Friday, December 16, 2005

Would you like a side of cockiness to go with that blog?

My peeps! Yo yo wut up!? Wow, that is even annoying ME and I'm writing it. Sorry.

I recently wrote to my friend Paul and let him know about my blog. Now, I believe Paul knows me (on a somewhat deeper level than some of you who I barely know, anyway) pretty well. He said that I sound cokcy on this page. I thought "Cocky? No, I'm not cocky, just confident!" but then I considered his words and pondered them more deeply. See, I am a confident person. I feel pretty good about myself, that is, when I'm not feeling like the elements of scum that "....stick to the bottom of a good man's loafer!" (I can't remember which movie this quote is from, but it's pretty awesome). So I am left with the realization that I have crossed THE LINE. That line is, as we all know, the line between Self Confidence and ......*drumroll*.......*gasp!*....Cockiness. Oh no, not the dreaded C word! Geez, must be true. I think, partially, I am kidding when I talk all big on my site. I think it's funny to say things that make me SEEM full of myself, but I am actually not like that. I beat myself up inside when I make mistakes and hate when I don't do something I know I should have, or follow something God told me. I believe in talking to be the person you want to be, to a certain extent. We all need to focus on the the things in our lives that we need to improve on, then implement real changes in those areas to reflect the way we want to be going. If we constantly focus on the negativity in our lives, the areas we struggle with, but NEVER do anything about, then we are hurting ourselves far worse than fooling ourselves to think we are good people. Because we're not good people. Man is basically evil.

My conclusion to these randomnly strung together thoughts is this: I do sound confident on my page, because I know who I am and what Jesus wants me to be, and I want to run towards that at all times. I am cocky because I'd like to think not many other women my age I know are like this. I am self-absorbed because I am a sinnner and would like the world to revolve around me. I am incredibly weak in my ability to do the right thing all the time and to be wonderful. I am a "...sad, sad little man" (Buzz Lightyear) because I constantly fail in my efforts to be real. I give it my all, but it's never enough. I don't say all this to make you myspace people out there rally around me with a cry of "That dog, Paul!! Dude, he's such a looser, making you feel that way, you ARE awesome and nobody should treat you that way!" because it's not true and I'd hate to have friends that are liars worse than I'd hate to have no friends at all. I will say, I'd like you all to realize I am stating here and now: I am cocky. I am confident. I am awfully pitiful in my attempts to convince myself that I am unimportant. I am a looser unless I live for the things that matter: Jesus, love, people.

So, it's true. It's a lie. It's all good. I'm so horrible. And so goes the struggle of one daughter, trying valiantly to follow her Father, trying to trust His love and live in His glory and grace day in and day out. Say what now? Say it louder, I can't hear you....

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