fences

i know this is what i know

i can think and write at the same time

i feel connected again for the first time in months

i can't remember when

i tell you

when

i felt this involved

able to process and

think

hurt

forgive

understand

see the truth clearly and abolish the double-mindedness of the past.

for i cannot be of two hearts.

i must believe myself.

i must love myself.

i must forgive myself.

i must

listen

to the voice of god and pray blessings on those who hurt me, knowingly or blind.

he said it would be easy, he whispered, it would be natural, and fine and all i would really want

well, devil, it isn't, wasn't, won't be.

but.

i'm still going to listen to god and what he speaks over my life for he has turned this one,

this small life of power you will never know into one who is filled not with anger and hopelessness and division

but with love and prayerfulness and listening and showing up on just one side of the fence, not crouching in the middle like some town cat, prowling for the best piece of dinner, wavering at the slightest movement.

no.

i am steadfast in this: i will fail, i will trip. but i will not get up on that fence again, because it is in the crouching that i hide, it is in the hiding that i keep myself, it is in the keeping that i loose it all

because that kind of life is not lived at all, only broken and hoarded and wept over.

i will forgive myself for being so hard on myself. and i will love this side of the fence.

it is endless.