is eating me alive.
the guilt could survive on very little
does not need to be fed often
or more than once, really.
it can be left alone and unattended
yet it will flourish
not like a flower
or a carrot
but like a weed
a prickly, defensive cacti.
it consumes the smallest part of me that holds onto
regret and shame and dishonor
that i have strung up around my neck like
some pretty pearls.
but these are not to be adorned
they are to be shunned; blatantly reminds me of the
choices i have made
not in that one mistake
but in every moment after ruing the decision plucked from a thought line
made only of and for myself.
this place is ugly.
i want to leave.
but the only way out is where i entered.
through the regret and into the room i should have sauntered bravely into
the harbor that holds difficulty and peace side by side.
i cannot choose the easy life.
i cannot ever change that. sorrys cannot make it better, but maybe they can make me think
more, next time. will that the thoughts on the line be about them. the others. the ones i love
hold claim to
and push the block of self out of the way.
only with your strength god, only in my weakness.