i have decided to give up snacks.
permanently.
i came to this conclusion today at approx. 6:34pm sitting in my car. i wrote it down right away because obviously, that is what one must do to make it concrete. and by one i mean me.
so no more snacks. it's possible i will eat a small candy bar on a weekend. or, even some crackers and cheese if i'm low on protein. but i realized that i'm sabotaging my healthy eating choices if i constantly interrupt my body with junk.
i will eat 3-4 meals a day that consist mainly of:
whole grains
as many fresh and organic products as i can manage
dairy
mostly white meat & fish
nuts & berries from the woods.
ok, maybe not from the woods, but yuuuummm blueberries!
etc. on with the goodness!
one exception to this is fruit, i will eat that anytime i want and in any amount. however, i don't expect to go overboard on this. i remember when i never craved chocolate. i want those days back. i don't like the feelings i get when i 'need' something like that. hello, it's food! you eat it to make your body produce energy, life, yes you enjoy it but it's just fuel. this is what i believe. if i ask you to say this and slap me a couple times, please do.
goodbye snacks.
FOREVER.
i won't miss you. hahahahah! take that.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
cavities
*sharp intake of breath* my cavities are killing me this morning. why? probably because i still eat too much sugar (even though i do a LOT less of the stuff than i used to..i was a hardcore addict, borderline diabetic.) and haven't been to the dentist in a several years. i try to go as infrequently as possible for several reasons.
contrary to popular opinion, i actually like dentists and feel it's a great idea to treat the one set of teeth i have with love and care. i do not go to the dentist because i don't have any insurance and cannot afford it otherwise. i really need to go to the dental students program, they'll fix me up for cheap! = 0 ] however it normally takes a lot longer... time is money. geez. ok, so i don't get why the torturous pain of cavities must continue after they keep the thing from spreading. what's the deal with that? eternal punishment for bad eating habits? nice.
cavities in my upper left molar
cavities in my heart
pain that radiates and clouds then shrouds perception of depth, reality, life, success, health.
it is easier, always, to remember pain. to hold on to that bitter feeling, when it is just that. because i would rather, i get more from it. i like pain better obviously, otherwise i would focus on something else. like the last time i woke up feeling so refreshed and excited i jumped out of bed, got wiggly hands and grinned at god in the darkness of my room. like the miracle of new life everywhere! like the breath i will take in a second. it is easier to remember pain, but so empty and unsatisfying. joy that springs up in my soul at the stoplight because i just remembered something nice a customer said to me this morning, that was a direct 'hey, you are living in community melissa, THIS is what it's about' from the big man. it is better to remember the good things, to choose to dwell on them and learn just as much from both.
and just like that, my cavities don't hurt anymore. seriously.
a personal reflection: periods. so painful i'm in bed all day with the shades drawn, moaning and being bItChY to everyone who comes in to offer me tea, books on tape, a backrub, ibprofen, love, support, music, a bell so i don't have to yell when i need them. the next day: the pain is gone like a miracle. i want to
run a marathon
sing in front of a thousand people
pick flowers and give them to random unhappy people
kiss everyone i see. ok, maybe just family members.
jump up and down for hours
do something risky.
i am ALIVE!
this is what it feels like to let go. and fall into life full of pain and joy. it is horribly beautiful.
gorgeous cavities.
contrary to popular opinion, i actually like dentists and feel it's a great idea to treat the one set of teeth i have with love and care. i do not go to the dentist because i don't have any insurance and cannot afford it otherwise. i really need to go to the dental students program, they'll fix me up for cheap! = 0 ] however it normally takes a lot longer... time is money. geez. ok, so i don't get why the torturous pain of cavities must continue after they keep the thing from spreading. what's the deal with that? eternal punishment for bad eating habits? nice.
cavities in my upper left molar
cavities in my heart
pain that radiates and clouds then shrouds perception of depth, reality, life, success, health.
it is easier, always, to remember pain. to hold on to that bitter feeling, when it is just that. because i would rather, i get more from it. i like pain better obviously, otherwise i would focus on something else. like the last time i woke up feeling so refreshed and excited i jumped out of bed, got wiggly hands and grinned at god in the darkness of my room. like the miracle of new life everywhere! like the breath i will take in a second. it is easier to remember pain, but so empty and unsatisfying. joy that springs up in my soul at the stoplight because i just remembered something nice a customer said to me this morning, that was a direct 'hey, you are living in community melissa, THIS is what it's about' from the big man. it is better to remember the good things, to choose to dwell on them and learn just as much from both.
and just like that, my cavities don't hurt anymore. seriously.
a personal reflection: periods. so painful i'm in bed all day with the shades drawn, moaning and being bItChY to everyone who comes in to offer me tea, books on tape, a backrub, ibprofen, love, support, music, a bell so i don't have to yell when i need them. the next day: the pain is gone like a miracle. i want to
run a marathon
sing in front of a thousand people
pick flowers and give them to random unhappy people
kiss everyone i see. ok, maybe just family members.
jump up and down for hours
do something risky.
i am ALIVE!
this is what it feels like to let go. and fall into life full of pain and joy. it is horribly beautiful.
gorgeous cavities.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Here, ride my bike!
Dear Mom,
I have poison ivy. AGAIN.
Love,
Melissa
P.S. I got it while climbing a tree on Monday. It reminds me of when
I was little and I got it while making mud soup in Katie's backyard up
the hill on Oxbow. Then that night after you'd figured out it
was Poison Ivy and told us all I remember we went out to ride bikes.
I offered mine to all the neighborhood kids and they were very
suspicious. Someone almost took me up on it finally but then Al
screamed "DON'T DO IT, SHE HAS POISON IVY AND YOU'LL GET IT ALL OVER
YOU!" and with a collective gasp they all ran home to tell their
mothers. I can still feel the oil on my hands and handlebars and the
glee I took in the thought of spreading the misery. Oh gosh I was a
horrible kid!
It hurts a bit and itches and CONSTANTLY weeps. Just on my laft
arm, woop de doo. I am taking some homeopathic Hylands under my
tounge and washing it a lot to dry it out( I just remembered today
that I have some poison ivy soap by Burt's Bees in my room, I can use
it!!), and cortisone cream as well as hydrogen peroxide. It's killer
because it seems to be getting better and then the next day looks back
to a state of horridness it was in before. Man, I hate this stuff!
BUT I will not stop climbing trees! Maybe just not that one though...
=0{
I have poison ivy. AGAIN.
Love,
Melissa
P.S. I got it while climbing a tree on Monday. It reminds me of when
I was little and I got it while making mud soup in Katie's backyard up
the hill on Oxbow. Then that night after you'd figured out it
was Poison Ivy and told us all I remember we went out to ride bikes.
I offered mine to all the neighborhood kids and they were very
suspicious. Someone almost took me up on it finally but then Al
screamed "DON'T DO IT, SHE HAS POISON IVY AND YOU'LL GET IT ALL OVER
YOU!" and with a collective gasp they all ran home to tell their
mothers. I can still feel the oil on my hands and handlebars and the
glee I took in the thought of spreading the misery. Oh gosh I was a
horrible kid!
It hurts a bit and itches and CONSTANTLY weeps. Just on my laft
arm, woop de doo. I am taking some homeopathic Hylands under my
tounge and washing it a lot to dry it out( I just remembered today
that I have some poison ivy soap by Burt's Bees in my room, I can use
it!!), and cortisone cream as well as hydrogen peroxide. It's killer
because it seems to be getting better and then the next day looks back
to a state of horridness it was in before. Man, I hate this stuff!
BUT I will not stop climbing trees! Maybe just not that one though...
=0{
Saturday, May 5, 2007
anyone...?
i don't think anyone is reading my blogs. or, they are but they're not leaving comments. WHY THE FREAK NOT?!
common people, where's the love? what do i have to write to get feedback? that's all i want, geez. *sigh*
common people, where's the love? what do i have to write to get feedback? that's all i want, geez. *sigh*
Sunday, April 22, 2007
mosaic 4.22.07
i am going to this amazing community of people trying to follow jesus'
life. it is called mosaic and i adore life there. during worship
(which is one of the most distinctly different experience i have all
week) i normally get some words in my head. so i write them down. oh,
i will always post these in the way i write them in my book, so mind
the word placement. it might mean something, who knows! =0] here are
a couple from yesterday:
fangs of death
life for the grip
i would be swallowed alive
alive
aware
animate
able
swallowed, gone.
if.
but o god you were with me.
never alone. alive. acutely aware.
of your breathtaking beauty. sharp!
you never leave me.
never.
you are with me.
fangs gnash.
empty.
this was after communion, but i'd like to hear what is says to you (as i always do):
a contrite piece of bitterness
sorrow
grattitude
in the pocket of my cheek.
slipped in amongst the gluttony.
the rot. but i am dying,
am dead, have died. to
you. myself.
slipped in. my pocket.
i take it again. this death is life.
life. it is called mosaic and i adore life there. during worship
(which is one of the most distinctly different experience i have all
week) i normally get some words in my head. so i write them down. oh,
i will always post these in the way i write them in my book, so mind
the word placement. it might mean something, who knows! =0] here are
a couple from yesterday:
fangs of death
life for the grip
i would be swallowed alive
alive
aware
animate
able
swallowed, gone.
if.
but o god you were with me.
never alone. alive. acutely aware.
of your breathtaking beauty. sharp!
you never leave me.
never.
you are with me.
fangs gnash.
empty.
this was after communion, but i'd like to hear what is says to you (as i always do):
a contrite piece of bitterness
sorrow
grattitude
in the pocket of my cheek.
slipped in amongst the gluttony.
the rot. but i am dying,
am dead, have died. to
you. myself.
slipped in. my pocket.
i take it again. this death is life.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
GOLDBOND medicated foot powder
GOLDBOND medicated everything. More like, my word is my bond. When I say that you can trust it's for realz.
I was thinking today about the surprised reactions I consistently receive when I follow through on my commitments. Now, this is not so much shocking as the fact that I continually write about ONLY myself. Good Lord. What I have to say always seems somewhat arbitrary. Yessss, freedom. =0} When I say I am going to do something, I do it. No matter what. I feel very bound by my word, once I state my decision I will not change it. Which seems like in future instances could be dangerous and downright stupid, but I'll cross bridges when I come to them, because it'd be pretty hard to do otherwise, now wouldn't it?!
Ok, let me make this a tad bit more specific. Several recent examples include but are not limited to:
-Driving to Dallas for the weeked to visit with my Dad and friend Jen who were there for a conference ( check out www.mannatech.com which will change your LIFE!!!! ) . I told them almost 3 weeks prior I was coming and only a week before hand did they believe/accept I was actually going to be there.
-Telling Angele or Steven I'd take them allll the frick back to their houses from southATX and even though it was the last thing I felt like doing, I did because I had said I would and I am a responsible person. Plus, I love them. =0)
-Making a road trip this summer to CO, IA, MI and back to TX and camping every night in my tent. Along the way and while I'm at peoples houses, I'm determined to do it, it's only 2 weeks, yet people are already getting on my case.
-Being on time in circumstances within my control, or allowing extra time for delays to impede my progress and still arriving on time for appointments. I am late rarely, or with a few friends I know don't care. =0)
-Being committed to my goals, and not going to bed just because I'm tired. I try and talk myself out of negative attitudes frequently, it works. People wonder how I am so positive most of the time, I have decided it's a richer way to live my life.
-Taking on the job as one of four people in charge of PR for the state of TX for Invisible Children's Displace Me event here in Austin on April 28th, 2007.
Now I have 4 jobs, one of which I am not paid monetarily for (no, I don't get gallons of Seabond in return, I just give them my time and efforts and I get the knowledge that I am making a difference in a complete strangers life, so that they have a chance to truly live). I don't get that much sleep, some major life changing shit is going down in my life right now, I'm feeling pressure from all sides, overwhelmed. Yet I will not give up. I WILL NOT. Because I have said I never will. For that is the truest test of my word, my bond, my life, my soul and reason.
The definition of courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. Synonyms COURAGE, METTLE, SPIRIT, RESOLUTION, TENACITY. I'll add one: gorgeous. This is my breath and no one can take it from me, for I will never die. This is not an end, but a begining, an opportunity to learn, grow and struggle, discuss ideas I'd always seen as BLACK and WHITE and realize I don't even know how to describe my naivete on the color grey. To change my opinions but never my ideas, to rewrite my future with invisible ink. To hold my word as my GOLDBOND medicated everything.
It hurts the same no matter what you do, but I have to answer to myself and Jesus and I wanna pick things that'll make us both really pleased and brilliant. Jesus' smile I imagine is more blinding than the gum commercials.
I was thinking today about the surprised reactions I consistently receive when I follow through on my commitments. Now, this is not so much shocking as the fact that I continually write about ONLY myself. Good Lord. What I have to say always seems somewhat arbitrary. Yessss, freedom. =0} When I say I am going to do something, I do it. No matter what. I feel very bound by my word, once I state my decision I will not change it. Which seems like in future instances could be dangerous and downright stupid, but I'll cross bridges when I come to them, because it'd be pretty hard to do otherwise, now wouldn't it?!
Ok, let me make this a tad bit more specific. Several recent examples include but are not limited to:
-Driving to Dallas for the weeked to visit with my Dad and friend Jen who were there for a conference ( check out www.mannatech.com which will change your LIFE!!!! ) . I told them almost 3 weeks prior I was coming and only a week before hand did they believe/accept I was actually going to be there.
-Telling Angele or Steven I'd take them allll the frick back to their houses from southATX and even though it was the last thing I felt like doing, I did because I had said I would and I am a responsible person. Plus, I love them. =0)
-Making a road trip this summer to CO, IA, MI and back to TX and camping every night in my tent. Along the way and while I'm at peoples houses, I'm determined to do it, it's only 2 weeks, yet people are already getting on my case.
-Being on time in circumstances within my control, or allowing extra time for delays to impede my progress and still arriving on time for appointments. I am late rarely, or with a few friends I know don't care. =0)
-Being committed to my goals, and not going to bed just because I'm tired. I try and talk myself out of negative attitudes frequently, it works. People wonder how I am so positive most of the time, I have decided it's a richer way to live my life.
-Taking on the job as one of four people in charge of PR for the state of TX for Invisible Children's Displace Me event here in Austin on April 28th, 2007.
Now I have 4 jobs, one of which I am not paid monetarily for (no, I don't get gallons of Seabond in return, I just give them my time and efforts and I get the knowledge that I am making a difference in a complete strangers life, so that they have a chance to truly live). I don't get that much sleep, some major life changing shit is going down in my life right now, I'm feeling pressure from all sides, overwhelmed. Yet I will not give up. I WILL NOT. Because I have said I never will. For that is the truest test of my word, my bond, my life, my soul and reason.
The definition of courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty. Synonyms COURAGE, METTLE, SPIRIT, RESOLUTION, TENACITY. I'll add one: gorgeous. This is my breath and no one can take it from me, for I will never die. This is not an end, but a begining, an opportunity to learn, grow and struggle, discuss ideas I'd always seen as BLACK and WHITE and realize I don't even know how to describe my naivete on the color grey. To change my opinions but never my ideas, to rewrite my future with invisible ink. To hold my word as my GOLDBOND medicated everything.
It hurts the same no matter what you do, but I have to answer to myself and Jesus and I wanna pick things that'll make us both really pleased and brilliant. Jesus' smile I imagine is more blinding than the gum commercials.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
shuck = listen to your analog clock
last night i went to a poetry slam. it was good, not as mind blowing as my first time, but good. i went and came home again. i say this to remind you that i am in fact, alive. to remind myself.
alive: having life : not dead or inanimate, aware
inanimate: not endowed with life or spirit
aware: having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge
what will i do with this precious gift? fritter it away?
i read some amazing blogs tonight from a girl i don't know. her words. i couldn't leave her without telling her... here is some of what I said:
"your graceful, honest, earnest, heartfelt, pained, loving words have just hit me, hit my wall. hit my forehead and washed me over. and over, like the ocean. into a miniature sandcastle that looks shocked by what has just occurred. i sit here staring at my screen after reading what you've said since august and several "hm...oh...wow.....WOW''s were spoken in the quiet of early morning when i should be sleeping. when i should be hiding in myself. in my secrets. in my delusion. in my life of safety.
but i am writing to tell you that i will not forget. that these words you have written will never let me forget. to whom much is given, much is required. what am i waiting for? something "bad" to happen to me so i can live up to who i know God has made me to be?! i know he cringes every time i choose death in a selfish 'oh, they don't need me, besides, it'll be uncomfortable'. since when did my life become about living comfortably? since when did i think it was what i wanted? since when did i continue to let my heart slam the door in the face of that small voice of peace and love, beckoning me to choose courage, love and peace? slam it so hard i can't hear it that easily now? i will open the door. i will listen. i will choose the choice of love no matter the cost. no matter the pain or the inconvenience or the unpopularity of it. i will. "
this is all what i deem "good", see? and it is, oh it is. however, i won't leave this here. i will not let this be my blog life, this is my life. that i am aware of having, that i am animated about, that i am grateful for. that i so often do not even think of not having. the life that i breathe in and out while i sleep, trusting that i will wake up again, to have another day. another chance to grow. learn. think. be. new. be content, to be alive, and not wishing for hoping for, always wanting more and waiting until it fits my bill, just grasping that small voice and running until i know i am out of breath and cannot ever do it on my own, but want to cultivate the soil of my heart, and be a constant gardner. get the shit in. thats what helps it grow the best. you know? actually particiapte in living with other people? the thing that used to be known as community? yeah, get the shit in, bring it on. i want it so bad because living this clean sterile lie is killing me as i live.
alive: having life : not dead or inanimate, aware
inanimate: not endowed with life or spirit
aware: having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge
what will i do with this precious gift? fritter it away?
i read some amazing blogs tonight from a girl i don't know. her words. i couldn't leave her without telling her... here is some of what I said:
"your graceful, honest, earnest, heartfelt, pained, loving words have just hit me, hit my wall. hit my forehead and washed me over. and over, like the ocean. into a miniature sandcastle that looks shocked by what has just occurred. i sit here staring at my screen after reading what you've said since august and several "hm...oh...wow.....WOW''s were spoken in the quiet of early morning when i should be sleeping. when i should be hiding in myself. in my secrets. in my delusion. in my life of safety.
but i am writing to tell you that i will not forget. that these words you have written will never let me forget. to whom much is given, much is required. what am i waiting for? something "bad" to happen to me so i can live up to who i know God has made me to be?! i know he cringes every time i choose death in a selfish 'oh, they don't need me, besides, it'll be uncomfortable'. since when did my life become about living comfortably? since when did i think it was what i wanted? since when did i continue to let my heart slam the door in the face of that small voice of peace and love, beckoning me to choose courage, love and peace? slam it so hard i can't hear it that easily now? i will open the door. i will listen. i will choose the choice of love no matter the cost. no matter the pain or the inconvenience or the unpopularity of it. i will. "
this is all what i deem "good", see? and it is, oh it is. however, i won't leave this here. i will not let this be my blog life, this is my life. that i am aware of having, that i am animated about, that i am grateful for. that i so often do not even think of not having. the life that i breathe in and out while i sleep, trusting that i will wake up again, to have another day. another chance to grow. learn. think. be. new. be content, to be alive, and not wishing for hoping for, always wanting more and waiting until it fits my bill, just grasping that small voice and running until i know i am out of breath and cannot ever do it on my own, but want to cultivate the soil of my heart, and be a constant gardner. get the shit in. thats what helps it grow the best. you know? actually particiapte in living with other people? the thing that used to be known as community? yeah, get the shit in, bring it on. i want it so bad because living this clean sterile lie is killing me as i live.
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