two feelings

i am following the head and the heart
the one
tells me not to disbelieve the
one
because of
the other.
and these ideas confuse each other nearly every other

time.


i live in the very clear black and white on the resting place
of the six feet under
but it doesn't feel more friendly or easier to swallow
my heart
in my throat
every time the memories well
of the beautiful times
the experience of him. of us. and i don't want to
distrust my heart because of my head.
they are a good team.
but they also got me here and i am grateful for the clearing of the fog.
even though the cost was the end.

i try to remember only the one
value the one good big part
have hope that i could feel that again
because that was
the
first.
he
was the first
i ever truly felt that with.
connected.
but it is as pointless as saying the ground under me is made of rainbows as i know full well that
the one without the other isn't whole.
the head and the heart make me
whole.
and i am lonely again.
but i am whole.

i take both forward with me. two feelings.