Sunday, December 4, 2005

Beauty, inside or out?

I've always said beauty is inside, but now I am changing my mind. I've said that for so long because I was fat.

It's true, I weighed over 200lbs. I remember starting to gain a little weight when I was 13 and then I decided at some point, that it wasn't worth fighting, that I didn't have any hope of being thinnner or beautiful on the outside, so I'd just work on the inside and eat as much as I wanted. Which, I did. I was THE nicest, most hilarious, interesting, opinionated person a lot of my friends knew. I was fat and I tried to lie to myself that it was ok how I looked, not amazing, but certainly not horrid and I didn't HATE myself. However, deep inside, and I can only see this now, I did. It's sad that I stayed that way until this spring. I went to CO to work on a dude ranch, and it changed my life. Now, I not only felt beautiful on the inside, but I was strong, and 55lbs thinnner and knew I was beautiful on the outside as well.

It still shocks me when I can fit into a size of pants or shirt I can't even remember buying before. Or, when people compliment me on my appearance, not my character. Or, when I get looks from men or whistles from BOYS (of course they're the same age as the ones I get looks from, but that's sooo unappreciated when I am just an object to them, I must convey my dislike. they don't even know me!). OR, when, no matter what I am wearing, I feel like myself, the one I was afraid to be all those years, because I thought it would change who I was, because I was afraid to change, because I didn't work hard enough, because I didn't look deeper, past my insecurities to who I really am and what I'm made of.

Now, I know what beauty is and it comes in all forms. It is feeling, looking and KNOWing you are gorgeous, inside and out. Everyone can get there, and it is only by THEIR standards that it will happen, that they find what makes them beautiful, because of who they are, what they've accomplished, given or been to someone else. Beauty is trying when you want to give up. Beauty is strength when you just want someone to lean on. Beauty is not beauty if it is so fragile it can be broken by our "Best Friend"'s comment about our hair, our butt or our flab. Authentic beauty IS attainable, and it is YOU, if you want it bad enough.

Plus, so much more.

I am gorgeous and no one can stop me!!!

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