rain

when the things you feel are
so right
so atypical
and you know you are at peace
step into it.

when the people seem so full
and angry all the time
so very much unrest
step into it.

when your fear grabs your throat
you can't shake it with your
might
step into it.

for these things are all
temporal and the goodness shall not last
nor the darkness and the shadows
step into it.
rain beats a new drum, an old drum.  one that will not end
rain
rain
on this dry soul.

peanut butter and jelly

eat
eat eat
this peanut butter and jelly sandwich
and make sure i have milk on hand, and cut the bread into triangles.
because sometimes
when everything else is going around you
going so hard
you just want
to be a kid again.
and jump on the little trampoline in your basement and frolic through the swamp behind your house
and know that when you wake up crying in the middle of the night from a nightmare
your dad will come in and pray for you and everything will be ok again.
and you can wear pj's until 11am if your mom lets you.
and there is none of this mad, mad world making you sad and angry and at a loss as how to help.
is this how we make a difference?
sometimes the best you can give is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
is a memory
of times when you knew life and love went together just so.
let this be so, god, let me hold your hand.
ahhhh.
thanks.

oh hope

hope oh hope where are you?
for all these years ,forever.
i have believed in you. in me.
but now i feel empty, despondent.
like the believing isn't worth it, a different thing hasn't happened.
this is NOT THE END OF MY LIFE.

not.



oh
hope.

i need you like rain on my upturned face. i need you like a walk.
i need you in everything i do, every moment i choose badly, or well.
hope? you are all i am ignoring, for you have come at the wrong time. from the wrong place. from a future that wouldn't work, i say. i refuse to believe you now. not that i cannot, but
won't.

my friend says i will learn from this, and i say i need to pay close attention. then i make that comment, the one i often do.
'yes well, i only have the one chance. this one life.'
and it is true. but how i hate saying it! trying to placate myself, make my hurt sound trite and trivial.
oh hope take me!
away from this bitterness and aged anger. take me to faith and trust and willingness to be hurt, yet again. to opening myself up to the possibility of a future different than the one i imagined when i never said i knew what my life would look like. but i lied. i had a plan, in the back of my heart. but i don't want it anymore, not the way i had it set. i want what you have for me god. if it is the same or if it is the opposite. oh lord even the very opposite! it hurts, but i give it. for i want you more. i cannot live without you. i do not understand you, i don't understand your love. i do trust you god.

i trust you.
i trust you!
i trust you.
and your hope.

amen.