Sunday, July 6, 2014

baboom baboom

I can hear the music shake
And I convert the energy in my legs into 
Shifty hips that sway with the beat. 
Carefree in appearance
Listen for the stranger's voice. So many surround me and most of them slurred
But I feel I will know the one that is his
When he says "hello, oh it's you."

Almost forget why I am here
And you are not. 
Waiting I imagine all the ways our first conversation will go. 
This voice never comes but instead a summons
Not in so many words but in the between the lines that asks "will you go first instead?" Maybe covering for the "you don't look like your picture online so I don't really want you to be you" or "I can't leave my friends" or "this is harder than I thought, strangers meeting."  
So I take the breath in necessary to swallow the fear and the pride and all my lovely dreams of how it would go, and make the first move instead. 
Out of my space and into yours. 

After I arrive home and the tape starts replaying in my head, my internal mantra. 
"Why was I so weird? I acted stupid, like I didn't have any conversation starters. Like there was nothing I wanted to know about him, except everything! His friends watching us made me nervous and they were prettier than me or at least skinnier and he probably regrets obliging and asking me to ice cream tomorrow after all but had to do it so he wouldn't seem like a jerk. Well, maybe he actually wants to go... No, duh. He's in way better shape than you and has all the options in the world!  Why would he want to be with you?  
Also, he is cooler.  More of a risk taker.
Well I basically decide I wanna do things and then just MAKE THEM HAPPEN all the time, so what am I, chopped liver?! STOP.  You are not gonna do this.  I'm effing tired of this routine.  Stop the campaign slogans and the junk putting you in a separate camp from the people you want to be with. Classes are for learning, not for cutting up dreams."

And so I do. Because I am really tired of the tape and it's getting worn out anyway. If I pull it just a little more, it will break forever and I can't listen to it again. 

I empty my head. Fill my lungs with air. And take the step I need to be the first version of myself to make the move towards what I want. 

1 comment:

e. said...

This is really powerful! Keep writing!