me so i can live up to who i know God has made me to be?! i know he cringes every time i choose death in a selfish 'oh, they don't need me, besides, it'll be uncomfortable'. since when did my life become about living comfortably? since when did i think it was what i wanted? since when did i continue to let my heart slam the door in the face of that small voice of peace and love, beckoning me to choose courage, love and peace? slam it so hard i can't hear it that easily now? i will open the door. i will listen. i will choose the choice of love no matter the cost. no matter the pain or the inconvenience or the unpopularity of it. i will. "

this is all what i deem "good", see? and it is, oh it is. however, i won't leave this here. i will not let this be my blog life, this is my life. that i am aware of having, that i am animated about, that i am grateful for. that i so often do not even think of not having. the life that i breathe in and out while i sleep, trusting that i will wake up again, to have another day. another chance to grow. learn. think. be. new. be content, to be alive, and not wishing for hoping for, always wanting more and waiting until it fits my bill, just grasping that small voice and running until i know i am out of breath and cannot ever do it on my own, but want to cultivate the soil of my heart, and be a constant gardner. get the shit in. thats what helps it grow the best. you know? actually particiapte in living with other people? the thing that used to be known as community? yeah, get the shit in, bring it on. i want it so bad because living this clean sterile lie is killing me as i live.

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