last night i didn't sleep well. i tried reading before i went to bed, thinking that surely i was tired and i would begin to nod off sooner or later. come 1:37am and i am still wide awake, so i turn off the light and lie there in the semi-darkness that is my bedroom mere blocks from i-35 and a shopping center.
it is surprisingly quiet.
except for that pesky (not to mention seemingly invisible) branch squeaking periodically on the window pane behind my head. i start on my back, then turn on my left side. i know it might be somewhat tedious to explain all these slight nuances, but it is necessary for the obvious reasons: i am doing everything i normally do to induce sleep but instead get an unpleasant, atypical response. when i turn on my back again i start to pray. for all the people that come to the forefront of my mind. i empty myself of all thoughts i deem to be bothersome or complicated and therefore "keeper uppers". i turn to my right side, still praying and too hot, but knowing that if i turn my covers down too far my arms will get cold. *sigh*. i drift off, finally success!
only to be taunted of all too real and, once alertness strikes again, all too forgettable: dreams. vivid interactions so present i can hear myself laugh or talk out loud sometimes, in response to the situation going on in dreamland. unbelievable! why will rest evade me? i am tired! i say. i need to put away these dreams of the future, of a hope i long for. they are not mine. not now. to covet them is to hold something captive that i cannot live, not now and perhaps never. i give up the present for a mockery of a future. i love my life now! i say. to attempt to live in my dreams never works out. i never get what i need. i need to rest in the love of my father god, his comfort in the middle of confusion, i need to rest in the plans i trust in when i am awake. i need my dreams to listen to god too.
life always gives me something i am not expecting. i say that about a lot of things. a lot. where do i get these expectations from? honestly, where did i really decide that my life should be X+Y=Z? i think it's time to change some of my alphabet. with the alpha and omega. and take THAT to dreamland. HA!
(i hope this works. and i mean that in the most conventional of ways i.e. more rest, as well as the idea that i will rid my life of expectations that attempt to take over my future. for i only have today, right now. i love you, i love living.)