chums

leaves crunch all the way home

under the noiseless whir.

breathe deep in the moon from a cloudy sky that cannot find it, exhale the sliver from my shoulder.

people who astonish with

'midnight ride! we'll stop by

for you

for companionship

for doing something crazy

see you in 3o minutes!'

and the spokes 

jokes

flew.  my friends and i grew

even a step closer in what you might call

the thoughtfulness of those who care enough

to send the very best.

themselves.

cheer, chapped cheeks all around, the air a kind of soggy cold. the kind that takes parts of you an hour to fully regain feeling from, even though it's texas.

the kind of woman who will not let me ride her and her husband all the way home due to the sketchy nature of some area residents at this wee hour with the reasoning that 'there are too many big things god has to use your life for' who uses phrases like 'this is not a joke!' and then creates something extraordinary.

i lock and stop to thank god for these friends, they are the very best.  what did i ever do...?  no, that isn't how it works. oh man.  blessings out the wazoo.

beautiful looking back

one day i will come back

look back 

and see what

you have given me

she has given me

he has given me

love has given me.

pain and beauty.

and i want all of it

to look back and see

truth.

oh snap!

rest

to rest the tired feet the tired mind the tired

soul.

oh to rest father,  i hear you.  the feel of

the bed beneath me beckons a call to rest not only my body, but my everything.  

when i say

"push melissa, just keep GOING" 

you say 

"rest melissa, just rest in me, i am enough".  

when i say 

"of course i'll be there, i don't have any other plans" 

you say 

"stop melissa, and sit at my feet".

the moment i give in to the silence inside of me i fear it, i fear the still quiet of your soul, father.  i say i want you so badly, but when it comes down to hanging out in the evening with your voice or going to hang out with my friends, i do not choose you.  not as i should.  not without severe hesitation and claiming the "valid excuse" of my need for sleep instead.  no, no i do not say "i just need to sit with god tonight" because that would be too honest, too blunt, wouldn't it?  no.  telling the truth is fine when it isn't about your need for him, all the time.  how i am never going to be enough. 

never.

without him.

i am empty and even void of the desire to give anything without his love filling every crevice in my bones.  to shoot out my fingers and ears and the tips of my hair and the very thoughts i think.  

i long to/he longs for me to 

soak in the soul of my creator, my love, my friend, my god.  the just one who showers me with grace i don't know how to give and lavishes attention on a starved heart, grasping for grass in the desert.   like a small child who can't make good decisions for herself i will choose to let him make mine.  he knows better.  he loves the world better.  he sees clearer.  i see with filters of busyness.  of too many activities, meant to fill my life with life but ends up taking it.  

because i have said yes one too many times.

and

so i will sit.i will soak.

i will say yes to you lord god, my one.

dance

if i

when i

let it go

flow

slo-mo

fancy-o 

tight and loose

hips and wrists and loving all the moves i didn't

know i had.  when i let go

stop caring what i look like compared to my friends

all the strangers around me making their bodies move to 

a beat i haven't chosen, don't enjoy.

stop thinking about who is watching me and start digging in to the music, responding to the moment, the freedom coursing with the sweat and the inhibition.

of this dance

this rhythm

where i make the rules, my knees make the dips and my back shows it's skillz.

yes.

i can't dance like some, but i can dance like me.

and i love it.

faith

("we have to have faith, even though it's hard

and easy for me to say"

-phil quirk g/chatting)

faith is one of the most complex issues i have ever dealt with.  in what other parameters of life are we asked to place our complete and blind trust in a being so divine we cannot even understand in it's entirety?  

none.

except faith.

and why?

why, god?

well, i have no idea.

love maybe, maybe that is what love is, showering unconditional faith over a situation we deem impossible, or dismal at best.  

that no matter the outcome, we have still trusted

loved

hoped for what we could not

would not

should not

see.

we have to have faith even though it's hard.

always.

show and tell

i will call this show and tell

you show me your heart and tell me your life

own the talent, the love, the soul of you

and therefore reflect the truth

of the father.

the way that you live is incredible.  my friends!  

so intricate, each and every one of us.

the way you see

what you see 

as ordinary, normal

astounds me.

you are a gift!

a palpable taste of god's pleasure in my heart, yours; in the people of the world.

laughter at

the zingers

facts

tidbits of life

shared in moments of moments

fill up my heart

and my living room.

and you are wonderful,

all of you.

as is he.

feet

tonight i stand

and walk

with hands on my head

and feet in slow motion.

towards you

your

body and

blood.

i walk and i watch the floor

the feet

surround me

and i follow the set

in front of me.

'melissa, do you hear me?

yes, i am listening.

melissa, you can't see in front of her feet.  you can only see them move, bit by bit.

and this is all i want you to do.  just follow my feet.  you don't have to see where they are going, but you know they are mine.'

and i felt enveloped in safety like i have not known in months.  i cannot see in front of your feet, jesus, but i will follow them to the ends of the earth.  hold me, i feel like a child.

violence

i am sick of myself, sick of opening and closing the same chapters of my life.  done with the endless questions i love to ask.  over making my thoughts the truth.  through with the emptiness that is the vanity of me.

i want something more, something that is the farthest thing from all of the rote.  this suffering must mean something, anything, full of nothing.  the price i pay is far less, so much less, than the idea of death daily.  step it up, filkins!  take it.  you beg for it, plead for mercy and grace and love and courage and the best he has to offer and nothing less.  so what are you willing to give for it?  where is that stalwart dedication, that piercing gratitude and rushing musher?  where is the strength when it comes to the grime, the shattered fog?  it's so easy

easy

to be christmas at halloween, it's unexpected and not quite right.  

but it is beautiful.  to mush the pristine beauty of a hem in the caked dirtvomit of the street.  of letting go when you want to hold on.  of choosing change, not waiting for it to happen.  the beauty in that, the gorgeousness: of the highest integrity.  let it be said of me, and not just when i am dead.  i am willing to give it all.  to die today, tomorrow, forever.  take my pride father, take the pain i am focused on and show me yours.

love me so thoroughly that i am left without words.    so that i may live love with 

violence

valor 

and the vision of a warrior.