Monday, May 21, 2007


*sharp intake of breath* my cavities are killing me this morning. why? probably because i still eat too much sugar (even though i do a LOT less of the stuff than i used to..i was a hardcore addict, borderline diabetic.) and haven't been to the dentist in a several years. i try to go as infrequently as possible for several reasons.

contrary to popular opinion, i actually like dentists and feel it's a great idea to treat the one set of teeth i have with love and care. i do not go to the dentist because i don't have any insurance and cannot afford it otherwise. i really need to go to the dental students program, they'll fix me up for cheap! = 0 ] however it normally takes a lot longer... time is money. geez. ok, so i don't get why the torturous pain of cavities must continue after they keep the thing from spreading. what's the deal with that? eternal punishment for bad eating habits? nice.

cavities in my upper left molar

cavities in my heart

pain that radiates and clouds then shrouds perception of depth, reality, life, success, health.

it is easier, always, to remember pain. to hold on to that bitter feeling, when it is just that. because i would rather, i get more from it. i like pain better obviously, otherwise i would focus on something else. like the last time i woke up feeling so refreshed and excited i jumped out of bed, got wiggly hands and grinned at god in the darkness of my room. like the miracle of new life everywhere! like the breath i will take in a second. it is easier to remember pain, but so empty and unsatisfying. joy that springs up in my soul at the stoplight because i just remembered something nice a customer said to me this morning, that was a direct 'hey, you are living in community melissa, THIS is what it's about' from the big man. it is better to remember the good things, to choose to dwell on them and learn just as much from both.

and just like that, my cavities don't hurt anymore. seriously.

a personal reflection: periods. so painful i'm in bed all day with the shades drawn, moaning and being bItChY to everyone who comes in to offer me tea, books on tape, a backrub, ibprofen, love, support, music, a bell so i don't have to yell when i need them. the next day: the pain is gone like a miracle. i want to

run a marathon

sing in front of a thousand people

pick flowers and give them to random unhappy people

kiss everyone i see. ok, maybe just family members.

jump up and down for hours

do something risky.

i am ALIVE!

this is what it feels like to let go. and fall into life full of pain and joy. it is horribly beautiful.

gorgeous cavities.

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